[Beholden]

Need some thoughts on a relationship issue I'm having right now. My only irl close friend and I used to see each other once a week for lunch and walking in the mall.

Then about a year or more ago, she started to not be available as often. She seemed to have real reasons, doctor and hair appointment, funerals out of state, etc. But then it felt to me as if she was starting to put "limits" on how much time she wanted to spend with me. So I respected that.

It only became worse - more often. I mean, she and I didn't see each other much at all. I finally asked her if I had offened her in some way and that I was sorry if I had.....she hates confrontation and said she didn't feel offended.

But it felt like she was pulling away from me all the same.

So, I started doing the same thing. Not that I made up excuses to not go places, but I just stopped inviting her to run with me to the mall etc.

Then she told me about a 'bad situation' she had with her other friend, someone that rented a house from her. My friend was actually this other lady's AA sponser and they had a big blow up that ended in my friend telling this lady that she had to move out of her house. My friend told this other person she thought she should go find another AA sponser and was shocked when she was told "I already have months ago"!

Okay, I get that she felt hurt, angery, used. This other friend of hers had been behind on the rent, had taken advantage of her and trashed the house.

I've never done that sort of thing to my friend. But she has continuted to pull away. I know she has trust issues etc.

Then her sister and she had a big blow out and it resulted in a simular situation. And then a brother "re-appeared" in her life YET AGAINn and she finally stood up for herself with him. She flat out told him he coulnd not be part of her life.

She shared with me about the painful past relationship - how he terrorized her during her entire life.

I've not done anything to her and yet I feel like I'm in that same catagory. She doesn't want to be hurt by me so she avoids me.

I'm tired of being avoided and it bothers me that I haven't called her. Do I keep trying or do I just continue to give her space and hope she will call me? I miss her. I'm thinking I don't want to be hurt either.

Maybe I'll just post her a facebook message "miss you".

Any ideas?

[unaluna]

I think she was using up all her energy on these other bad relationships, and not having anything left over for more positive interactions with people. I know I go through phases with my friends, where I am feeling overwhelmed and just can't get out as much. Now that these stressors ARE out of her life, maybe you two can renew your friendship. I would call her and ask her out again.

[RomanSunburn]

If she has trust issues and is going through all these rough relationships, maybe a phone call would mean a lot. You could try making the first step, and then let her know that she needs to make the second step when she's ready... something along the lines of "Hey, lets get lunch. Oh, you can't? That's okay. Just know i'm always here for you if you need me. Let me know when you have some free time or just need to talk." Something along those lines. I would try to keep communication open with her if you can. Also, people do get busy. I have a friend that I used to get lunch with every week too. But then life got crazy and I think we cancel more plans than we make. It's hard, but friendships really are worth the work. Good luck!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Beholden

I'm tired of being avoided and it bothers me that I haven't called her.

You can only try from your end and deal with your own desires. I had a good friend of 20+ years that started pulling away, I only think I know some of the reasons (since we never talked about it) but they are "her" and that's the best I can do for myself; other people have their reasons/non-reasons and that's them and that has to be respected.

Call her and make a specific date and/or if it doesn't work out, you have to move on?