So my life pretty much revolves around my job. I work in healthcare, I go to school so that I can work in healthcare even more (though I'm not at the moment--it's summer) and I would say that, in a busy week, I can spend 60+ hours in a hospital. I see these people more than I see my bed, let alone my friends.

I've worked at my current job for 6 years, and I've had some very low points. I understand that I can be difficult; I'm anxious, paranoid about relationships, depressed sometimes, and I have a very difficult time trusting people, especially if they've done something to hurt me, and I tend to lash out when I feel threatened in these areas. You know how work places can be, someone is always talking some smack about someone, and there always has to be a scapegoat. I've been the scapegoat lots of times. I think they think it's easy. Or fun, who knows?

Well, things have been going really well, mood-wise, for the past year (I struggle with depression and then some GAD). I've been very stable with my meds, I like my PDOC and T, they were feeling I was stable. And so last fall I started trying to really make amends with my coworkers because I know that my defensiveness and paranoia played a part in the rift between all of us. I didn't expect us all to kiss, make up, and start braiding each other's hair every weekend. But I did expect us to start treating each other like human beings, especially after we all opened up at a party at one of my coworker's homes last month. After that, I felt great. I thought things were good, we would all be cool, I could approach them without being ignored and wouldn't feel talked down to when they approached me.

Wrong.

Now I'm pissed. I feel like I reached my hand out and got burned. I mean, is this payback? Are they trying to show me what a jerk I was by being nasty to me? Really? We're adults! I mean, if you want to talk about childishness, it even got to the point where I friended a few of them on FB (not really that big a deal to me, but I felt like it was an olive branch of sorts) and NOT ONE OF THEM accepted. One even said I was in "FB purgatory" with him, that he was still deciding, that I was really just a "frenemy," after all.

What's the point? Why forgive? Why reach out and try to be nice to people? I mean really, I want to know, what the heck is the point?? I can tell you this for dang sure: I will never make the mistake of opening myself up and attempting to "bridge the gap" again. Never ever again.

[shezbut]

((misskeena))

Sorry that you're having a tough time with your co-workers. That can be really horrible!! I've had a couple of jobs like that over the years.

I'm not sure if I've changed or if my perspective has changed over the years, but I spend my time focusing on the patients. They're the one's that I care about. My co-workers can be talking smack about me & I honestly don't care. What I do care about is that the elderly and disabled patients feel that they're being well taken care of by me.

I'm not an RN. I used to be a CNA, but my brain injury was making the job too difficult for me to keep up. I'm not a spring chicken either, so most of my co-workers were in their early 20's. Now, I'm a Feeding Assistant. I go into nursing homes and help feed those who can't (or won't) feed themselves. My experience as a CNA helps somewhat. But, the important part is that the residents are eating their meal and drinking well, to stay healthy and strong. Maybe a menial job to many. But, that's what I do. I enjoy helping the residents in any way that I can. Sitting and listening to them ~ holding their hand. Healthy patients is what's important IMO. I had the very same perspective as a CNA. Most of the RN's would talk about how they would want me to be their CNA if/when they came in.

So, when you're away from work, you can walk away from your co-workers too. Really, who cares what they think of you personally? What really matters is what the patient thinks ~ how quickly they feel better around you. That speaks millions!

Best wishes to you!

[roads]

I have in excess of a dozen coworkers in my area at my worksite, and none of them are really friends--not in any real sense. I think of that old saying: Business and friendship don't mix.

Building a good, strong friendship takes work. Business, if you take your commitment to it seriously, is difficult. Mixing aspects of a real friendship with issues that arise in the work place risk feelings being roughed up and business motives mixed with personal agendas.

I don't date coworkers, I seldom ever have a meal outside of work with one of them. I do my job and do my best to bring a good attitude to the workplace. I try to show respect where I can and to do no harm to those I work with--but I don't expect my coworkers to understand my personal needs.

In fact, I've gone out of my way to make sure that I never look for any sort of support at work, even indirectly. I never talk about myself in a personal way--my moods, family problems, health issues if I can avoid it. No one's business.

That's just me.

But I really would encourage you, misskeena, to follow shezbut's lead and focus less on your coworkers' opinions. Don't you think their own agendas, job issues, and insecurities will always interfere in what might obscurely be perceived as nominal "friendships" with them?

[Mike_J]

You forgive others as a starting point at forgiving youself, it dosn't matter if they forgive you as long as you forgive yourself.

I think that sometimes it's difficult to forgive yourself when others constantly remind you how crappy you are...