[Seshat]

I've been single all of my life. I have a history of emotional wounds caused by "almost boyfriends". I guess it's my fault. I'm not good at choosing, and I may have been naive when I was younger and I'm not assertive enough. My T believes "young love" (T's words, not mine) doesn't work. Everytime said issue comes up, I end up thinking to myself "Thanks for the info, T ". LOL. I've been seriously thinking about staying single forever. I don't need a guy to take care of me and I sure as hell don't need/want the drama. People say being single is widely accepted nowadays. I beg to differ. It's not. I'm 22 (going on 23) and people think there's something wrong with me just because I'm not interested in dating. Not that I'm obsessing over what people think of me (although that's something I'm still working on), but I thought I'd mention it in order to describe the "scenario". The point is I'm sick of everyday people who don't understand me telling me stuff like "you're still young", "you will find someone else", "given the fact that you're a 20-something, you don't know a lot about life and you shouldn't complain". Are they feeling sorry for me? I guess they mean well and I guess I shouldn't get angry about it. It's just that I've realized they make me feel worse even if it is unintentional. I don't know. I see myself as a grumpy person and I figure I come off as ungrateful. I'm not ungrateful. I've always been shy, introverted and reserved and I don't see why people hate those things so much. Ever since I was a kid I've been told by my family (they're good people, they just don't get me most of the time) and society I shouldn't be like that because "it's not ok", "you need to have more friends", "you should enjoy yourself in social gatherings". I don't usually confide in others. Consequently, I don't see how people whom I don't even talk to about my problems can for one second think they know me. It's like people assume I lock myself in my room 24/7 or something. My T thinks I have self-esteem problems and I'm aware that's true for the most part, but I think it's not the only factor that determines my situation. People say I'm "pretty". I'm sure they say it just to be nice. Of course I say "thanks" whenever someone compliments me because I fully appreciate it, but lately I've been feeling as if I have to keep myself from laughing when people mention the word "pretty" in particular. I know this is not interesting or important but I needed to vent. Thanks.

[seeker1950]

Seshat, hunny, I'm going to send you a PM.

Originally Posted by Seshat

I've been single all of my life. I have a history of emotional wounds caused by "almost boyfriends". I guess it's my fault. I'm not good at choosing, and I may have been naive when I was younger and I'm not assertive enough. My T believes "young love" (T's words, not mine) doesn't work. Everytime said issue comes up, I end up thinking to myself "Thanks for the info, T ". LOL. I've been seriously thinking about staying single forever. I don't need a guy to take care of me and I sure as hell don't need/want the drama. People say being single is widely accepted nowadays. I beg to differ. It's not. I'm 22 (going on 23) and people think there's something wrong with me just because I'm not interested in dating. Not that I'm obsessing over what people think of me (although that's something I'm still working on), but I thought I'd mention it in order to describe the "scenario". The point is I'm sick of everyday people who don't understand me telling me stuff like "you're still young", "you will find someone else", "given the fact that you're a 20-something, you don't know a lot about life and you shouldn't complain". Are they feeling sorry for me? I guess they mean well and I guess I shouldn't get angry about it. It's just that I've realized they make me feel worse even if it is unintentional. I don't know. I see myself as a grumpy person and I figure I come off as ungrateful. I'm not ungrateful. I've always been shy, introverted and reserved and I don't see why people hate those things so much. Ever since I was a kid I've been told by my family (they're good people, they just don't get me most of the time) and society I shouldn't be like that because "it's not ok", "you need to have more friends", "you should enjoy yourself in social gatherings". I don't usually confide in others. Consequently, I don't see how people whom I don't even talk to about my problems can for one second think they know me. It's like people assume I lock myself in my room 24/7 or something. My T thinks I have self-esteem problems and I'm aware that's true for the most part, but I think it's not the only factor that determines my situation. People say I'm "pretty". I'm sure they say it just to be nice. Of course I say "thanks" whenever someone compliments me because I fully appreciate it, but lately I've been feeling as if I have to keep myself from laughing when people mention the word "pretty" in particular. I know this is not interesting or important but I needed to vent. Thanks.

