[ketl1]

How to stop fighting with my boyfriend????

My boyfriend and I are constantly fighting. It is like we now have specific roles where he is the “too angry one” and I am the “too sensitive one” and we are completely unable to communicate once these get started.

Example: We were making out and I asked him if he liked what we were doing. He said, “no.” I thought he was being deadpan or something so I said, “you don’t like it?” and he said no and got angry. Well it turns out he was irritated because he thought I was saying “do you mind what we are doing.” Apparently in his mind, once he got irritated I was supposed to completely not react and go back to cuddling. When I looked shocked he just said, “ok, fine I’m going to go surf the net.” I was more shocked. Commence a long fight with him lecturing me about being too sensitive and me crying for an hour.

Another example: I asked if he minded that I wanted to cancel on our weekly dinner date with his friends. He got annoyed and stuff. Then he explained why he really wanted to go this week and not cancel. So I suggested that he just go without me and I stay home. That really annoyed him. When pressed later he said he was annoyed that I was seemingly trying to compromise because he hates having people do him favors. So I said to him he didn’t usually hate me doing favors. He kept saying he didn’t know why he was angry at me but he was.
He was angrily lecturing me about why every little thing with me “turns into an hourlong discussion,” and we canceled our plans to go to the park and drove home because we were fighting. Cue me going off to be alone, crying again. He came to me after that and said that he was “depressed” and so sorry.
Another example: I’ll admit that I’m kind of sensitive… literally hours after, we went to dinner and the waitress was kind of rude. We were talking about how people we know handle rudeness in other people. So he was like, “Man, [our mutual friend] would have totally known how to handle that situation, she is the least socially awkward person I know.” So I was like “ha ha… I hope you’re not making a comparison!” And he was like “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS” and got very annoyed.

I think there’s some kind of problem with our communication here because my boyfriend never used to feel that I was “doing” things—granted, I am usually not this insecure, but, well, my boyfriend has been constantly angry with me lately. I am extremely attentive and careful to make sure he’s happy. I check with him about everything. I never try to jump to conclusions with him. I have no idea where this dissatisfaction is coming from.

These three fights above were all in the past 24 hours but are pretty typical. Help!!!!

[IceCreamKid]

Your boyfriend is responsible for his own happiness. Since you are sensitive (something I see as an asset in a person) you might identify some situations and things that appeal to you personally and individually and tend to them; for example, if you don't want to go to dinner weekly with his friends, it doesn't have to be an issue; you were right to suggest he go alone. By being ultra-attentive to his 'needs' you might be neglecting your own. You deserve as much of your attention as he does. I'd like to suggest, too, that not everything needs to be a fight. If your boyfriend admires someone's assertiveness, if you know this person, too, and his comment is an accurate reflection of her personality, you can simply agree: "Great point!" without assuming he is secretly commenting negatively on your personality.He's with you, not this other person, after all. Even if you don't agree and you think the other person is a meanie, you could simply nod to acknowledge what he said, and still not internalize it as some sort of secret, personal criticism. I hope this helps.

[shezbut]

ketl1,

Sometimes, we have "off" days with our significant other. That's when we are just on different points of view, and explanations of our view make no difference in the mood. That does occur occasionally in long-term relationships.

If these off days are occurring pretty regularly (once a month, or more) you really need to look at the relationship more closely. What are you putting into the relationship? What is he putting into the relationship? I am also very hypersensitive ~ which I can see that it adds a lot of unnecessary stress to relationships at times. Like it did in this situation..."we went to dinner and the waitress was kind of rude. We were talking about how people we know handle rudeness in other people. So he was like, “Man, [our mutual friend] would have totally known how to handle that situation, she is the least socially awkward person I know.” So I was like “ha ha… I hope you’re not making a comparison!” And he was like “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS” and got very annoyed."

You were feeling hypersensitive, testing to see if your mutual friend was more appealing to him now. His reaction wasn't what you hoped for either, I'm sure. He didn't give a silly reassuring smile or chuckle, like comments like those used to get. Right? It is hard to come to the closer part of the relationship, where our SO sees our weakness and becomes angry with us about it. Unfortunately, that's a recurrent theme in our lives.

There are positives to hypersensitivity. We are more open to helping other people who do need help ~ I'd recommend following that avenue. Volunteer at Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA, soup kitchens, elderly networks, environmental groups, etc... These groups are happy to have people like us helping them! A win-win situation, imo.

When you get home, try to use your "wise mind" more often to avoid conflicts. Best wishes to you!