please advise

Hello, i am new to this website but i am here to get support in dealing with a situation that i have just become aware of that my son has been diag antisocial personality as well having a lot of other medical problems i will try to make it short, i guess what i want to know is how do i handle myself from detaching myself with out feeling so guilty

I am going to turn a very long story into a real short one... My son Marc, 25 years old has spent 10 year in Jail during these years I have have been the only one in his life, being there for fund, packages and visits @ all the correctional facility he been switch too. Marc, was diagonal with a kidney disorder @ the age of 19 months old, function on only 1 kidney and taking medication for it the most of his life. since he been incerated most of his life, he has developed allot of other medical problems as well mental which he was being treated with med’s only. I finally was able to bring him home after 10 yrs, I knew I was up for a challenge and prior of his released had gone to the library and read on (pts, bipolar). I live in the and his case was a transfer for supervisor under my care. but I still needed to get him to be seen and reassess for Medicaid, benefit for his care and disability, everything was allot for him and cause him to be very irate with me, but I continue to make excuses for him in my head and didn’t allow myself to come out and respond to his verbal attacks. I had left my job so I could be able to get him around. by the 3rd week in half of him being home with me I started to fear him, he was not sleeping carrying knifes in his waistband,socks, and hooding pockets, I had asked him to allow me to take him to the hospital so the process of him getting the right med’s to be given to him, his respond was no...their nothing wronged with him, and if I was going to make his life more miserable (and by this time he had taken a knife slide tows me and stated well you “better stab me with it because I am not going back” by now I was very scare, but I was able to clam him down and stated to him to please go to bed and that we would just get ready to do what we had to do the following day, which was for me to take him to his parole officer meeting ( which met once week) when driving there the following morning (which I was not able to sleep the whole night afraid of what he might have been doing down stain) and him still in the frame of mind that he was in and at one point I am driving he open the car door) that I had to quickly without causing a multi car accident pulled to the side, and again speak as soft as I could without getting him upset. and explain to him that I believe he need to go to the hospital because I need help to help him. again he shouted, there is nothing wronged with me, I said ok lets just get to the office before we arrive late. once he got out of the car he slam the door so hard that at that very moment I just drove of, turn the corner stop ,my car and called his parole officer whom wasn’t in @ the moment, I left a message please call me back. once he did I inform him of what had gone down, he had stated that he would placed him in a half way house, but by evening I was inform that they had placed him back in jail!!

you have no ideal what this is doing to me, “ I know I did all I could do for him” and this is not my fault but my heart is being rip out of my chest because I know my son Marc need to be placed in a medical facility not in a jail. but there is no more that I could do for him, now were are waiting on new york parole office which they will pick him up & he will be put back in the facility for the next 5 years, this is not what I wanted for him its not what i wanted to happen when i asked for help this all when down on Oct 6, 2011 and I have not been able to stop crying or out of the depression frame of mind that I am in. he doesnt want to know or have any part of me . which at this point i think and believe that i dont want to deal with him only because i dont have the strength to deal with all that i know he would dish out to me for ten years with out realizing i did everything he told me to do no matter what or how he treated me. i just thogth because he was in jail but that would all change omgoodness no it didnt itgot worst

PLEASE -- DON'T beat yourself up!!! You did ALL that you could do!! Your son is a dangerous man! The fact that he was carrying a knife is a violation of his parole, for one thing -- and for another, you have no idea what he might have done with it if he got angered! He could have come in your room at night and slit your throat! You have done NOTHING wrong! You did NOT bring him up wrong. Nothing you did made him like this! You need to stop feeling guilty and give yourself permission to be happy again. Your son is SAFER where he is right now. He's safer both for HIMSELF and for others! You tried to get him help, but he wouldn't hear of it. You can't help someone who refuses it.

Please talk to your doctor -- he can help you with your anxiety/depression. Or perhaps speak with a therapist. But you have got to stop beating yourself up, and move on with your life. You have our permission to stop thinking about him! All that does is make you miserable, and there's nothing you can do to help him right now. God bless you dearheart -- and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Leed said it. I think we all want to help people we love, but unfortunately not all can be helped. He is beyond just being loved, and as you know he needs experts to diagnose and be of actual help for him.

