There are terrible issues between my mother and me. For the past six months I have been asking her to either apologize for exposing me to the abuse she allowed the loves in her life (eight husbands plus live-in boyfriends) to put me through, everything from verbal degradation to molestation, or at least explain what she was thinking when she seriously considered reuniting with a man who had done that to her daughter. Not only has she ignored this, but she continues simpering at me as if there is nothing wrong between us. Her latest note to me, while flatly ignoring everything I've been telling her for the past six months, began, "Hello, little darling."

Little? I am nearly 48 years old, and large-framed. She is the only one who would describe me as "little." Because it's condescending, I hate it, and she knows that? I think so.

I asked my husband if his mother still talks to him like that. I hadn't observed it, but just to make sure, I asked. No. Of course she doesn't. My mother will use the word "girl" to describe me, while Mike tells me he hasn't been called a "boy" since he actually was one. My daughters, by the way, are in their 20's. I still catch myself referring to them as "my girls," but I correct it now. They are adult women, and should be respected as such IMO. For this reason, I don't buy the statement that "You are always your mother's baby, no matter how old you are." I have seen mothers besides my own (picture Everybody Loves Raymond) who continue to baby their adult offspring, and it never ceases to make me sick.

Granted I'm not the only one she talks this way about. When my late grandmother was seriously ill in early 2010, there was some family discussion about what to do with my aunt who was mentally challenged and in my grandmother's custody. Should she be left in the care of my uncle David? My mother (the oldest among the siblings) thought my grandmother might be nervous about that because "David is a boy, and Barbara is a girl." For the record, David is in his 50's, and Barbara, special or not, was in her early 60's. When do people become "men" and "women" in her opinion? Will she not respect the adulthood of *anyone* younger than herself? (What to do with Barbara turned out to be a moot issue, since my grandmother recovered, but sadly Barbara passed away. My grandmother followed almost a year later.)

My questions:

1. Do those of you with adult children still use childlike terms to describe or address them? "Boy/girl," "little," etc.?

2. Do any of you have parents who address or describe you that way? How do you feel about that?

[Caretaker Leo]

1. Do those of you with adult children still use childlike terms to describe or address them? "Boy/girl," "little," etc.?

No and yes. My sons are in their 20's. I address them as my sons and speak of them that way in conversations with people outside of the family. Yes, between my sibs and me we still might occasionally refer to our children as "the kids" in conversations with each other. But none of us use that term when speaking directly to our sons. (none of us has daughters). I guess it is more a term we use talking to each other that helps us feel younger than we all are. (50+) Oh, and every one of them is taller than us - so "little" wouldn't apply!

2. Do any of you have parents who address or describe you that way? How do you feel about that?

Our parents do not address us in that way. And if they are talking to others, they will say that they had 5 children. Beyond that, they will refer to us as adults and talk about our accomplishments in life.

I have had experiences at work where a manager might refer to some of us as "girls". That definitely raises my ire! If they were age 75+, I might let it ride - it was a typical term and not meant to be demeaning of that generation. But anyone else - excuse me, but I might be old enough to be your mother. Do not call me a girl!

I'm thinking that your mother might not actually mean to sound disrespectful with the way she addresses you. It might just be her way of apologizing - she can't say the words you want to hear - but she can allude to them by calling you her darling little daughter.

Just thoughts...

[Harley47]

My mom occasionally refers to me as her baby, though it's much less frequent since I turned 18 and moved to college. Largely, it comes in her occasional "I'm so proud of you" tangents, so I don't mind them much. By and large, I'm treated as an adult. I'd be offended if my mother referred to me seriously as a "boy" at your age (provided she wasn't joking. We do that back and forth a lot).

I'm sorry to hear about your mother Lovebirds. You certainly deserve a lot more than an apology from her.

Someone who is in the profession of guiding people through the after-effects of narcissistic parents, has just proposed a theory. Using childish terms to speak of me, and even calling her younger siblings "boy" and "girl" when they are older adults, allows her to maintain the illusion that she herself is still young. If she admits that her siblings are practically senior citizens, and I am middle-aged, she would have to give up the illusion that she is a new mother in her 20's with little children who need her to take care of them, and face the fact that she is old. Particularly hard for her now, maybe, since her latest husband died almost 2 months ago after he put up with her for 17 years. (Qualifies him for sainthood, right there.) What are the thoughts on that?

[Perna]

I will never forget when I asked for a raincoat for Christmas (removable inner lining) and it was 2 sizes too big. I was shocked out of my gourd as my stepmother had been buying my clothes or insisting on going with me to buy them for the 20-25 years we'd known each other. It finally dawned on me that I was mentally/psychologically "bigger" to her, she felt inferior to me! Bits and pieces of past conversations came back to me; how she was jealous of my getting to go to college (her younger brothers got to go but it was the Depression and she was a "girl" so was sent to secretarial school instead) and I have nice, wavy hair and hers is straight as a stick, etc.

I don't think your mother knows how to cope/deal in an adult fashion (hence all the men to "take care of" her) so I'd give up that she will ever apologize for what she cannot acknowledge. She does not sound like a grown up, so cannot act like one?

What I find strange is the fact that I said myself, when I was a teenager and she was overly strict with me, "She doesn't want me to grow up because she's afraid of getting old." At the time I was venting frustration. But it turns out to be true.

Also significant is that I was never taught to drive, because since I had mental health issues, family assumed I couldn't learn or was too afraid to try. So they didn't bother. There was talk of teaching me, any time I asked, but no one ever followed through on it. This kept me dependent, right where they wanted me to be, so they could feel needed and important by having to cart me around. The last time I had one of my own marriages blow up, and had to move back in with my mother, I was in my late 30's and couldn't go anywhere she didn't take me. She lives in a rural small town. No public transportation. I wanted to go to church, but she didn't believe, so she wouldn't take me, and wouldn't allow me to have someone come and pick me up. Why? Because then the neighbors might get the idea she was "needy."

Ever since, she has practically bragged to family members that I was so helpless she had to take me everywhere. It was that way only because she decreed it that way. But, anything to make me sound incompetent, and herself sound heroic.

[Caretaker Leo]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Someone who is in the profession of guiding people through the after-effects of narcissistic parents, has just proposed a theory. Using childish terms to speak of me, and even calling her younger siblings "boy" and "girl" when they are older adults, allows her to maintain the illusion that she herself is still young. If she admits that her siblings are practically senior citizens, and I am middle-aged, she would have to give up the illusion that she is a new mother in her 20's with little children who need her to take care of them, and face the fact that she is old. Particularly hard for her now, maybe, since her latest husband died almost 2 months ago after he put up with her for 17 years. (Qualifies him for sainthood, right there.) What are the thoughts on that?

I think there just might be a lot of truth to that theory...