My boss is killing me

I have depression and I am getting sicker by the day. My boss snarls at me (and only at me) one day and the next forces me to sit and "converse" with her for what seems like hours but they are not conversations, it is whatever emotional hobby horse she wants to ride that day, personal stuff I don't feel I should have to listen to and stuff I don't feel it is appropriate for me to comment on. She is taking advantage of me and it is making me more and more depressed. All I want to do is go to work, do my job and go home at quitting time. My job isn't baby sitting her! If anyone crosses her she becomes enraged and takes revenge. I pray I can last until I can find another job. I first sought help for my depression because I was plagued by suicidal thoughts. Now they are back.

Oh honey, I feel you! I had a boss like that. Total narcissist. She would make me sit in her office and she regale me with stories about her personal life, and then we'd go out. She'd put me down in front of everyone we were with and would say things like "You're paid too much".

Get that resume handy and up-to-date. In the meantime, I'd also see about getting some help for you. What are you doing for your depression?

While I can't relate, I do agree with LookingforCalm. Apply to a new job every chance you get.

In the meantime, is your boss the type that is impossible to talk to? If not, try telling her how it makes you feel that she uses you that way. There must be a reason she chooses you and not someone else. Maybe she confides in you more than others? I don't think it's right for her to ride you the way she does, but something must be going on. If she isn't the type you can talk with easily, I would try seeking out her superior and letting them know what she's been up to.

Keep us updated!

I take an anti-depressant but I am going to seek out some counseling because this problem is bigger than my emotional resources as they are right now to handle.

Most of the time when she does this I am the only person available in the area for her to talk to. She seems hell-bent on forcing me to accept she is superior in every way. Anything she can't do or isn't interested in doing, she sneers at. She will bring up topics as bait so she can jump on what I say. She has personal beliefs that are extremist and not in keeping with the corporation's expressed values, and while I am on the job I keep 99.9% of my personal opinions to myself. I'm a firm believer in maintaining a professional demeanor while at the same time having cordial relations with co-workers in and outside of my department and she cannot figure out how I manage that. So she picks and she picks and she picks. Her emotional problems go back at least as far as elementary school; as for telling her superior, that person has never even been in our area and wouldn't care (on a corporate level) even if I did track the superior down and say what was going on.

No job is worth this to your mental health. Please take care of you and leave if you need to.

Thank you, Pegasus. I am working on it and hoping I can hold on until I get another job.

Yeah it does sound like she's using you as her personal therapist. I wish you luck on your job search. If you don't mind me asking, what field are you in?

I had a boss like that too, and we were working in her home, just the two of us! It was very hard to get away from her but I snapped one day when she hung the phone up on me like a child; I gave her three weeks notice I was leaving (more than the usual 2) and would be available to mentor my replacement if necessary, etc. but I was tired of her mental health issues clashing with my own :-)

I know exactly how you feel. I had that TYPE boss, fortunately I got through it getting a new job, and I know the day will come for you. It’s really not worth to hurt yourself, JUST a job, and you will see the new world outside there, so hold on, you always have support here! BIG HUGS……

I don't want to hurt myself; the suicidal thoughts are intrusive and upsetting and of course I know they are maladjusted thinking. How long did you put up with your boss before actively looking for another job and did you try to talk to him/her before you gave up and just quit? Also, I would agree with you it is "just a job;" brain surgery, singing for the Met, accounting, cashiering at Wal-mart, long-haul trucking and playing pro basketball are all just jobs; what is important to me is working without feeling there is an emotional knife held at the back of my neck 8 hours a day.

I agree that is what she is doing, but it's terribly unfair to me and not doing her a bit of good for her to be reinforced daily to continue being an overbearing, maladjusted snot nose. And I can see my continuing to appear to be putting up with it she sees as validation it is okay to continue and that she is right in her skewed opinion that she is the Queen of Everything. She's a third-grade bully and every bully I ever knew ran to the teacher crying "so-and-so hit me!" without ever mentioning "I pushed so-and-so down the stairs first" or something like that. The field I am in is immaterial, but suffice it to say I am not talking about her drill sergeant to my grunt.

She definitely struck me as a snot nose with the way you described her. I don't understand how a person like her got into the position she did. I have this feeling she probably had to do some bribing, or knew someone in the company. Either way, she's the type of person that causes businesses to fail. She should probably go back to third grade. haha.

