Need Advice

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married and having a family, and he is probably going to be moving in with me soon. The problem is his mother. She's having a hard time letting go of him (he's 36 & still lives with her). When she calls him at my apt., we don't pick up the phone. We listen to the message right away, and if it is her, he calls her within 5 minutes. I have this as a phone policy because no one I know likes to talk to me for less than 1.5 hours, and I like to get all my work done (I'm a teacher) before I talk to friends/family (I'm more relaxed that way). She doesn't like my policy. Unfortunately, I think I have the right to run things the way I see fit since it is my home. This morning she called at 9 am, when we were both still sleeping. We got up at 10:30 to get two messages from her. In the second message she was yelling and called my boyfriend lazy and a liar. I told my boyfriend that was an unacceptable way to be treated, and he had the right to tell her not to treat him that way. He just said, "That's just her way." I'll tell you something-- that is NOT my way & I will not let my children be exposed to that. I'd like to ask my boyfriend if he'd agree when we had kids to not let them be around her unless one of us is there, too. Any feedback? Do you think it's a reasonable request? Do you think it's important to clarify this before we get married? This interaction left me very angry. I also feel badly he has to be exposed to that crap.

When you marry someone, his or her family comes along as part of the package, and whatever family dynamic has been established. Things like your call screening policy you need to work out with your boyfriend, and as long as the two of you agree, it is up to him to deal with any fallout with his mother. You said that you have a right to have things your way in your home, but if he moves in, it will be his home, too, and you do need to make sure that he is comfortable with any rules you may have.

As far as children, that is absolutely something you need to discuss with him before you get married. But I would advise against making rules that are too stringent at this stage, like saying she could never be around your children. After all, you do not know how she would act around her grandchildren. My mother said some horrible, hateful things to my one brother's fiancee before they were married (she disapproved of the marriage), but my sister-in-law always treated my mother with respect, and she has since changed her mind. But if my sister-in-law had cut my brother and their children off from her, it would only have reinforced her feelings that the marriage was a bad one.

In-laws can be a burden, and you should do what you can to protect yourself from being hurt by them, but in the end, your boyfriend must be happy with whatever limits are set, since it is his family.