[phyllis]

My parents split up and divorced about 15 years ago - when I was about 10 - and my dad left the area and I havn't seen him since. That is not a problem as I had no relationship with him and he has since died. However, as soon as my dad left my mum started drinking heavily and smoking cannabis, taking harder drugs (in between periods of working and some normality) and had a couple of boyfriends who lived with us (I have one brother) and they used to fight when they were both drunk (it was a 2 sided thing - not violence against just one person). The police were called to our house on over 100 occasions and eventually my brother and I were taken into care but luckily were sent to live with my nan and uncle. That was fantastic as my nan is wonderful and although my uncle isnt perfect, and never wanted any kids of his own, he took us on and has been fantastic with us - I really cant complain. However, my mum maid hundreds of abusive phone calls to my nans hous, visiting on several occasions and physically fighting with my uncle, screaming and shouting at everyone and has been arrested on numerous occasions. I have always had a decent relationship with my mum (but not really a mother-daughter relationship) and eventually I agreed that I would try to go back and live with her. That only lasted a couple of months - I would get home from school to find that she was down the pub and she would come home drunk at 9 or 10pm - and call me all the names under the sun and go nuts because I hadn't done the washing up. Anyway, surprise, surprise, I went back to live with my nan.

I finished school and graduated from university and I am now married (she didnt turn up to my wedding) and have my own house. However, my mum was evicted from her council house around 2 years ago and has had a flat but is now living in a homeless hostel. I did have her to live with us on the agreement that she didnt drink any alcohol but she got extremely drunk / stoned and I cannot repeat the things she called my husband - from out on the street as we wouldnt let her back in the house as I know that she would have attacked one of us. She has been in the hostel for 6 months now and has made no effort to find a new flat. She also had ALL of her belonging stolen when she had a flat share for a short time.

The rest of my family (including my brother and my nan - her mum) no longer have any patience with her. She has told so many lies, upset so may people, threatened suicide, emotionally blackmailed people and told everyone that she hates them so many times. I also know that my husband also cannot stand her. I am the only person that until now, has stood by her and I continue to help her the best that I can. But her not coming to my wedding, after we had gone shopping together a couple of days before, really convinced me that she does not care for me as a mother should.

I can't explain here everything that she has done but this has carried on for the past 15 years and I am at the end of my teather now. She says she loves me with all her heart but I dont think that she knows the meaning of the word. I dont know what to say or think anymore, she is at rock bottom and I dont know how or if I can help her. I also dont know if there is any point. I often think that given her lifestyle, she will be dead soon - and that is the only time I will have any peace.

Amy advice on this would be hugely appreciated. (Sorry I have rambled for so long!)

[praxis]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a very painful situation for everyone involved. Yor mother probably means it when she says she loves you, but is too messed up to truly understand what that means or act apropriately.

You have done everything you can to support your mum and she has not been ready to accept that support. You owe her nothing more- she is responsible for her own life. Until she is ready to take that responsibility, the relationship will remain toxic for you. If you are not comfortable cutting her out of your life entirely, you might try limiting contact to sending a card on her birthday and holidays. This leaves the door open to a future relationship with her if she decides to make some changes in her life.

I hope it works out between you and your mum. Regardless of how it turns out, you will find supportive people here who can relate to yor problems. Welcome.

[Lexicon78]

(((((phyllis)))))

It sounds like your mom doesn't want to get better. It must be so hard for you to have gone through all this with your mom and are faced with all these worries about her. But the fact of the matter is you can't make her do anything...she has to want it and has to do it herself.

I'm sorry that I can't be more positive about the situation, but please don't give up hope. Sometimes it takes quite a bit for someone to realize that they must change. Until your mom reaches that point she will continue on like this.

Many warm blessings.

[phyllis]

Thankyou both for your kind words praxis and lexicon78. I know that nothing will change until she really wants to change things and that is one reason that I am struggling to cope, I have absolutely no control over the situation and it is eating away at me all the time. The rest of the family have given up hope, as she has basically been like this for 35 years - although it is continually getting worse. I think that part of me feels that she cant really be as bad as this 100%.