You might be right; it is possible that businesses fail because of trouble-makers like my boss. Certainly people like my boss tend to drive dedicated, good workers away. I'm going to get away as soon as possible. You are partially correct in your feeling, too, that she knew someone in the company. That person is gone now and I can't help but think my boss is getting her last major freak on before she herself retires. As for why companies put up with/facilitate/encourage her kind of ill will: some types of work draw people who lack people skills; some companies either seek out or keep on people who would in days gone by not been hired or let go quickly for being poor performers (my company's unspoken motto is "better poor performance than taking the time to hire and train better performers" and let's not forget the pervasive: successful bullies are careful when and who to choose to bully. I work for a large corporation, and there is here what I suspect is in other large corporations, individual little 'kingdoms' so that in X's area people are treated decently; in Y's area only white people are treated decently; in W's area the people are run so by the book they don't get much done because they constantly have to wait for instructions from W; in B's area, only young men are hired...the list goes on and on. The poor twisted person who is my boss could continue to be a total crud to me and I guarantee you the company wouldn't do anything because they'd rationalize she is only a 'few' years from retirement. Meanwhile I am gauging if I jump out the window if the fall will kill me. I am not finding the situation funny, and I find it particularly galling that I want to do a good job and am being held hostage by an emotionally stunted extremist bigot who is discriminating against me for what she thinks she knows about me.

I am sorry that you are being sought out by your boss for therapy Icecreamkid, unfortunately we can pick our friends but we can't always pick our bosses unless we are self employed. It is probably your good nature that she is spotting and taking advantage of unfortunately.

Do you have a therapist now? If you don't then maybe find a therapist that does cognitive behavioral therapy, that would help you learn how to overcome this kind of person, because they are out there and I am sure there are techniques you could learn to make yourself less appealing for them to pick out and manipulate somehow.
Please don't let this depress you, but it would be good to know what about this kind of person does depress you. Personally I do my best to try to learn from people, yes there are times where I just want to run from them too. But running is not always the answer, learning how to overcome can provide you with some personal strength that can help you with the anxiety your dealing with that leads to your feeling depressed. We cant change other people but we can learn to change how we react to them and some methods we can use to prevent ourselves from being victims somehow.

You can continue to look for a different job, but we all know the economy and job market is tough so trying to find a therapist that you can work with to learn how to overcome this should be a priority. There must be something you can do that will politely and safely turn her off and leave you alone.

I CAN relate to how it can get you down, I am dealing with an attorney that really gets me down too. I talk about it a lot in therapy and it does depress me to the point where the mere thought of him Zaps my energy. My therapist doe not do cognitive therapy, wish he did though.

((((((Hugs)))))))
Open Eyes

Sounds like my company:

X = Supervisors/Managers and above
Y = Tech support (my area), the "white people" would be the NOC (large business tech support)
W = customer care, which is outsourced.
B = Network techs.
You get the picture.

Luckily X and Y are all there for each other and are pretty closely knit. I really hope you get out of this mess soon and hopefully into a more supportive environment.

So you are posting about your workplace? It doesn't resemble mine at all. I'm glad you're having such a great experience at your workplace; but you missed my point above entirely. Have a great day.

Well, actually my previous BOSS didn’t depress me as much as your, relate to the way you descript her like “an emotional knife held at the back of my neck”. I think the difference between us is the attitude on it. OPEN EYES was right, there must be some ways to overcome this kind of person, for me, it’s not too hard. In fact, my BOSS is a poor woman, divorced twice and has no children. Someone like her would never have happiness unless overcoming her owned emotional issues. I kept it in mind whenever she snarled at me, it made me feel better. Oftentimes, I found some excuses to get away from her, like “urgent call”, “work piled up on my desk”, something like that. I would even say no to her if I was not in the noon. Keeping 99.9% personal opinion is too difficult to me, you are doing great but sometimes that would make you depressed.

My boss stands at my desk and yammers and yammers and yammers; the other day I was trying to go to the restroom and she came up to me and blocked my way and continued to talk and talk and talk; I finally said "excuse me I need to go to the restroom". I'll solve the whole mess by getting another job. I don't need this juvenile, obnoxious aggravation. My impulse is to strike her to the ground when she snarls at me; it takes all of my self-control to stop from doing that. I admire your self-control in being able to direct your thoughts to your boss being an unhappy person.

Hi IceCreamKid,

Oh sorry to hear you're still struggling with that imposing person, wow she IS an annoying entity. Hmmm, did you try googling or searching how to deal with a bad boss? Or annoying boss? etc.? Maybe there is constructive advice on this dilemma.
Surely there must be as it is a common complaint.

Open Eyes

I am so sorry, IceCreamKid. Does the sunshine help? “For look at the sunshine, I go to the world.” Every time I am in depression, I remember this poem, and it helps me a lot. Taking a deep breathing, going out for a walk to clear my head, looking into the sky, thinking about the people you love and who love you, all these little things make me feel better. You need to deal with that imposing people, I need to find another new job, because the current one has no promote opportunity, my father and bro fight every day. I think my point is “THAT’s life. It happens to the best of us”. But I am not scared. I believe that one day I could take it, and I could overcome all these sucks and get my happy ending. There must be no exception for this time.
I am sorry I couldn’t give even a tiny constructive advice, but I really, really wish you have a happy ending.

Thanks for the comments and advice, I appreciate it.