[Perna]

My husband is oldest of four brothers and the youngest just died last week. The second oldest lives near the youngest and has been "responsible" for him for the last 25-30 or so years; my husband, being oldest, "babysat" when the youngest was youngest. He was the "problem" child (he was self-sufficient but moved from Florida, where their parents lived, to San Francisco; the second oldest lives in California also).

So, there's a memorial service for the youngest in San Francisco and we live on the East Coast. The third brother, second youngest, lives on the East Coast too but is going to the memorial service in 2-1/2 weeks but my husband isn't/doesn't want to. I'm trying to talk him into going; trying to get him to do the "oldest brother" role and show solidarity with his, now, other two brothers who will be there/going and support the second oldest who has had this "oldest" responsibility for so long (he was there when this brother died). I have a couple things I could do in San Francisco (I have family there too) and have offered to go with him, if that would help him decide to go.

I feel a little guilty trying to pressure him to go. I have three brothers also (but I'm youngest) and don't want him to regret these end-of-life opportunities, not taken? We're in our 60's and aren't getting any younger.

I'm sorry for your husband and you're loss, and his other brothers. This isn't ever easy. I think you are doing the right thing, as long as it isn't too pushy, but I've read lots of your posts here and I doubt that's the case. Has he said why he doesn't want to go. I understand that this would probably mean a lot to the two other brothers as well.

I didn't go to my fathers funeral, I just couldn't do it. No amount of talking to me was going to change my mind. My sisters had to go without the support of their youngest sister. And I know this was hard for them, and they did feel am empty hole where I should have been. I tho, could not bare to go, I couldn't face the pain, and I was scared. I needed more time. In the end I am still glad with my choice, I think it was the right decision for me. But I was scared that I might regret it. There isn't going to be a do-over.

I guess I would just ask why he doesn't want to go, and maybe talk about that a bit. But if he really feels this is best, maybe it is best for him.

Again, sorry for your loss, I hope it works out, and everyone can come to peace, no matter the decision.

[Leed]

I guess alot depends on his reason for not going. Is there a resentment towards the younger one who passed?

My only concern is that this COULD cause some problems between the brothers if he doesn't go. There were 4 sisters (including me) in my family. One sister died last week. I was responsible for this sister for the past ten years -- for her financial situation, etc. My other 2 sisters live on the west coast. Well, when this sister died, the other 2 did NOT come home! So now I have to clean out her apartment by myself, and I'm disabled! You have NO idea what a mess I'm in because I have a DEADLINE as far as cleaning it out. She lived in a senior citizen housing complex, and they only give you a certain amount of time. I'm supposed to be out of there by this Thursday -- and it's NOT going to be done! So naturally I have a bit of a resentment towards them for NOT coming home to help.

I'm wondering if your husbands brothers will feel resentful towards your hubby for not coming. Is that a possiblity? I would hate to see a problem come up between them . But of course I don't know his reasoning either.

I think you're right about trying to get him to go -- he probably will regret it in the future. I wish you the very best. Keep us posted, ok? God bless, Perna & take care. Hugs, Lee

[gma45]

So sorry for your loss Perna. I would not pressure him to go if he really doesn't want to go after all it was his brother. Maybe you can go some other time to see your family there. Take care.