I was listening to the radio this morning, and the guys were discussing relationship no-no's, and one of the big ones was NOT using someone as a pawn (so cruel). I thought "that is the most awful thing. How could someone do that to someone else"?

"Because the pawn is the weakest piece, it is often used metaphorically to indicate unimportance or outright disposability, for example, 'S/he's only a pawn in their game.' "

And then it occurred to me that in my last 2 big (long-term) relationships, I truly believe that I may have been used as a pawn (so they could "get back" at their ex's)

I was head over heels in love, too. Engaged even! But I don't think they ever had any real intention of marrying me.

I think they were both just using me for their own selfish purpose, and that I was totally disposable to them (which makes sense because I have FELT disposable since I was little...so why not attract guys who use women?)

I think I put myself in the position to be a pawn because I didn't feel good enough about myself, and they put me in the position because I was an easy target (not necessarily purposefully. I don't want to sound paranoid or make them out to be completely and totally EVIL (sociopathic) people...but who knows really).

I am not happy.

I am not going to make that mistake again.

(I am actually mad at myself right now for wasting 13 years of my life and for being soooo stupid!)

[aria83]

It's good to be aware and conscious of the way things are in your personal relationships. But don't beat yourself up over the past. The best you can do is learn from it and say: in the future I will know better.

I try to see the good of what came from my past relationships, i.e., what I learned, and use that to my advantage. I have learned a lot about myself and about what I want.

Best wishes and hugs

[Open Eyes]

(((((Rose)))))

You are not stupid, and often many of us make mistakes because of how we were raised and we CAN be sometimes trained to overlook bad behaviors, even feel that we don't deserve something better somehow. This is not your fault and from what I have learned about you, you are a nice person and sometimes nice people just can't believe others can use and abuse the way they do. And some people are really good at manipulating others and just don't care who they hurt, they are just plain selfish.

You have learned from some very disappointing relationships. And the best statement you have made is that you are not going to allow yourself to make these mistakes again. Good for you.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes