[Koigokoro-Love]

Don't really know what triggers people, but there's talk of sex and not being good enough, just fyi. And a lesbian relationship, so please don't queer bash.

So, I'm seeing this girl, and she's amazing and beautiful and smart and strong despite her weaknesses, and caring, and just all around wonderful. She's an artist, and an English student who loves analyzing social trends, and she's struggles with anxiety and abandonment issues...

And despite all of that I feel like I'm being a terrible girlfriend. Me and her have been seeing each other on and off for a few years now but we've never really had the ability to just be together until now.

And it's really awkward! I'm usualy really creative and active in bed, but I just feel so awkward around her. I feel like I can't give her what she needs. And I can't, we've talked about it. Though I can give what she wants to other, and have before!

She's really petite and delicate in build, but I know she's really tough and is a masochist and sub. But every time I see her I want to be a knight in shining armor! I don't want to hurt her, and I want her to feel special and beautiful. I'm worried I'm making her into a glass statue, and trying not to, but she's just so wonderful.

I really want to deepen the relationship, and I know she wants to too, but whenever were around each other it's like schoolyard romance in grade 3 or something. How can I break down the walls that we have. I really do want to be wonderful for her, and I really do love her, and want to be better for her and everything. I just hate putting my stuff on her, even though I know she can take it, and I hate the idea of hurting her, even if I know she likes it, or doing dirty talk, even though I know she wants me to.

Just thought I'd put it out there, see what you guys thought or figured, or have been through and see if there's any advice that could be useful?

KLove

[lynn P.]

I wanted to let you know there's a LGBTQ social group here, in case you want to re-post there, but this doesn't mean you're not welcome here though.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/group.php?groupid=24

I think you and your GF should have some nice discussions of how you feel and what you'll willing to do, to make her happy without sacrificing your own feelings. You probably equate rough intimacy as something mean and most do...but to someone who likes S&M this is exciting for them. Hopefully you both can compromise - best of luck.

[Harley47]

Hey there. I hope I can be of a little help, and at the very least offer some advice.

It is obvious from your post that you respect your girlfriend a great deal, which is a good thing, a great thing, even. But I think you nailed it when you said you're making her a glass statue. It sounds to me like you respect her to the point that you hesitate letting down your guard (strictly so to speak) enough to be comfortable with her out of fear of betraying that respect.

If I were you, I would tell her how you feel. Explain to her that you're afraid of offending her or betraying the respect you have for her. If I were a betting man, I would wager that she'd assure you better than any of us could that she'll keep that love and respect for you no matter what, as long as you do.

As far as the bedroom goes, I'd offer the same advice. Talk to her. You both need to be comfortable with doing something before it's done, so to speak. I would tell you both to tell one another (verbally, and outside of the bedroom) what you enjoy, and then go about it. Once she understands that your hesitation comes from your respect for her, I think things will go much better between the two of you.

I don't quite know the bondage culture very well, but I understand there's a sort of safety with the "safeword," no? I can assure you, if you were hurting her outside of the realm of what that entails, she would tell you. You need to trust her to do so if you're going to engage in that, but she also needs to know how you feel about it.

Also, one last thing. I haven't been on the forums long at all, perhaps all of an hour. But I have been a member for the Q/A section for about 3 months. If the people from Q/A represent the site as a whole, no one here would ever judge you for your sexuality. Not our place at all to do so.

I hope I was of some help, and I wish you my best.

[Koigokoro-Love]

Thanks to both of you, that really helps.

Lynn, Thanks for the tip off about the LGBTQ group. I might repost, but I figured this fit more here because it's less about a same sex thing and more about the actual relationship. And part of the reason this is so weird for me is because I'm usually extremely into SM. I know it from both sides, and I know how exciting it can be, and it's never been associated with "bad stuff" for me. Though maybe some stuff coming up in T is making it re-associate as bad? huh... i might have to give that some thought.

Harley, Yeah, I think we do need to talk. We already talked about what we like in bed, and even drew up a list. I'm more hardcore than she is! Huh, maybe I need to consider this too... But I think I'm going to take your advice and talk to her about why I'm so nervous. I do keep my guard up around her, and I've been trying to fix that. I personally hate being treated like a glass statue, so it's really frustrating me that I'm doing that to her.

Thank you both again for your input. Gives me lots to think on.

[Harley47]

You are very welcome. Do let us know how things work out, won't you? We're behind you all the way.

[Tigerdoll]

Hi, you sound like such a lovely caring girlfriend, Im not sure if this will help, but as a english artist who's up for a big of sm, all I can say is go slow and experiment first, maybe light bites on her body and (spanking) see how she reacts, then maybe then harder, as soon as you see thats shes enjoying herself you will be fine. She probably wants to make you feel happy as much as you want her too. and have fun