[Saxa]

Hi everyone. I hope someone can give me some advice... I got married a bit more than 1 year ago, and me and my husband love each other very much and are truly happy. He was married before and has a 10 yrs old son. I moved from a different country and left everything behind to be with him and i do not regret it. He is an amazing husband, i can't complain. He listens, talks, is a great friend, supportive, communicative and loves me and shows it. When i moved to the US my relationship with his son was great, we used to play a lot and have fun and we created a nice bond. After a few months I noticed a different behaviour with him... some little hints of jeaulosy and being protective of his father. I let this go because i understood he is just a kid. My relationship with his mom was great at first too, i even liked her. But seems to be she had issued before, she has depression problems and that affects her life a lot, ups and dows, love you-hate you...well, you get the idea. I can consider her a good mom overall, but lately, with her you never know. She reacted sometimes horribly against her son, to the point that one day she called my husband almost at 11 pm to go pick his son up because she was upset for something he didnt want to do, she kicked the boy out of the house with luggage and everything, now imagine the poor kid crying and not understanding. Of course me and my husband were very upset about it. He stayed for a few days with us. He kept trying to call his mom and she never answered, she thought it was a good way to make the kid understand... and that is how all started. I have my personality and caracter, and do not stay quiet just because and of course because of the situation and seeing the boy upset and sad affected me and i felt even closer to him during that time. After a while, his mom calmed down, and as expected she came back for him and took him (making a scene btw) and crying here and there... i was so upset that she can just react however she feels like and as everyone around her is used to her ups and downs nobody teaches her a lesson or puts her in her place, she is used to manipulate and do whatever she wants because she knows nobody wants to hurt the kid. Anyway, to make long story short, i was hurt for her behaviour, for the kid's behaviour after the situation (which honestly is not his fault) being all loving with his mother and like nothing happened and i was just set to a side, for the inability to do something, since he is not my kid and at the end is not my business (in this situation at least), and i decided to create some space and not get involved too much, i didnt want this things to hurt me anymore and i thought it could be a good way to protect my self. Since then, the kid has just move away from me also, and i have started not to care. He is being even more possesive with his dad, he has even developed an ugly personality (which seems that he always had, according to my husband) and he has become manipulative... he has used me several times to get something of me and then take the credit for it - gifts, duties around the house, even one time i was making cookies and he asked if he could help, and i was so happy for him helping me, i thought maybe things were going to get better... but then, after dinner him and my husband were eating cookies and him, with the most serious and convinced face said "dad, do you like the cookies i made?, which ones are better, mine right?" and kept going, and not even once he looked at me or mentioned me in the whole cookie process... this just to mention some. We are watching tv and he just jumps in the middle or on his dad's lap or take his hands when he is holding mine, and i just found out he keeps asking his dad who is his favourite between us. I have gotten to the point of not even care about the kid. I have talked about it with my husband, and he understands my point and we communicate very well, he says i can correct the kid anytime he needs to be corrected and that i need to be stronger with him to gain his respect again. Honestly i just dont care. But i do love my husband and Know this affects him more than it does to me, and i want to see him happy. How do i learn to care again? can i? Does anyone is going through something similar? Thank you all very much.

[Leed]

Hi ~
I know this has been hard on you -- it's never easy becoming a step-mom. But you have to remember that this boy is just a child. He's jealous. He KNOWS that you and his father have a good relationship, and he's afraid that you might "take him away" from him. Of course it's ridiculous, but to a child it's very real. Plus his Mom and Dad aren't together anymore, and perhaps he thinks it's HIS fault. Kids often feel responsible for the split and often parents don't think to explain to them that it's NOT their fault. So he may be trying to get you out of the picture so he can get his parents back together, not knowing that this isn't going to happen.

Patience & understand are crucial here. Plus he needs alot of LOVE. Sure, he's going to mess up, and probably frequently. He's going to try your patience to the nth degree! You may want to pull your hair out. But try seeing it from his side. He may feel like he's being tossed around from pillar to post, going back to Mom & then back to Dad. He doesn't "belong" anywhere! At least that's probably how HE feels. Make him feel like he DOES belong.

You have a hard job ahead of you. But this little guy's future depends alot on YOU and his Dad (and Mom) of course. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee