[Cherise30]

I have been with my husband for nearly 10 years, we have been married for 18 months. I love him dearly but in the last few months I have fallen for someone else.

The person I have fallen for has been a friend for a few years. We always have been attracted to each other, but never really realised it was mutual until a few months ago. I never acted upon it before as I was happy and content with my husband, but in the past few years I have found that my sex drive was completely lost. I thought it was me and that I must have a problem, I simply just didn't feel like having sex, I was never aroused or turned on and the longer it went on the worse it got. I started to get a bit concerned as I have always been a very sexual person and really enjoy sex and was becoming a bit depressed as I am on 30 and don't want my sex drive to be gone. Meanwhile I had started hanging out with a friend of mine a lot more - just purely circumstantial - and started to realise my attraction to him was getting stronger. And then one night, when we were hanging out, and very drunk I might add (not that it is an excuse it just took away any inhibitions) we acted upon it and kissed. It didn't go any further that night, we talked about it but then the next time we were together we slept together.

After this I realised that my lack of sex drive problems were clearly not just 'me' but with my relationship with my husband. I am just not attracted to him anymore. He is a wonderful person, I still love him and he is a great companion, but I don't feel anything physical and I don't know what to do. At the time of this we were getting ready to relocate to a different city, so my friend and I always new anything was going to be short lived, but along the way, and very quickly, we fell for each other. We are so alike and have so much in common and most of the time we were together it was never completely about the sex - we would hang out for hours before anything physical would happen.

I have since spoken to my husband - not about the affair but about my feelings - which was difficult to do - and he was hurt but is optimistic we can work it out. I had hoped that by moving and not seeing my friend anymore the feelings would go away, hoping they were just 'in the moment and the excitement of something different and new' but they haven't, if anything they have become stronger and he feels the same and now I don't know what to do. It's all I think about. I feel terrible for my husband as he doesn't deserve this, I feel terrible for my friend because, even tho he had a choice I am still hurting him and I feel terrible that I am placing the physical as such an important thing as everything else with my husband is great....but the physical is important to me. And to be honest the sex with my husband was always good, but the sex with my friend is the best sex I have ever had - not just because it's new and exciting and different, but because we are so intuitive and like the same things and just get each other. There are some sexual things that have always been missing with my husband - not his fault it's just we are different and I don't want to have to make him do different things in bed, I want them to be things he thinks of himself.

So I am at a crossroads, it's all I think about every day, and I don't know what to do anymore. If it was as simple as it's just sex and I could choose my husband and let my friend go I would, but the feelings are so much deeper and even tho no one can predict outcomes I am scared of making the wrong choice. Until now I have never looked at or been interested or attracted to anyone but my husband, so the fact this has happened means something. Is it fate? I am so confused and sick of having this running thru my head. Can anyone help?

[bowhunt72]

If you read my posts in the Marriage & Separation forum you will see that I am exactly the wrong person to give you advice on this subject, but I didn't want to see your post go unanswered. I know from being there myself that this is an extremely difficult situation to be in. I wish you all the best as you make your choices to deal with it.

[Cherise30]

Thank you

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

If you read my posts in the Marriage & Separation forum you will see that I am exactly the wrong person to give you advice on this subject, but I didn't want to see your post go unanswered. I know from being there myself that this is an extremely difficult situation to be in. I wish you all the best as you make your choices to deal with it.

[Leed]

You're in a tough spot. I think I can understand. But I think I KNOW what I'd do too. I'd stay with my husband.

You haven't said if there are any children iinvolved. If there are THEY are your first responsibility. They deserve to have their dad because this is NOT their fault. Breaking up the home would be devastating to them, especially siince you say that you still love their father. But I won't get into that since I don't even know IF you have kids.

Secondly you've only really had the affair with this guy for a few months. Sure, you knew him before that as "friends" but things didn't get heavy until recently. You're still on your "honeymoon." This isn't always going to be like this. You will get into the "doldrums" with HIM too. Life doesn't STAY exciting even with your lover. You say you have lots in common with this guy but I'm sure you do with your husband too or you wouldn't have married him. It's just that you've let your marriage get stale! It doesn't have to STAY stale. You can spice it up.

Like you said, your husband doesn't deserve this since he's such a nice guy. And why can't you ask him to do things differently in the bedroom? That's what partners are SUPPOSED to do!! He's not a mind-reader -- he can't know what you want unless you tell him! So TELL him what you want in bed. You'll both be happier in the sex department cause then HE will feel more comfortable telling you what HE wants.

And if there are other things in the marriage that are 'wrong' then get some counseling -- but don't put an end to a 10 year relationship and an 18month marriage just because you got it on with some "friend." This guy obviously isn't much of a friend to your husband. How does your husband feel about you spending so much time with this guy? It would seem that it would hurt him. He's probably too nice a guy to say anything.

Please -- don't break up your marriage for this. It won't last, believe me. You've got a GREAT guy in your husband. Not many would put up with this "friend" of yours. You're a lucky woman. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Gaberiel]

There is more to a relationship than just sex. You have to weight that into your decision. There are ways to spice up your sex life when it becomes routine. I have been with my wife for going on 12 years, there have been a couple times I have almost slipped over sex, and it was just sex, something new, but my wife is everything I need in a person. Weigh everything before jumping overboard.

[Rob1210]

I despise cheating. My dad cheated on my mother to be with my now step mother. My mothers husband cheated on his then wife to jump in bed with my mother before my dads side was cold. My sister cheated ion my brother in law with his friend. It's a horrible mess and has hurt me and others so much over the years.
If you're not happy, talk about it. If you're STILL not happy, end it. You've said yourself your husband is a wonderful man. Does he deserve to be treated like this? Throwing away 10 years for a fling. It's a part of life that sex life dries up. It's never as easy or frequent as when you're first together. It's about being intimate together rather than just going at it like rabbits. Cuddle up on the sofa watching a soppy film, have a bath together. Allow things to develop rather than expect yourself to be up for it.

Anyway, probably not the best person to comment, but thats my tuppence worth.