[sakijuju]

hey guys its me again. I talk to me therapists and she said that she dosent recommend me and my ex to be friends cause its gonna hurt to much for the both of us. Earlier i had text her and told her that it wasnt fair that as soon as I started to change and become better she breaks it off with me. So after therapy I decided we cant be friends anymore. So I had this long text saying about how it was both of our faults and that she only focus on the bad things that have gone through our relationship instead of reflecting on the good times. I said this because all through her life all she has known is pain and hurt. And I guess shes been through it so long that the bad has blinded her. So as im texting her this long *** text. she calls me and tells me to say what I have to say and that shes blocking my number and we wont talk ever again. So I ask her to let me finish texting her the rest of my text but she kept telling me to say what i had to say so she could block my number and I told her just to let me text but then she starts going off saying its all my fault and I never listened and that before all this when she asked me to get help I didnt seek it. But thats not true there were complications that made me not able to seek help in the form of a therapists back then because of not having a job or money. So most of the time I would talk to my mom and get her view on things which helped me. But anyway she says its my fault that she fell out of love because of the arguments and stuff. And I tried to tell her to just listen to what im saying but she started to cry and started to curse me out on the phone and I got mad and started cursing back and trying to get her to listen to me but she hung up on me. Shes at school right now and so i texted her to at least text me back to say what I had to say and say my final goodbyes to her. I dont want to leave it like this as us hating each other. I dont know if I was in the wrong for trying to get her to see al the good times we had. But with her she always throws the bad things in my face. So I texted her and asked her not to block me so I can say what I had to say and if she wanted me to I will leave her alone forever. So do you guys think im in the wrong do you think she will text me wat should I do?

[Confusedinomicon]

I don't think she will text you back because it sounds like she is very angry and is not being rational. I also think she is probably validating blocking you because she sees you as a bad person and wants to put the blame on you.

What I think you're trying to do is make closure so you can move on. If you really have to, you can try to send the text w/your final goodbyes but this part is important. Do NOT talk to her afterwards. If she tries to call you or text you back, leave it. If you talk to her again, and you get in another argument, it will make the pain feel worse. If you leave it after the message without expecting anything back it will make the healing process easier.

I recently lost a friend after 6 years. It was painful and I let myself cry over it for a few days. After that I spent a lot of time trying to justify why it happened and after 3ish weeks, I want some real closure. However, it doesn't happen all the time and talking to her will only make the situation worse and make her resent me even more. It's not worth rehashing the wounds over and over.

Time does heal things, you just have to be strong. ((HUG))

[sakijuju]

Thank u so much I still do love her and she really hates me now but I'm done texting her I will leave it alone but I'm still worried because she lives in a home where her father verbally abuses her and tells her mean things and she's not able to see a therapists right now and I'm worried she may try to harm herself I'm so scared

[Confusedinomicon]

You have to let it go. You can't worry about her because it will literally make you sick because you will be helpless. If she doesn't want to talk to you then she will not accept any help you try to give her. It hurts like hell. It will hurt so bad that your heart will literally ache. You might even feel physically sick from the hurt you're experiencing. But, in order for you to be any help for her (like say she decides to talk to you again in 6 months and you feel like you can) you have to get better yourself. At this point the relationship you have with her has changed. You're no longer her boyfriend and shes no longer your girlfriend. The romantic line has been severed at this point.

Talk to your therapist openly about it and ask them to help you walk through the break up.

I have learned this the hard way through a couple failed friendships. The ONLY thing you can do is suggest for her to make a change (aka finding a way to move out of her abusive home) but unless she wants it, it will not happen. It is NOT your fault. There are plenty of people in her situation that come to the conclusion that the abuse is not fair and that they deserve better. Even if you were still with her, you can't make her realize that unless she wants to. That is why it is crucial you make the changes. If you make the changes and she comes to you as a friend, you'll be able to help her rationally. If she doesn't, you need to know you did everything you could for her and that you're leaving the situation with love.

I don't want you to ruminate on this too much. I did 3 years ago, and got so severely depressed that I ended up hospitalized. For me it took over a year for me to feel okay about that person and I still can't extend my hand in friendship with them. (I am friends w/his brother and ask him for updates every once in a while.) Did it hurt? YES! It hurt so bad that I thought I was going to die because they were so close to me!!! Did I survive? Yes and I know you can too.

