[Random1984]

Hello everyone. My name is Megan, I am 18 years old, and I have just joined the Psych Central Forums. I am delighted to be included and able to post my feelings and thoughts.. I have many of them.

I have met an extraordinary, amazing, intricate, human being, name Kyle. Basically, it was "love at first sight" and we instantly were drawn to each other before the moment we exchanged words. He's someone I would call beautiful and I don't give that compliment out often, however, I am in a quandary. He wants to be with me, but I have not had a stable relationship, ever, as of this moment. I tend to get involved with other complex people like myself and we just end up wearing each other down. I really do blame myself for this because I am an extremely detached person in a relationship at times. I have amazing friends, who love me dearly and I feel the same, but in an actual romantic relationship I become detached, unstable, reckless, fearful, basically borderline psychotic. They get so tired of me and can never understand, so they give up or are forced to. I end up pushing them so far away.. and sometimes they will begin to cling and that causes me to hurt them. However, I have shown Kyle emotion that was initiated by my own will and wanted to share with him. He's handled it so well and is extremely grateful to talk/be with me. He really does appreciate me as a person. I go from hot to cold. I don't know what to do, I told him I want to be an amazing person to him, which I know I am capable of. Getting to that point that is the hardest tasks to complete. At some point, I begin to feel as though I am losing it. I am so fearful that I will lose control and that also causes me to self-mutilate. I begin to blame myself; I am unlovable, self-centered, sick, unstable, apathetic, etc. I have dealt with this issue for years of my life and I am now extremely hesitant about this whole relationship thing if that will reoccur. It's a 50/50 chance at this point. The part that weighs down on my shoulders is knowing that I may have to be intimate with him, I mean, it’s only natural when wanting to be with another to show affection? He is willing to wait as long as I want. He's letting me take the reigns on this one. I feel in a relationship I become so apathetic, I lose my vibrance that I have when I am alone. I had strong feelings for him and then they left, but yet, I feel so close to him right now. This cycle is something I am used to, it happens very often with each individual I attempt anything with. It’s just all of a sudden I become a stoic again. There are so many beautiful feelings inside of myself that I desire to share with him.. But I get so lost within them, confused, and I just want to tell him to forget about me. I’m so afraid to hurt him now =( I don’t want to keep dragging this out and I'm trying so hard not to lose it while keeping him close to me. I am so lost.

I keep telling myself "this one will be different, you'll make it through, there's nothing to fear.." yeah, and here I am once again.

[adeline]

Hi Megan,

I think everyone naturally has a fear of abandonment, but to varying degrees; also, different people have different ways of coping with the fear, some more degenerative than others.

It sounds like you "involuntarily" (i.e. because of subconscious drives) withdraw from relationships to avoid being abandoned. Ironically, it seems to me that the cycle of withdrawal that you're afraid to go through is a control mechanism for you (even though you feel controlled by it). Perhaps you could replace this cycle with something else that made you feel in control of the relationship -- maybe feeling more accepted/understood, particularly for your weaknesses. For me, feeling like I am accepted unconditionally (and being recognized in my faults) is really important for me to feel secure in the relationship, and not withdraw or hurt the other person. A good therapist could help you work through the roots of your fears and beliefs, and give you some techniques to try with a dating partner.

Then again, it may also be better for you to not be in a relationship right now, and to completely focus on working out your relationship issues. Or maybe try to keep things light with Kyle, like by getting to know each other thoroughly before moving ahead. Maybe that could make you feel more comfortable with him, and trust him more?

Also, on the bright side the boys that you've dated in the past will probably be the youngest you will ever date, so you'll have the added relationship benefit of more mature guys. Which means they'll be more likely to try to understand all of you, even your complexities.

Jessie