[peaches100]

I'm having trouble understanding something. All my life, my mom has had a super positive attitude, to the point where she repeatedly mimized or completely ignored my problems growing up. So many times when i was hurting and she could have been there, and i needed her to be, she wasn't. She has also continued to be this way in my adulthood. Like for example, i struggled with major depression for years, even got hospitalized, and my mom never even brought it up. When i would see her, she would never ask how my depression was going, or even what i was depressed about, or if she could help. In fact, when i told her a couple of things from my childhood that had caused me problems (including SA by a neighbor), she claimed nothing happened in my childhood that would have caused me to have depression. She said it was just my hormones, and "one day, you'll wake up, and it will all be gone." Back when i was a kid and told her about the SA, she did nothing either. Did not even confront the neighbor.

So anyway, MUCH of my therapy today centers around my lack of feeling cared about and protected by my mom growing up --and how it has affected my life today.

So. . .2 days ago, I was talking to my mom on the phone and she made a comment about how parents "always worry about their kids. Not like when they were little and they had to watch them all the time, but still. They continue to be concerned about them." I found this statement to be completely uncharacteristic of my mom. She has never said anything like this. She has never lived her life in a way that has ever showed she was concerned or worried about me. There were many times my dad would emotionally abuse me (both as a kid and now), where my mom would sit in the room, knitting away, not saying a thing to help defend me. And. . .just so many other times.

I find myself feeling very confused, and also angry, that my mom claims that as a parent, she has been and is concerned about me. How can she say that? How could it possibly be true if all my life, she has turned a blind eye to any sort of problem or suffering i've had?

I just don't understand at all. I wish my mom was that way. It's what i always needed growing up. But she wasn't. And now she claims she is that way.

I don't understand at all . . .

[peaches100]

There was one occasion a few years back where i was visibly upset about something and was crying. Even then, my mom acted like she didn't notice.

When i was a teen and went out on dates, my mom usually didn't ask where we were going and didn't wait up for me. Sometimes she didn't even meet the guy.

When i was a kid, they left us alone with babysitters all the time. My mom worked full time when we were little and took business trips, and it was traumatic for my sister and I, yet she didn't say no to traveling at work or try to get a different job.

A few years ago, i told her i had to have a test to make sure i didnt have a brain tumor. She didn't even call me to see how the test turned out.

Stuff like this. . .

Am i just nitpicking that these things upset me? Is this odd for a parent or not?

[Mordecaii]

i think its really odd for a parent. but my mother is the exact same way . i dont know why either . we just have a really strained relationship its been that way all of my life. is your mother a single parent?

[*freak*]

I'm sorry about what happened to you and your relationship with your mother, Peaches. I know where you're coming from. My mother is the same way. She never once stood up for me when my father was being verbally abusive, never asked me what was wrong when I was crying, never acknowledged my mental illnesses (anxiety & depression). Too many times I begged her to help me when I was suicidal and all she did was smile and leave.

This lead me to believe she didn't love me and I eventually stopped trying to connect with her or ask for what I needed. Until a few years ago when my last suicide attempt almost succeeded she came to see me at the hospital when they allowed her to. And the strangest thing happened: she cried and begged me not to leave her.

It seemed beyond unbelievable at the time, but now I understand that she does care about me. In fact she always has and she'll never stop. But. She's also in denial about all those things she can't really handle. My mental health issues, realizing that her daughter isn't like the other kids, not knowing how to help me... all this and so much more was going on in her life and the only way she found to cope with it was to deny it existed. This way she didn't have to suffer because of it and suffer even more because of the helplessness she would have felt if she admitted to herself that everything was going south and she couldn't stop it.

Does this make any sense? Maybe the reasons behind your mother's apparent lack of empathy toward you are similar to my mother's. I think that might explain the inconsistency in what she said 2 days ago that is in so much contrast with how she actually acted when you were growing up. It might be that in her mind she really is a good parent who has always been there for her child, because she meant to be but didn't know how.

Safe hugs to you (if ok) and please know that I'm not invalidating your feelings toward your mother or justifying the fact that she didn't help and protect you as you deserved. I'm just providing one of the possible explanations for her behaviour, based on what I've learned about my own mother in these recent years.
You're not alone in this and please keep posting if it helps

freak

[shezbut]

(((peaches)))

I can relate. My mom shares many of the same characteristics. I've had to pull away from her because I'm so confused and distressed whenever she's around.

Whenever I brought up traumatic events that occurred in my childhood, my mom called it "mental masturbation" which I found to be infuriating and shameful. Or she minimizes my experiences more by comparing them to her experience with her father (who was abusive physically, verbally and emotionally towards everyone!). She always "one up's" my experiences. I can't STAND that ~ it drives me insane!!

Anyway.... I really don't think that you're blowing things out of proportion. I think that your mom has a real tough time with admitting mistakes that she made while you were growing up. Her refusing to acknowledge your negative experiences, in her mind, means she was a good mom. {She probably had parents that looked the other way as she grew and then repeated the pattern with you and your sister.} Very sad

I'm sorry that your mom hasn't been there for you. It's hard to both acknowledge and accept that reality.

I can say that I'm now an adult and have 2 young children of my own. I have always been determined to not let the patterns repeat themselves. I do go out of my way to apologize and admit my wrongs to my girls. I don't want them to feel the same way that I feel towards my mom. Having grown up in a very dysfunctional family, it can be real tough for me to judge what is/isn't appropriate & treat them younger than they are probably longer than I should.

Gentle hugs sent your way!

It seems to me, your mother sees herself as a loving, caring parent even when evidence points the other direction. She is trying to kid herself, you, and the whole world. JMO. My mother is exactly the same way, as I've just gotten done ranting in the "juvenile terminology" thread.