I have a DATE! Help with Self-Harm?

I don't know if this belongs in the self-harm or if it belongs in the relationships forums, but since it is more about a woman and a date, I thought it would more appropriate here.

Yes! I HAVE A DATE! The last date I had over a year ago she used me and took my money. When I told my best friend that I bought her a pregnancy test, which she used, on our first encounter, my best friend freaked! I thought that I was being a nice friend since I have more money, but I am told that, no, it was inappropriate.

This woman I seem to connect with online. She's 23 years old and is suffering from a muscle condition that will inevitably leave her immobile, but for now she is in a wheelchair and recently had a tube surgically put inside of her. Nevertheless, she is nice, she seems to like me, I like her, that's that. We connected on OkCupid.com, a dating website I am a moderator on, after I sent her a message.

But the concern I have is with the scars from self-harm all over my arms and legs – what do I do about those when we first meet, or do they matter at all? The scars are all so bad that I can't hide them and wear clothing I like. My options either are to use those long, wrap-around bandaid things that are clipped with a safety pin, which draws attention to me, or wear a jacket or a sweater and risk a heat stroke at 89˚F.

Advice? .

This is a hard one to answer but I am going to try, since I have been in this exact same situation.

If she genuinely wants to know you, she will not judge. I suggest that you do not bring the topic up on the first few dates. Get to know each other first. If she asks, be honest with her. Don't even try to lie. That will make things worse. We, women are really turned off by dishonesty.

Most people who have some kind of disability are very tolerant and accepting. My one and only friend has CP and he looked beyond my SI scars and quirkiness.

Don't go the tensor bandage route. That is conspicuous. Perhaps, you can wear a thin long sleeve shirt. There are many different styles and thicknesses. When in public, I wear long sleeved blouses or cotton/polyester shirts, even in 35 degree heat. No one asks, ever.

Hope that helps, at least a bit.
ADG

I agree about just wearing a long sleeved shirt V and not discussing it until you get to know her. And I am sure she is nervous about having a date with you, after all she has challenges as well.

But, this reminds me of an old boyfriend I had. I had dated him for a while and he was a real nice guy in to art like I was and went to the art school I wanted to go to.
Well, after we dated for a while he told me he needed to talk to me. He began to tell me that when he was in high school he was out with a friend who was high and ran a red light and rear ended someone. After the crash he went to get out and stepped out of the car and sliped and fell because the pavement was covered in gasoline that caught fire. He told me that a great amount of his body had been severely burned and that he spent a long time in the hospital and they didn't even know if he was going to survive. And then he wanted to show me his legs which were very badly scared. He never wore shorts because of his badly discolored and scared legs.

I kissed him and told him, it didn't matter to me at all, and I really meant it. We ended up parting ways but it had nothing to do with his scars. He met another girl and he had always had a crush on her and he just began dating her. I was just glad he was happy and we always remained friends.

So don't worry so much, you don't have to be perfect and this girl isn't perfect either. Enjoy her company and let her enjoy you too.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Hi my friend ~ First, congrats on the date! Second, don't lie about it. If she asks, just answer honestly.

If you want to hide them, do what was suggested, and wear a cool long sleeved shirt. That will cover them good enough. In time, you'll be able to tell her, when you feel more confortable with her. She'll certainly understand and will NOT judge you or be disgusted by it.

In the meantime, don't worry about it. Just have FUN and enjoy yourself. I'll be anxious to hear how the date goes!! Best of luck & God bless. Big hugs, Lee

I agree with what the others have said, wear things that cover your scars on the first date, might not work out for a second date. If things progress at some point she will ask about your scars, don't lie, but don't rush to tell her.

Is your SI under control?

Open Eyes, your story was incredibly sweet.

Mr. Venomous, the advice given here is excellent. Don't rush to tell her, but please, please don't try to dodge the truth or lie. That only hurts and fosters distrust for her.

Good luck on your date!

Congratz MV Please let us know how the date goes, I'm really glad you're trying to put yourself out there. And I agree with the advice above.