[Amanda bluebottom]

Ok, so I think I may be in love with my friend, let's call him Jack, and of course there seem to be many reasons why it cannot work.

A little history. I met him two years ago while working with homeless youth, though he is not a youth, he is younger than me by 10 years, but that is not at all the issue. When I met him both myself and my male friend that I met him with fealt an instant connection with him and started a friendship. At the time Jack was struggling with drug addiction and getting off the streets. After a while my friend and I let him move in with us while he tried to get his life together. In that time we all became very close. I fealt a very close connection with him, very comfortable, more comfortable than I feel with many people. After a while Jack and I started fooling around a bit, but we never got serious. It did however increase the closeness we fealt with eachother, but never seemed to hinder our friendship, though our close mutual friend, and my best friend, kept telling me I was getting too wrapped up and I was gonna get hurt, which I listened to and ignored at the same time.

After about 6 months Jack relapsed on drugs and went back to the streets. He and I stayed in communication and saw eachother several times as I wanted to maintain giving him love and support to get back on track. Many times he professed loving feelings for me, but I know some of that was love for the love and support I gave him as much as it may have genuinely been for me.

Over the last year and a half he has gotten his life much more back on track. He is about to graduate from school and is very dedicated to staying clean and sober, though he has faltered a few times. He is also currently living with me and my friend again.

I don't fully know how Jack feels about me romantically, though I do know he loves me very much, and I do know there is, and may always be, a strong connection between us.

We don't fool around anymore and have not for some time, but I just can't stop feeling the way I do for him and it is obvious to me and my best friend that I certainly was in love with him at one time. What is most important to me is our friendship, because I believe those are often the relationships that truly last. But it's hard for me to detach from my other feelings for him. The last guy I kissed all I could think was that I'd rather be kissing Jack.

I know this was a long post, and it's not even that fully detailed, but I think it's got the important information in it.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Much love and thanks.

[Perna]

Proximity and physical closeness can do a lot with our emotions. I would be leery of his living with you all all this time and the closeness, too "automatic". If Jack is not initiating interest (being as close to you as you are to him) then I would not do anything in this situation, would maybe move out on my own or have him move out or something? I would explore the world without Jack as it has gotten complicated with him these several times and that is all you have known.

The age may seem like it does not make a difference but it does. What you want at your age and what he wants cannot be similar because he literally lacks the experience. Your backgrounds, etc. cannot have been the same, there is nothing there to help hold you together. My husband is 7 years older than I am, we are in out 60's and even now the age thing is making differences; it is quite likely that my husband will be much less able to do things in the next 10 years than I will be and that will cut into my life. Another person has to be a partner or lives drift apart but being a partner with someone with a different age or background (never mind both) causes difficulties one doesn't necessarily foresee.

Sexually wanting another (wanting to be kissing Jack when you're kissing another) is not a great, enduring reason for wanting to be with another; sexual attraction is there "first" to bring people together and you then get to know the person as themselves and see if you want to stay together. But one can be sexually attracted rather easily/often; that is a "no-brainer" whereas true relationships take more than sex.

I guess you could ask him if he wants to try a friendship with benefits relationship but that would probably get your hurt as your friend says. I would see if I could spend more time away from Jack and "move on" with someone closer to my background and age?