[beauflow]

trigger- suicide talk-and childhood abuse of sorts i guess.

I don't have anyone to talk to right now- so why not write here on pc right?.. suppose to be support.

the last few weeks, months, hell whatever- i have been up and down, torn apart, lots of triggers from my own life...

I was feeling ok-ish today- annoyed with mother's day weekend- it does seem like i am effected more on the damn make believe holiday then the people celebrating it- and whatever- rejection feeling from my significant other (we are working on this and getting better)... I was annoyed with feeling judge from my significant other's parents- but that is a usual thing and to be honest i think there is a tid bit there and not all in my head as I get told. Annoyed that once again the tags for the car which are over due from March has gotten put off again- annoyed with my supervisor calling me an embarrassment, ashamed, and stupid and bluntly put that I don't belong at my position of work (been there for 5 years) annoyed with things but whatever- at least I was able to sit down and make some of my jewelery that I do as a hobby/side business...

Then i get a call from my older brother - the only one i claim to own from my family- we have had our journey together but we still talk once in a while.. he tells me that over the weekend he tried to commit suicide and he just got out of their 42 hour watch and that he was sorry he could not call me to let me know, his phone was dead and they wouldn't let him call anyone. I also find out that he went back to jail a week or so ago but those charges got dropped... he says he is going in to get help; he is going to try to get assistants for his bipolar....

I don't know how to take this news-- i weeped for a few moments after the call and then just felt empty inside again.

I wish I could take away his pain, I wish our childhood was different- (personally with me that has been something that is popping up a lot here lately with myself and having trouble dealing with).. undoubtedly i have been distant due to I have not been feeling well in my noodle with things (i.e how to get the shame off with csa, physical abuse, neglect, mind games, etc. from my childhood and disconnecting from my parents and only talking to about half of my siblings in a blue moon).... I wish i had my stuff together better so I could help him.

I don't know what to do besides encourage him to get help as I have been these last two years or so- I don't know what to do... I can't hang out with him that often due to i get absorbed so much with him- if I am already heading down a dark path of my own- we both can pull each other down pretty badly since we are close, we do care, and we know what one another is talking about and the experiences.. he's the only siblings, my sisters and I don't even talk like him and I do.. we are similar in many ways but yet different...
I can't take much of being shot down on how I try to stay up as well- i.e. all we can do is try some times- some times this makes him upset and he will attack my belief system on it- which then can tare me apart.

The saddest part of this is that last week when i was talking to a friend about my brother, i said i worry about him- i worry a lot some times - i worry cuz i could see out of the 6 of us kids, he is the one that i worry i will get a call to come identify his body one day,... the worry is now a little more real...

i can't fix this but I can't leave it either.

i guess just getting stuff out- i wish i had answer, i know no one does.

[Leed]

Sweetie, you can't fix him. You're having enough trouble helping yourself. You BOTH need therapy, and badly. For YOU, you have to realize that you cannot control what HE does. You don't have that power, and worrying about him is only making you crazy. Worry does NOT change anything. It does no one any good. All it does is make you sick. What is the point of worry? Nothing.

Your brother is going to have to decide to take care of himself and get himself some help. HE has to do it. He CANNOT expect YOU to take care of him. And it's time that you put those bad memories to rest -- but you're going to have to have help with that -- a therapist can help you put closure on that. Those things have to be buried, never to surface again. They've GOT to quit hurting you!!

Please seek out a good therapist. It's crucial to your healing. It's not only about your past, but your present too. It sounds like people are walking all over you. Make the call today -- please. God bless and let us know how you're doing from time to time cause we all care. Hugs, Lee

[Christina86]

Your thread title... How am I supposed to take the news?

You take the news however you want. You can cry, get angry, feel badly... it's really up to you. There is no wrong way to grieve and feel hurt. I'm glad your brother is still alive. I'm glad you two have each other, it sounds like you have a good connection.

You are a very caring sister and all you can do is be there for him, I am sorry though must be very hard watching your brother go through all this when you have many problems of you own, My brother has mental health problems too so I know what it's like

[beauflow]

thanks all--

So i have been texting him this morning- i guess he does not have a valid id for some reason the cops took it- idk what went on, i just hope him well- told him to get an id and go again tomorrow after getting some rest- and he is going to see an older friend which I think is a good influence today as well....