[LadyShadow]

Seshat, I am sorry that you feel this way. I had a string of "almost boyfriends" in high school, and only had three serious relationships in my lifetime, (currently in the third one). I'm 31, and I understand what you are saying about people telling you that "you're young, you'll find someone, you have your whole life ahead of you blah blah blah"

I heard it all through my 20's because I was single for most of it. I was single for close to 7 years before my current boyfriend. I am like you where I don't believe in the fact that it is accepted for people to be single nowadays.

Please keep posting and venting, I enjoyed hearing your thoughts. And I believe you will find someone. I am hopeful for you. Take care and good luck

[AvidReader]

Seshat, you sound a lot like me. When I was literally your age -- 22 -- I'd had several "almost" boyfriends, never anyone serious, and was burned out on the idiots I had dated. I'd pretty much given up on ever meeting anyone. I got married at age 26. (And now I'm in the middle of a divorce, but anyhoo....)

I hate it when people pass judgment or try to give advice when they don't really know me. I know they mean well, but it's so irritating.

I think your attitude (e.g., "I don't need a guy to take care of me") is spot on.

Hugs!

[Seshat]

Thanks everyone

[Confusedinomicon]

Most of my friends have had their first boyfriend around 21/22. A good portion of them aren't interested in dating. Both of my roommates have not dated and they're your age. (And mine!) There isn't any reason to rush into dating, AT ALL. It's better to wait, and if someone comes by that you're compatible with go for it. You'll be that much happier than if you just find a guy and decide he's "good enough".

Try your hardest to stay away from conforming to the standard. Do what feels right to you!

[RoamingMind]

Seshat,

What type of guys are you usually interested in?

Some people may compliment you just to be nice, and unfortunately that makes it
hard to recognize honest sincere compliments. If you haven't discussed your problems to somebody and they say you're pretty, then chances are they are being honest.
Keep in mind that your self-esteem could distort your view a little.

I've given girls I find attractive compliments. Unfortunately at times they think I'm not being sincere and they say something to contradict my compliment.

And here I go again with my issue..... I find that a lot of the self-esteem issues come from girls thinking that all guys only want "hot girls" like actresses, models, etc. I'm being completely honest when I tell you that there are guys that aren't desperate and aren't just after sex that aren't chasing "hot girls" those women just aren't "real" (airbrushing, thick layers of makeup).

I'm not saying that those women aren't attractive, it's just that any smart guy will realize that it's all eye-candy. I'm usually interested in girls that wear very little makeup if any at all, dress nice but don't have to wear the latest designer everything blah blah blah.

There's been many times where I've thought a girl wasn't jaw dropping model looking, but was cute. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I've found her to be cute, talked to her, and THEN found her even more attractive because there were certain qualities about her that I liked. I don't want to say this because I don't want to sound crazy but....... If she's mentally stimulating then I find her VERY attractive, in my mind I then see what makes her unique and not "cookie cutter". BTW, mentally stimulating doesn't necessarily mean she is a super genius, I'm creative so what I mean by that is that I find her to be creative, inventive, look at things in a unique way, etc.

Another thing, don't ever listen to people who talk about "settle for"
the grass is always greener on the other side. How many times have you bought something new only to realize that the old one was the best?
Hell, look at the Hollywood actors that people love, how many of them move on to the next hot actor who comes along, and then the next, and the next... and so on and so forth. How many times can you "upgrade"? You would never be satisfied.
Find someone you really like, if it works go with it! There's nothing wrong with not searching and dating 400 guys to fin the right one. Number 12 could have been the perfect one for you but you went to 400 and now you can't get 12 because some other girl took him!

Just my thoughts!

Take care.

Sometimes girls have asked me out, but I've always said no because of my social anxiety which they were not aware of.

I just can't imagine ever having a girlfriend now. I'm 33.

I just can't imagine.