[SeptemberMorn]

Phyllis, have you given any thought to doing an intervention with the family members that would agree to it? It would end up by her being taken to a rehab place to clean/dry her up. It might be a good, last ditch effort so that you can at least have a clear conscience and her out of your lives for a while.

Just a thought. Good luck!

[phyllis]

What does that process involve? The thing is, I really dont think she's an alcoholic. I think that she tends to drink only a couple of times a week, its just that she gets in so much of a mess when she does. I have heard from a friend of hers, and think so myself, that she is addicted to codeine tablets - but I know that her doctor keeps giving her prescriptions for them (as well as antidepressants / sleeping tablets etc) and I really dont know why she needs the codeine - she has nothing physical wrong with her. And she only takes the anti depressants when she thinks she needs to and that gets her in a mess as well. She has been taking anidepressants for 15 years and things are continuing to get worse. The thing is, she is a very intelligent woman, a trained counsellor and has worked alongside the people who are now supposed to be helping her. She has convinced herself, and succeeded in convincing everyone else, that everything which has happened is my nan's fault and that she is hard done by. She cannot see the truth in anything!

[SeptemberMorn]

Everything you've said is proof that she needs an intervention. A person is an adict when their drug(s) of choice interferes with their life.

Her mother isn't the one that is shoving pills and alcohol down her throat. She's doing it herself which means that she's not taking responsibility for her actions. The way she's taking anti-depressants is wrong if she is looking to stabilize her life. She's abusing those medications.

An intervention won't only put her in a hospital to clean out. She'll also have to have therapy where she'll be taught how to deal with her mother and all her other problems without abusing chemicals.

[phyllis]

is an intervention getting her sectioned and treated against her will? in the UK I dont think we dont have intervention. she has continually phoning my nan, saying nothing and hanging up or verbally abusing her. my nan is 85 and she is reducing her to tears, making false allegations and saying nan is her mother and should be nicer to her.

[eskielover]

phyllis,

It is a hard place to be in when our Mother who is supposed to be our care person ends up in the child position with us having to do all the caring for them.

It is sad that she reacted to the divorce the way she did......but maybe your father knew something that you didn't & that may be why he left. The one thing I have learned over my 53 years of life is that all of our choices & everything we do has it's consequences in the long run. Her choice to turn to drinking & drugs was a poor choice. It sounds like she is deep into her addiction & at this point, getting out of her addiction is something that she has to want to quit before she will every be successful at getting help & having any kind of relationship with anyone.

It isn't up to you to fix her....You can't!!!.....If it were me, I would have just enough contact to know if she ever puts in the effort to change her life....not just saying that she will. Then & only then would I let her back into any part of my life, & I would only let her in a little part at a time.

You have a successful marriage.....I wouldn't let anyone, not even my Mother, be in a position to have any negative effect on a successful marriage. It is important for you to protect the life you have.

I know that it is easy to get trapped into feeling sorry for someone like that....especially family, but it was her selfish choice to end up like she did.....& change won't happen if she doesn't want it to. Not being familiar with the UK systems for treating people with those problems, it is hard to suggest any treatment options, but on the family front....it is important for you not to feel any guilt for or responsible for where your mother is. You didn't make her choices for her....she did.

I have realized over my life time that people are not entitled to anything more than what they are willing to give. This may be selfish thinking, but I have found that it protects me from feeling guilty most of the time. It sounds like she is getting worse & not better....& I am hoping that her mother (your nan) won't cave into her pressures of trying to make them feel guilty for not being nice to her. It is sad when people expect others to be nice to them when they aren't nice to others.

Take care of yourself & your family & leave the caring for your mother to the point where she is entitled to it. I know this sounds tough... & tough love is hard to implement....but is usually necessary to protect your future life.

Debbie