[Locust]

I am writing my father a letter today. I have not spoken to him in 14 years. I have written him letters countless times, but this is it. A man I know has contact with him, and he said he will stop by the house this evening to pick up the letter and take it to my father. I don't know what to say after all this time. I had written a 17 page letter, but I have decided not to send it because I found out my father is sick, and the letter I had written, though it had loving words, was also very harsh in some places. I don't want to bash him right now, not even to get these things off my chest. If he's really sick (don't know much about his condition), I just want to let that go for now. I do want to know WHY, though. Why did he cut off all contact? I thought maybe I shouldn't overload him right now with a 17 page document, and should just make it a simple page, maybe the back, too, at most. I am not sure if I should ask him why he did it in the letter or not. Part of me says to wait, he might want to see me or call me and we can talk about it. Part of me says if he knows I want to know why, he might not want to meet me or talk to me for fear of being hit with a hard question. However, part of me says he might never call or agree to meet, but might write me a letter, and if I don't ask him why in this letter, I might never get to hear the answer. What should I say to him, should I ask why, and should I include a photo of myself? Thanks.

[lynn P.]

I don't know your whole story- meaning I don't know if there's any abuse etc.
If I were you I would keep the letter short, simple and totally postitve. My father died when I was 2 from stomach cancer and I would truly give almost anything for a chance to have a father. I only remember him being taken by ambulance to the hospital, where as my 4 older siblings have clear positive memories. If he's sick, try to keep the past in the past, cause all we we have is this moment. I know your story is different but I encourage you to read a question in the Q&A section titled 'Meeting My Biological Father For The 1st Time' by 'dfisk'. She met her father for the 1st time last night. I know you have an actual history, but I don't want you and your dad to miss out. Try to understan he may be struggling with deep issues too ,as you are. Now's not the time to resolve your whole history. I hope this helps

[Locust]

Lynn, thanks for such a thoughtful and helpful response. I checked out the touching post you mentioned- I'm glad they had a good first meeting! I am sorry about your father. Cancer is common around here, unfortunately, and I lost my grandmother to it. We were really close. As for dads- I know it's hard not having a dad, sometimes. I know you must feel cheated, being the only sibling without memories of him. I was lucky in a way, because I did have a relationship with my father for several years of my childhood- a positive one, actually. But the fact that it was positive, also made his decision to abandon me more painful and confusing.

Thankfully, there wasn't any abuse. However, there has been some anger on my part, being so unceremoniously, finally, and abruptly dumped for a reason that I have yet to discern. My father and I were once very close, I thought we had a wonderful relationship, and that he loved me. As you can imagine, that made it confusing when, before I was a teenager, he cut off all contact with me and hasn't spoken to me or seen me since. There was never a goodbye, nor an explanation. And not having an explanation has been the most difficult part. I have wanted the answer to that question for years.

I think you had good advice when you said to "...keep the letter short, simple and totally postitve." I also agree I shouldn't rehash all of the past. My 17 page document tore the past apart, and I listed all my grievances. I have decided not to send that, in light of him not being in the best health. It doesn't seem as important now, to get everything off my chest. I think I can live with never telling him some of the things I've held in side. If he were in better health, I would want to say those things, but right now, it seems inappropriate and more destructive than anything. I am surprised that I feel able to let that go, but picking a fight with him does seem so trivial in light of everything.

I really want to know why, though. I think, if he died, and I never bawled him out or called him on every bad thing he did, I would be fine with not showing him that anger- in fact, if the only time I have to do it is when he's sick, I'd rather never do it. Yet, if he died, and I never knew why, I am afraid it will bother me throughout the rest of my life. My guess is, he didn't love me, he quit loving me, or he never loved me enough. Yet, the man I knew seemed to love me. I need to know if he left me because he didn't love me enough to keep our relationship going. I know I will ask him why, so that I don't have to live with the frustration I hold over this unanswered question now, for the rest of my life, knowing that he can no longer answer it. I just don't know whether I should put it in the letter, or hope that he will talk to me or see me, so I can ask him during our conversation. I will prob. try to put it nicely in the letter, in the least threatening way possible, and not put too much focus on it. Thanks for your advice! I will try to remember to post on here, about how it went.

[lynn P.]

Thank you for the reply and explaining everything. I think since you want to re-establish communication, you need to take this one step at a time. For example you want to open communication, so keep the initial contact warm and inviting -that's goal 1. Then once you've established communication and starting talking, you can look for an opening to finally discuss what you need for closure. There's an old fashioned saying "don't put the cart before the horse" lol. Best of luck and I hope it all works out for both of you

[kelliepggomez]

Any idea what was the outcome of the letter? I am writing a letter to my dad. He is also ill and has really never been in my life.