I know I can't control what he does, and the worry makes me sick. and i myself need to put up boundaries but he is my brother, i see him try so much, he has a good heart just flaws and needs help with these flaws. i wish he could worth himself more than he does.

I think right now- with this i just will have to say- let's see what happens. I hate and feel horrible to say this- but if he does not get help- I can't put up with the drug life, with him being this way, and it is one reason why i distant myself so much.

I know I need therapy-

Leed- I know you have replied a lot on my things with my brother in the past (i am not sure if you remember but i do and thank you) . I am sorry it is an ongoing thing with me--- but yeah I tried the county therapist out and that did not work well with me- too much to explain and not enough room.. problem with me is I really disliked that the county just agreed with me on my dx that I brought to them- - after more reading and all- i think a more approraite would be complex ptsd for me- not so much on the bipolar side of things as they just put down- And yeah I want to see another Therapist don't get me wrong on that- but funds right now with doing that is not really in my cards and right now i refuse to go back to the county due to how that experience went-- Too many patients for so little staff- this lady could not remember issues of what I would bring up- she did not want to talk about issues with me that were seeded, and kept asking why I was in therapy but yet I had to be stable. And no i did not hold back information of what I can remember from childhood and my life-- i was honest with my drug abuse at one time, and then of quitting and just drinking once in a while, and one pdoc was like piss test her today! which is understandable but at the same time- insulting ---I cleaned up on my own due to the fall out with my brother and all. It was hard but I did it. It was more upsetting when I mentioned i had done meth that they were ready to give me anything they had that was their hardest- the first pdoc was straight up with that- I just don't want to pop pills and be like- everything is ok now i have m y pills- which is basically the impression i got, and when i went halves on their cocktail, it just made me worse- and when i said i wanted to quit what they gave me, due to what was going on- my t pushed my appt to monthly and I just quite due to I was not going to try something else with a month appt. I don't think that is very smart on their end... (there is more with the last appt with the therapist as well but this was one thing on top of the other stuff- i think i scared her in a way too- she said she internalized too much and the whole last few sessions I was getting worse with self harm and planning).

I am sorry- that is a ramble,... I understand that past and present go hand and hand- and just blah- too much to rewrite, dog, job, and just crap.

I talk to my boyfriend a lot on my issues- he is one good thing about this all even though he may intertwine with the issues. we try best to work on things together.

His family- I am not sure-- his sister right now- I just wish would give validation on the damn dog, as well as his mom- the other day what got me so annoyed was their mom stated: "well the dog was not that bad...."... i felt like saying a smart as remark as like- did you even every walk the dog? but i just said his aggression issues needed a specialist- and left it to that....

I was upset that I had to explain that the dog was gone as well- not my boyfriend; he came back and regurgitated what I said and then they magically understood!... whatever...

the worst part of this is-- I don't want to go back to their house this weekend- but have to due to it is my boyfriend's birthday weekend.

and work is work -- the supervisor is like this with everyone, just she can be soo freaking mean and direct this crap- And the select few like me and a few others, get it worse than others do- and it makes it hard to keep doing the job for she is so damn negative.. I need to find a new job anyways- I don't know why I stay- and according that last Therapist- I just needed to not take things so personally and to blow it off--- it is hard to do when it is so mean- she is telling me how I feel, and what I am, and she does it either constantly then stops, and then a blue moon comes around and she nip picks at everything.

sorry- rambling Beauflow--- and to be honest- YES I have learned in the five years to say f this and carry on and not make an email war of things as I used to all the time, I have gotten to the point to know her a bit better and know that she is projecting herself onto me/us others at work, with something that is going on and taking this small little thing she does not like (whether right or wrong) and blowing it up-- She needs therapy too! and a management class!

ok i think i am done with that--- I know Leed- therapy can do wonders, but I do believe that life experiences can do wonders too- and i get into another therapist that does not want to talk about things with me and just want to dope me up- well IDK if Therapy is for me then (just saying cuz i don't want to just be on pills-- I do beleive in ways I can control things with in me).

But thanks again - I hope this works well with my brother.. if it i does not I am sure at a nother point i will have a rant some where.