[vonnegutsedge]

I dont know what to do. I have been with my GF for 2 and a half years and i just found out a week ago she was cheating on me for two or three months. She says she still wants to be with me and I want to be with her but I dont know how to trust her.

She lied to me about so much. But she has also helped me with so much. I need her like I need no other. But my heart is dust. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to trust her. I dont even think Im worth the effort. I hate myself to the point where I dont want to look at myself in the mirror. I feel like everything is my fault. I need advice. Anyone willing to help?

Advice I heard once that I agree with: "People who lie to you, habitually, aren't doing it to protect themselves. They're narcissists. They think they're better than you. In their minds, you are inferior to them, so the idea of enhancing their image to be more appealing to you is laughable. They do it to control you. You are an object they master through dishonesty."

It's true.

There is no equity in the type of relationship you're describing. A person who lies that much doesn't respect you. The cheating was simply a manifestation of that disrespect.

The concept of breaking-up is probably absurd to her unless you become inconvenient or something. I'm not saying that to be a hard *** either. People are a mixed bag of emotions. For all the positive emotions you think she has for you, you have to at least concede that she probably has a lot of negative emotions for you as well. And people can be extremely cruel when they rationalize their own behavior using those negative emotions. She's likely done that.

When you become AS objectified in a relationship as she's done to you, you have to end it because now she's just waiting for you to become boring enough or inconvenient enough to justify leaving you. And I honestly believe that is her end game. You don't stay in a relationship with someone you do not respect.

[Eliza Jane]

The question you have to ask yourself is whether this incident is totally unlike her, or one instance of lies and disrespect among many. Relationships can get past affairs if iit is an isolated incident.

That said, I think it is important to look at the context. You aren't married yet and it will be easier to end things now than after you are married. Also, it is relatively early in your relationship and she can't handle it. It isn't like you have been married 10-20-30 years. Also, I'm assuming, you have no children with her yet, making it easier to get out.

If you don't have a therapist, now might be a good time to get one. You need support at this difficult time.

Best,
EJ

[Perna]

I guess if it were me, I'd want to know when she was cheating on me? If it was at the beginning of our relationship 2-1/2 years ago I wouldn't be as concerned than if it was at the end of last year or something.

I am a little concerned about your relationship with yourself and being down on yourself instead of angry and upset with her? You have not done anything wrong. I would get some therapy and try to straighten out myself before I would tackle whether I want to try to continue a relationship with her. Are you all living together or just "together" and seeing one another a lot? I would cool the relationship until it is clear what she means by "wants to be with you" in actions, rather than just words. She has to do trustworthy things to gain your trust is how you trust her again; that takes time since she blew it before.

[shezbut]

(((vonnegutsedge)))

I agree with Perna, that finding out exactly when the other relationship occurred would be helpful. What was happening in your lives at that time? Were you rarely around one another, busy with work, in the hospital,...?

If it was somewhat recent, and not real different than it is now, I'd be real concerned. Personally, my self-esteem is too low as it is. If I were to find out that my bf had a 2-3 month long affair, I would not be able to take it without blaming & hating myself even more than I already do. That would be hell! It sounds like that's where you're at yourself.

Thankfully, I haven't ever been cheated on, so I can only hypothesize. If you aren't already in therapy, I'd recommend that you start going. Having emotional support would be very helpful for you. You don't deserve the self-blame. You need to develop self-love and acceptance ~ that will give you the strength that you need to avoid painful relationships and experiences like what you find yourself in right now.

Gentle hugs sent your way...

[LiteraryLark]

Once a cheater always a cheater. She cheated on you once, whose to say she won't do it again?

Yeah, she helped you, but is that even worth her cheating on you?

You are setting yourself up for disaster. It's time to move on.

[Switch]

I'm going to speak on the other side of this. I believe very much that people can fall in love with more than one person at a time, and not know how to deal with it properly. I was involved in an affair (I was the other woman) and I feel like hell about it now. I lost two very good friends out of it, and I don't think it was worth it at all. That being said, I know the guy still truly loved his gf, and although the affair went on OVER A YEAR, he never stopped loving her, despite also loving me. When push came to shove, he found out he was also a sex addict, and has very bad impulse control.

My advice, talk to your gf. If this is the only thing she's really been lying about, and is willing to get help and work on it (she might also be a sex addict?) then I see no wrong in staying with her. If she lies to you about a lot of things, or hurts you in other ways (emotionally, or manipulating you mainly) then seriously consider leaving. You will find a way to live without her.

Most of all, don't blame yourself. I doubt very much she did this maliciously and unless it's obvious to you that she is using you for money or protection, I don't think she would have asked for forgiveness if she didn't still want to be with you. Whatever her reasons for this though, it is her reasons, not yours, and you should not have to take responsibility for what she did. It hurts I know, and I know you feel betrayed, but it isn't your fault. At all.