1. Having a first kiss - I have never kissed anyone so I'm going to make a bad impression
2. First time in bed - as above
3. Socialising with her - too hard. I get worn out with a 30 minute conversation. I can't be around someone for hours at a time.
Etc.

[Seshat]

RoamingMind: Thank you for your words. As of right now, the mere thought of searching for a guy makes me cringe and I think I'm better off that way. You said you like mentally stimulating girls. Well, I know if I were looking for someone I'd most definitely want a guy that's mentally stimulating... which is another reason why people think I'm weird. While I may have self-esteem issues, deep know I know I'm intelligent and well-read. However, a lot of people who say they value my intelligence think of intelligence of terms of getting good grades. Even though I do get good grades, I dread school and I always have ever since I was in kindergarten (the feeling of not belonging, some ridiculous rules, the boredom and of course the social anxiety "thingy"). I'm still in uni and, sadly, that means I'm surrounded by shallow people most of the time. I guess most guys won't go for a girl who wears sneakers and no make up. Why should I bother? It's too much trouble. I've got serious things to worry about. Finding a guy is not my ultimate mission in life or anything like that. There are so many things I wanna do and I'm not getting any younger. That's why I figured staying single is the way to go. As for being "pretty", it's not even important in the big scheme of things. I do make an effort to stay physically healthy, but that's about it. I'm not interested in trying to impress anyone. I don't think I'm pretty and I wish people noticed something else. On the other hand, I guess I'm a little angry at myself because I know I shouldn't care if they don't.

Illegal Toilet: I know where you're coming from. Sending good energies to you.

[sabby]

I don't think anyone should force themselves to do what "everyone" else thinks you should do. If you are comfortable being single, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

The fact that you are young and have a lot of life ahead of you can mean that what you think and feel now may change as you move through your life. Then again, it may not. One never knows what the future will hold. But I have never believed that one needs to be "defined" by being in a relationship with someone.

Do what you feel comfortable doing. Try not to worry about what other people think because truly, their opinion is just that, their opinion and it's okay they think as they do, but you are okay to think the way you do too!

Wishing you well,
sabby

[Scotty204]

You'll be alright, it's better to be single rather then being in an unhealthy relationship in my opinion. Sooner or later the "right" one will come along.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by Seshat

I've been single all of my life. I have a history of emotional wounds caused by "almost boyfriends". I guess it's my fault. I'm not good at choosing, and I may have been naive when I was younger and I'm not assertive enough. My T believes "young love" (T's words, not mine) doesn't work. Everytime said issue comes up, I end up thinking to myself "Thanks for the info, T ". LOL. I've been seriously thinking about staying single forever. I don't need a guy to take care of me and I sure as hell don't need/want the drama. People say being single is widely accepted nowadays. I beg to differ. It's not. I'm 22 (going on 23) and people think there's something wrong with me just because I'm not interested in dating. Not that I'm obsessing over what people think of me (although that's something I'm still working on), but I thought I'd mention it in order to describe the "scenario". The point is I'm sick of everyday people who don't understand me telling me stuff like "you're still young", "you will find someone else", "given the fact that you're a 20-something, you don't know a lot about life and you shouldn't complain". Are they feeling sorry for me? I guess they mean well and I guess I shouldn't get angry about it. It's just that I've realized they make me feel worse even if it is unintentional. I don't know. I see myself as a grumpy person and I figure I come off as ungrateful. I'm not ungrateful. I've always been shy, introverted and reserved and I don't see why people hate those things so much. Ever since I was a kid I've been told by my family (they're good people, they just don't get me most of the time) and society I shouldn't be like that because "it's not ok", "you need to have more friends", "you should enjoy yourself in social gatherings". I don't usually confide in others. Consequently, I don't see how people whom I don't even talk to about my problems can for one second think they know me. It's like people assume I lock myself in my room 24/7 or something. My T thinks I have self-esteem problems and I'm aware that's true for the most part, but I think it's not the only factor that determines my situation. People say I'm "pretty". I'm sure they say it just to be nice. Of course I say "thanks" whenever someone compliments me because I fully appreciate it, but lately I've been feeling as if I have to keep myself from laughing when people mention the word "pretty" in particular. I know this is not interesting or important but I needed to vent. Thanks.