[sakijuju]

Thank u for the advice and your right I do need to keep looking forward I really feel like crying now because I realize I became her dad by being over protective and not listening as much as I should have. For example before all this we had gotten into a bad argument and told me I needed to go to therapy I didn't have the money nor did my school provide them and I looked online for help but found nothing before so I talked to my mom.but she feels that it wasn't enough or I didn't try as hard and yesterday when I tried to explain she started crying and cursing me out. To the point where she doesn't want to at least be friends.shes always thrown the bad things in my face even in arguments so I tried to. Tell her all the good and the things I have done to help her but it only got a negative reaction.i beat myself up cause I know that her dad throws a lot of stuff in her face and I really wasn't trying too but I guess she felt like I was and made her stop talking to me. I never wanted to hurt her everything I did or tried to do was to help her or benefit her into making her life happy but I guess I did it in the wrong way.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you should give yourself a designated time period for you to actively mourn. Like maybe 3-4 days. Then you have to try and not cry after that because if you do it will make it harder to get over.

Since it was your first real relationship, there are going to be problems. It's like you're just exploring that part of yourself and you don't know how to react in every situation. I've been dating the same guy for a long period of time and we still have communication hiccups. It's a normal part of life. That's why therapy will help YOU. It seems impossible, but the next time you get into a relationship, YOU will have the skills to communicate in a non-defensive way and hopefully the next girl you are with is willing to learn from you. You can also ask your therapist to teach you about having healthy boundaries.

A relationship will never be perfect and it takes two to make it work. I don't think you should feel guilty about the failure of the relationship. It sounds like YOU tried to do the best in your own capabilities. You may have been more demanding of her to move forward, and maybe she wasn't ready to take that step.

[sakijuju]

Your right and thank u I'm going to move forward but she will always hold a place in my heart and I hope to be friends one day

[Confusedinomicon]

It will be hard, but believe in yourself!

((Hug))

[sakijuju]

Thank you so much. One more thing last night I decided to send her a prayer just so she knows I still got her back and all and she text me last saying she will talk to me sometime today. So idk if that was the right thing to do but yeah.

[sakijuju]

Hey it's me again well she texted me just to check up on me. She told me w e couldn't be friends anymore cause she don't think it will work. So I told her I understand and she said she will check up on me every now and then. I asked her the question if she hated me and if she thought I was always in the wrong. She said she didn't hate me but she didn't answer the other one so I guess she feels I was wrong even thoughive always tried to protect her and help her but I didn't text that to her.nit would have only started something I didn't want. After a few more texts she told me she will pray for everything I do and talk to me later. I said the same thing and told her I hope we talk again soon.so it kinda made me sad that she feels we can't be friends right now but I'm happy she texted me. Do you think she texted me cause she still have feelings or just cause.

[Confusedinomicon]

The more you talk to her, the harder it will be for you to move on because you're only reinforcing your attraction to her even though you guys aren't together.

It would probably be smart of you to give yourself a month before talking to her so you have some time to yourself to heal. Don't spend too much time thinking about her either. She has said she doesn't want to be your friend, so why would she keep talking to you? Put your foot down and give yourself time to detach yourself from her. If she talks to you again, both of you should be over one another OR both of you should want to get back together.

If a month sounds difficult, try one week without contact. If she still says she doesn't want to be with you, extend the time until YOU are ready to talk to her. You cannot be friends with her as long as you're still in love with her. If she gets with another guy it will hurt 100000x more because you still feel a romantic attachment to her. No point in putting yourself in that kind of pain if you can avoid it.

[sakijuju]

Yeah your right it's just so hard to not talk to your first love

[Open Eyes]

sakijuju,
Confusdinomicon has some very good advice. I can see that you are trying to leave this ex girlfriend with what YOU want her to remember. You kept insisting on putting in a completion of your need to justify whatever good things you thought you did. But in insisting on doing that, you were intruding on her desire NOT to want to listen, which is her right and you have to respect that. Given the fact that she is in a verbally abusive relationship with her father, the least you can do is allow her to say NO on her own terms. By not allowing her to do that and needing to push your final thoughts her way, the way YOU want to end the relationship, you are being no better than her father who doesn't respect her either. So, in the end even if you do end it the way YOU want to end it, your not being considerate of HER. LET IT GO.

You have to cut your losses and work on YOU. Remember that just because YOU want to get the last word in for your own sense of some kind of control, IT IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST WAY TO ADDRESS OTHERS. You cannot make others think like you think and push yourself on them. Yes others may be wrong, so that is their problem, you have to work on YOU.

This is something that a lot of people have to learn, not just you, I even have to work on this. And it isn't always easy because I am working on standing up for myself too and there sometimes is a fine line that I don't always see. BUT, I am learning all the time that some people are just going to be stubborn and think they have it all or are above all. So unless it directly effects me, I just let them go, and it isn't important they take any of me with them either. I often just choose to take the higher road and let them have their own issues. You cannot fix others, they have to learn how to do that for themselves.

Open Eyes