[nashville2012]

My brother has endstage cirrhosos and hep c.He won't quit drinking.Life has been hell since he and his son has come to live with me.He dumps his son here and leaves me to explain all that is happening.The mother is in a long term nursing facility and will take her last breath there.I don't know how to get by this.My brother,I have been by his side from start, refuses to realize his diagnosis is fatal.I am at the end myself and know not where to turn

[wisdom1]

Originally Posted by nashville2012

My brother has endstage cirrhosos and hep c.He won't quit drinking.Life has been hell since he and his son has come to live with me.He dumps his son here and leaves me to explain all that is happening.The mother is in a long term nursing facility and will take her last breath there.I don't know how to get by this.My brother,I have been by his side from start, refuses to realize his diagnosis is fatal.I am at the end myself and know not where to turn

I am so very sorry. I can relate to how you feel. I have family that I love and try to support who will not take steps themselves. It is so very sad, hard, and can feel very hopeless. Here is what I have come to know, we have to know that we cant save others all we can do is offer love, support, honesty and try to help ourselves realize the limits of our abilities or influence. I would believe your brother and nephew know how much you love and care for them. It is important that you find a balance for you. I am a fine one to talk because this is hard for me too, but it is true nonetheless. It sounds to me, as if you must be a very caring person.

[TerryL]

Have you tried Al-Anon? or the Addictions forum on this site?

Sorry to hear your going through this sweetheart

Is there any way you can discuss with him the idea of rehab? (or better discuss it if you have already?) Could you tell his doctor about how things are rapidly deterriorating and see what he suggests? Sorry my advice isn't that great. I really hope you find a way of coping better - remember we're all here for you on PC. Perhaps you could get your brother to come and take a look at the addiction forum on here?

Hi,

I've gone to Alchololics anomymous for a great number of years. I go to Narcotics anonymous now, it works for me. I read in the AA book, that leaving a copy of the basic book of AA within his reach might help. Some people get ordered by the court to go to rehab or AA meetings, I guess it is legal. AA is a voluntary meeting and its members have chosen to be free from alchahol for today, nothing more is expected. One day at a time, they choose to not drink booze. It works, from what I've seen. It might seem like brainwashing, at first. Maybe it is, I'm not an expert. They use expressions and words that aren't used anywhere else but 12 step recovery meetings. It is overwelming and confusing at first. No-one "wants" to admit they have failed at anything. AA tells us that we need to admit we can't drink safely, to not drink this day. From there they try to pursuade us to accept there is a "higher power" in the world. They urge us to allow this "higher power" to help us stay away from booze today. Then they try to get us to see what causes us to drink unsafely. Like; past trauma or abuse, anger at the government or religion, anger at parents or teachers and whatever anger we carry around day after day. They help us to see where this anger originates from. Are we; scared we are going to be ridiculed, scared we will be rejected, scared of being poor and the rest. Once they can see we acknoledge these issues which cause unsafe drinking, they ask that we let the "higher power" take those issues away. Then we continue asking the higher powers help in serving others and the higher powers will, day after day. They don't require conversion to any religion, or to this process to stay away from booze. I would go to AA and sit and chat, for a very long time. That worked for me. No-one yelled at me in meetings for doing or not doing anything. It is, or should be, voluntary. I think once your brother can stop drinking, he will be able to see his life and his health more clearly. I think it would be a good place to start.

I'm so sorry to hear this ... It must be heartbreaking for you ... Unfortunately, if your brother doesn't want to be saved, there isn't much you can do for him, and that's what makes addiction so sad ... I notice you said you take his son in and are left to try to explain everything to him ... I'm glad your nephew has a safe place to be in all this ... I don't know how old he is or if he's even old enough to understand what all's going on, but I think it's great he has an Aunt like you ... I hope you're able to find the support you need to help you with all this ...

Sincerely,
BC

[madisgram]

nash so sorry you are upset. sounds like your brother uses alcohol to self medicate re his situ. not a reason but an excuse imho.

Stop any behaviors that have enabled the alcoholic to hide in their addiction.

and we can't change others/"save him." and their decisions. but we can change ourselves in how to cope wih this. have you tried al-anon. great support system and it helps us to learn ways to cope wth this situ.
also you will find support in the addictions and ACOA forums here-tho you are not a child/ACOA.

Participate in a support group with other families experiencing the same crisis. It will help you to be able to talk to other people that are going through the same difficulties.

Coping-Not Codependence: One of the sad things about being codependent to an alcoholic is how easy it is to believe their lies. Our love for them overshadows the obvious truth...and we begin to live in denial just like the one we love. We become addicted to the neediness of our alcoholic loved one. Instead, we need to learn to cope with them rather than enable them. No, we won't believe their words...only their actions. We will protect the rest of the family from them but we won't enable them by excusing or supporting them in any way as long as they continue in their addiction. Coping with an alcoholic means being tough and confronting them. It means setting clear boundaries and not changing them just because the addict makes a fuss. It means letting them live in the consequences of their actions...even if they lose their job or freedom due to a jail sentence. Calling in to work, making excuses, bailing them out of jail actually helps them continue in their addiction. You don't love an alcoholic by holding them up. Loving them means letting them hit the ground until they learn to hate falling more than they love drinking.

i wish you well.

[Ygrec23]

Endstage cirrhosis and Hep C? How much longer does he have to live? It would seem to me that that is Question No. 1. Everything else will follow from the answer. If he has less than a year to live and at this point (endstage) can do nothing to lengthen his life expectency, what's the purpose of sending him to AA?

To me the situation is similar to that of anyone with very advanced cancer, where a decision has to be made either to continue "heroic" measures in hospital or go to a hospice and get palliative care. I strongly believe that for people with very little time hospice and palliative care are the best choice.

If he's going to go relatively soon, you might well want to discuss with his doctor(s) how to best make him comfortable for the rest of his short stay. AA and other hard work projects would, under those circumstances, not seem really supportive to me. Take care!

[ECHOES]

You cannot save him. I don't mean to sound harsh, I just want to say that in hopes of you accepting that and hopefully getting some relief from that.

You also can't make him realize he is terminally ill. He may know it but refuse to outwardly acknowledge it. His medical treatment doctors I'm sure have told him.

Could you go another direction, and suggest to him that, given the seriousness of his illness, it would be a good idea to give you guardianship or custody if his son, who needs a caring and permanent person in his life. That conversation should not be about his drinking at all, just about his son's needs.

Another separate conversation could be about his future plans. With this serious illness, I would ask him if he should become incapacitated, does he have a preferred facility where he would like to go to be taken care of?

These kinds of calm and matter-of-fact conversations can be relieving to him and to you, and might help him see beyond the drinking issue, which is understandably very frustrating and heartbreaking.

[Caretaker Leo]

nash, I am so sorry to hear this. Please consider Al-Anon to learn ways to take care of yourself. What you learn there will help you through the months ahead. And I completely agree with the thoughts provided by Ygrec23 and ECHOES.

While end stage cirrhosis would qualify your brother for a liver transplant, if he won't stop drinking, he won't be put on the waiting list. 6 to 12 months of sobriety is a requirement. There are not enough donors to provide livers to all who need a new one, and therefore livers are given to those who are most likely to live a lifestyle that promotes success after transplant. If he is really at end stage cirrhosis, his liver will likely fail before he has enough sobriety to qualify. Hard and sad to say, but you need to accept and allow him to live out his final days in the way he chooses.

It is unfortunate, but we are going to start hearing more and more about people with Hep C and cirrhosis. Vets from Viet Nam era, needle drug abusers and people who had blood transfusions before universal screening in 1992 are most at risk. Hep C can be in your body for many, many years before you develop symptoms. By that time, liver cirrhosis may have already set in.

My hub has Hep C. He tried a variety of treatments, but his particular Hep C genotype didn't respond. His liver started to deteriorate and a liver transplant became his only option. He did quit drinking and is still sober today - but sat on the waiting list for 5 years before he finally got a liver transplant.

I will keep you in my thoughts and wish the best for you and your nephew.

[bebop]

I just want to let you know I am here for you. I lost a husband 10 yrs ago to this. You can't do anything to get him to change hon. I know that sounds bad but it is the truth. they have to want the help. I am sure he knows he life is short at this point and perhaps now the drinking continues as a coping thing. how old is his son? will you get custody of him?