People who tell you that you are young and you will find someone, those people are people who have lived life and have been your age at one point. Most likely this is the case...I am a totally different person at the age I am now (a woman doesn't share her age, even though I still get carded, I ain't given my age on here even though I'm not really old ) compared to when I was in my early twenties. Totally different person. With time and experience, I evolved. You will not stay the same. You see things now as they are, but your life and the person you are can and most likely will change. It's natural...It's a part of life...I mean, you are only what? 21? 22? and you're saying that you will never meet anyone? EVER?

You saying that you will stay single, that is coming from a difference place. Either depression or being upset about past failed relationships. What your doctor told you is true. My dad told me the same exact thing when I cried and cried and was depressed talking to him on the phone after a breakup. He told me that young people my age rarely find the person they are suppose to spend the rest of their life with. You were meeting young boys. BOYS. Who aren't or weren't ready for a relationship and were doing things that boys do...Boys aren't ready for love or a real relationship. I sit back and shake my head when I watch my niece running behind 19 and 20 year olds because I already know what they outcome will be. You cannot make boys that age settle down and most of the times make they have a relationship...Every single time I sit back and watch her chase after boys, it always turns out the way I expect it. Not that I wish her harm, I just know better because I have been there and lived it...

Now how you feel about yourself, that is something that you need to work on. Hearing the word, "Pretty" should not make you feel or react like that. You should think you are the flyest thing walking and no one can tell you otherwise...People, and men, can sense when women have low self-esteem and that can either turn out to be a turn off for them and they run the other direction, or they can try to use you. When I worked on my self-esteem and loved me some me, I cannot tell you how much of a difference that made in my life. Relationship wise and just in general.

Good luck!

[Seshat]

Thanks Irreplaceable. I'd rather stay safe and not change my mind about relationships. I'm not putting myself in situations where I might get to know a guy and develop feelings for him or anything like that. I've been working with that approach for months and I'm happier that way, However, I do see what you mean.

[lido78]

So, just one question...regardless of what others think, do you want to date and/or have a boyfriend? It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, you just need to determine exactly what you do want. And there is no judgement either way. If you do not want one, then that's fine...you may change your mind later on or you may not. If you do want one, then you might consider how you present yourself versus who you really are inside. If they match up and this is who you are then there really is not much to change unless you want to do so for yourself. If they do not match up, then you might want to consider some adjustments. For example, if you feel good on a paritcular day but everyone seems to think you're in a grumpy mood, then you might want to examine why they think what they think. No need to be fake or anything but if you feel good, then by all means show it and smile.

Do the things that you like to do and this will fill your time with interesting experiences. If you would like a boyfriend (I kind of think you really do but have just had a bad time of it so far), you're more likely to find one that matches up with you when you're out enjoying yourself (this does not mean bars/places to meet guys...just whatever activities makes you happy)....

[Seshat]

Thanks lido78. Your words are so uplifting. I'm having a hard time because people IRL don't understand. I've been thinking that dating or having a boyfriend will only worsen my emotional health problems and that's why I've discarded the idea. I'm enjoying my own company and just trying to be myself.

Originally Posted by Seshat

Thanks lido78. Your words are so uplifting. I'm having a hard time because people IRL don't understand. I've been thinking that dating or having a boyfriend will only worsen my emotional health problems and that's why I've discarded the idea. I'm enjoying my own company and just trying to be myself.

Go at your own pace...I am of the mindset, as well, that I'd rather be single and not dating, than dating or in a relationship that isn't a good one.

Especially when I am focusing on myself right now - and healing.

You are unique and special and lovely. You don't have to go with the crowd just to make other people happy. It's your comfort and happiness that matters.

[Seshat]

My thoughts exactly. Thanks