[HighlandLassie]

She has always disliked me. My big sister can do no wrong but i can never be good enough,even when i fulfill her every whim. She is horrible to me,putting me down,undermining me,dismissing any probs i have as just so unimportant. She is a narcissistic mother. But why do i have to be her pet hate? I am always kind to her.I give her no grounds to hate me.Yet she does.

[eskielover]

The reasons your mom is treating you bad HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU or how you act or what you do.

I know from my own experience, I went into my marriage not wanting to have children. I wasn't happy when I found myself pregnant even though I was married. I was in college working on my degree & had plans for a future career, not being a stay at home mom (the comment in my day was "being barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen"). I didn't have that instinct they say every woman has for having children.

However, I didn't believe in having an abortion either......I really loved my daughter.....& I never put my daughter down or undermined her. I always supported her even though my life didn't go the way I had originally planned.....but I still ended up graduating & having my career......but it was difficult.

I can only imagine how more horrible it could have been for my daughter if I had treated her the way your mother is treating you. Just guessing, but you were probably the unplanned child that really messed up plans that she might have had for her life after your older sister who might have been planned or more wanted in her life.

It doesn't make the way she's treating you right....there is nothing about what your mother is doing that is right......because as you try so hard to please her & continually feel rejected....it's a feeling you will probably end up keeping with you throughout your life unless you are able to come to terms with it & know that it's NOT about YOU.....but it's your mother's issues that are causing her to treat you the way she is treating you. It's not easy to find your self worth from within & not let what your mother is doing effect you.....but it's important that you understand that it is the issues (whatever they are) that your mother is dealing with in her own life that is causing the way she treats you & it's not what you are doing.

When I was growing up many many years ago, we had a neighbor family that had 2 boys.....the oldest was their fair hair boy.....their youngest couldn't do anything right in their eyes even though he excelled in school & was a wonderful boy (I grew up with them like my brothers since I was an only child). To this day, there is a complete broken relationship between the youngest & his family.

I know it's hard to tolerate parents when they are treating you horrible because it's like we are trapped in their prison......but one day you will be free to leave. If you can hold onto the knowledge that you are ok & your mother is the one with the issues in the way she's treating you & try to develop skills to get you through this without the emotional damage that this can cause, you will end up being much stronger & more able to handle difficult situations long into your adult life.

It's important to hold onto the knowledge that you can't make someone like you even if that someone is your parents.....the ones that are supposed to care & protect no matter what......some people all you can do is tolerate while you are forced to be around them & then in the long run if they come around & realize the bad way they were treating you & ask for forgiveness, & you know it's heart felt......you can then try letting the relationship heal.....otherwise....that distance is there because of the way they are treating you....not anything to do with how hard you have tried to be accepted by them.

Ugh, I hope this makes some kind of sense.....basically there is nothing you can do to change how your mother is treating you....what ever underlying issues she has is what's causing that & not you....it's changes she will have to make in her attitude & her life that will have to change before she will change & all you really can do is survive without allowing it to cause you to feel guilty for the way she's treating you & causing you to have a low self-esteem.

Sounds like someone you don't need in your life! I know how hard that would be. I feel like my mom is negativity that I don't need in my life, but at the same time, it's my mother and I love her. So I know it's not easy. I would suggest creating some distance though, even if you do want to keep her in your life and definitely some boundaries. Perhaps some counseling together to improve your relationship?? I know it's tough... Good luck to you, hun!

[Leed]

Sweetie ~ I understand, I really do. My oldest sister was my Mom's pet too. When she was born, she was "sickly" but she had an operation and was FINE -- but for the rest of her life my Mom treated her like she was made of china -- as tho she was the most fragile, precious thing on earth!! She was pampered, and adored. And naturally, she got all "A's" in school!! I had 2 other sisters too, and the rest of us were just "there" much like the furniture.

The oldest sister that was "adored" was also very EVIL, and she LOVED to get ME into trouble! Why she picked on me is beyond me -- she just didn't like me at ALL, so she'd devise these schemes to cause trouble, and then blame them on me -- and of course my parents believed her when she said that I did it -- and I would get punished! She did this until she left home at 19 -- I was only 12 when she left home. You have NO idea how deeply ingrained this resentment was, and still is.

She came home in 2003 when my Mother died -- by then she was 59 years old, and she started in AGAIN!!! She hadn't been home in years -- she lives across the country and wouldn't come home often. The minute she came home she started her old tricks -- making up 'schemes' and trying to get my sisters in on the act, but they saw thru it. She even tried to get my DAUGHTER involved -- but my daughter got MAD at her. LOL

It's a good thing she lives across the country because if I had to see her often, I think I'd probably kill her. LOL

Your relationship with your Mom is toxic, sweetie. It's best to keep your contact with her to a minimum. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. There are people in our lives who just aren't good for us, and sometimes it's our family, which is unfortunate. But we can't help that! It's NOTHING WE DID. So stay away as much as you can for your own good.

God bless you my friend. Take care. ((((hugs)))) Lee

[insideout]

Just because you are biologically related, doesn't mean you have to still have her be a major part of your life.
I think you should try to learn to set boundaries of what you will not tolerate from other people, including her, and learn how to detach in a way that is healthy for YOU.
You don't owe her anything. You are your own person and you own your life. Your mother has never owned you, and she still doesn't. When you learn to detach, her feelings/thoughts will no longer become your burdens.
Good luck.

[HighlandLassie]

Thanx to all who have posted in reply. I have distanced myself a bit since my suicide attempt because her selfish reaction sickened me.She was just annoyed that i wouldn't be about for her while i recovered.Her ONLY response was a selfish one.My sister is a *****. She knows about my attempt but she hasn't said a word.She has ignored me. They are dreadful people & i can't believe i'm related to them.xxx

[Harley47]

Lassie, I wanted to back up everything said in this topic...I don't think I can add anything that hasn't been said.

I cannot believe your mother reacted as she did to your attempt...how on earth could she be so callous?

If she truly behaves this way toward you, she isn't worth your time nor your worry. Try to get along to go along, but take solace in the fact that you will soon be able to be on your own.

Take care, and if you need to talk, my PM box is open.