You tried at a great risk to yourself; you've done all you can do. Give yourself benefit
for trying and realize this is not a case of just helping someone, but a helpless case.
You know your limits now and all the good intentions, love of a mother, cannot erase
the fact he is a dangerous young man. Get your own therapy and be well. Hugs,

[QUOTE=Leed;2198910]PLEASE -- DON'T beat yourself up!!! You did ALL that you could do!! Your son is a dangerous man! The fact that he was carrying a knife is a violation of his parole, for one thing -- and for another, you have no idea what he might have done with it if he got angered! He could have come in your room at night and slit your throat! You have done NOTHING wrong! You did NOT bring him up wrong. Nothing you did made him like this! You need to stop feeling guilty and give yourself permission to be happy again. Your son is SAFER where he is right now. He's safer both for HIMSELF and for others! You tried to get him help, but he wouldn't hear of it. You can't help someone who refuses it.

Thanks Leed,
I feel Leed did not go far enough her. Perplex. you DESERVE a medallion,
wow, you did everything right exercising wisdom, love, tough love,
psychiatry >savvy< and serenity.

wipe those tears and realize that you committed only one wrong and that
is in not having had received the resources to do more.
There are ways to find someone , other than a 'psych' who can
sit down with Marc and help him come to the awareness that he
is very angry, very stressed and suffering PTSD from his
incarceration.
That knives bit, all fear left over from that and he needs to take
Michael Johnson's (Full back of the Raiders team) advice. "My mom
raise me 'censor religion" and I learned to act appropriately to whatever
situation I find myself in."
He is acting (Marc is) like the threat of the prison is where he is
still dealing with, and he is doing the denial of there being a problem.
The first step to solving a problem, is knowing there is a problem.
If I could bottle your love and wisdom, I would market it as
the hottest new money maker. You did it all right, just right.

THAT said, your son Marc needs to be handled differently by you now.
He views that you have betrayed him. so change your actions by
consideration of this knowledge.

Thanks.
SandU

It is hard to be a mother of a child in jail. So much of ourselves is engaged with that child that even their bad choices we'd rather see as "reasonable" (the case with my stepson) and their illnesses as treatable.

Unfortunately, your son's behavior is dangerous, to himself and others, and not very treatable if he refuses to see his need for treatment. Mental hospitals no longer keep people for extended periods of time and there are few that can afford to treat someone like your son, which costs more money than incarceration.

I found this site which might inform and comfort you some? http://www.mhcca.org/mental-health-s...prisoners.html

Hi Perplex,

I am very sorry your son is having this meltdown and I understand the pain you must be in. My teenage step-son is slightly autistic and had a meltdown this past year that involved verbal threats and a weapon. He was put into a adolescent crisis unit. Through it all I felt like my "heart was being ripped out of my chest." It was one of the worst experiences of my life.

It has gotten better now. He still has his angry feelings, but he contains them. My wife and I have accepted his feelings, though we feel betrayed. It still hurts, but I've accepted the situation.

I wish I could give you a "quick fix" but I do not know of one. I've accepted that his hurtful words and actions are related to autism and that helps a bit. I still love him, but I need to protect myself and my wife and get through the day to day as well. I communicate with him in simple easy to understand language. I told him, "your words hurt, I can't change the past but I still have to get through each day." I think he understood that. He isn't going to be the adorable little boy I cared for, outwardly, for a while. The child is there, he is just scared and confused. I'd rather he hate me than himself. When someone expresses hurt angry feelings appropriatly, it is seen as a sign of trust, I believe, by therapists. My step-son must really trust me, thats for sure. No-body ever told me life was going to easy, and it hasn't been. I still enjoy life, and I enjoy being a step-dad also. I hope this will ease your pain a bit and give you a little hope. Don't blame yourself, it won't solve anything. Your there for him I understand. Some parents would lock him up and throw away the key, then go on vacation to try to forget. You sound like a good mom. I think you should be proud