Need Advice on Interacting with Housemate

Hi All,

I'd appreciate two things from y'all:
1. Help me understand the dynamics of my interactions with my new housemate, and
2. Help me understand what to do

This is long so I apologize in advance. I couldn't make it any shorter. I tried. Maybe I'm OCD along with everything else...

My housemate, Roger (not his real name) moved in a month ago. He's about my age (I'm 59), divorced as I am, and has two kids who live with his ex, their mother, who are 17 and 18. He has what seems to be a very negative relationship with his ex (I've listened for hours and assure you I know nearly everything about Roger, though he knows very little about me cause there's just not enough time in the day...haha).

Roger offers to do nice things but later on either expresses dissatisfaction with having done so or seems to want excessive praise for it. I don't know how to react. It's to the point that I don't want him to be here.

Some examples:
1. Roger offered to watch my dogs while I helped my daughter and son-in-law with their 21-month-old and newborn. I thought I'd be gone 1-2 days, but they needed my help longer and of course, I was thrilled to help. I called Roger daily to be sure it was OK to extend my visit and he was supportive, saying, Of course, that's where you should be, it's fine here, etc. I stayed for 6 days and after I returned, he kept bringing up what a hassle it was. Suddenly I felt like I had abused his kindness, which puts a damper on my sense of happiness about my visit.

2. Once while I was away I texted Roger this: "I really appreciate this and I promise I'll make it up to you." I was thinking a nice bottle of wine, but when I returned he kept reminding me of how much money I saved by not having to board my 3 dogs and wanting to know what I was gonna do for him. It was clear that he was seeking financial compensation, like I should reduce his June rent, even though he lived here for two weeks in May during which time he paid -0- and I provided all the groceries he ate. He further complained that I didn't seem grateful enough, like I didn't say thank you enough times, which is odd because I was grateful and made a point of telling him how much I appreciated his support on every phone call we had.

As an aside, Roger pays $600 a month and for a furnished bedroom, private bathroom, groceries and all utilities. This house has a pool and hot tub and sits on 5 acres, ie, he isn't living in a dump. He doesn't cook, doesn't run the vacuum or help clean the house although he will take the trash out (and make sure he tells me he did so I can give him a gold star--or something--?) Plus, I cook dinner every evening, so I figure he's got a pretty good deal. Apparently I am "off" on that too.

3. I have no car. Roger offered to let me use his car if I replaced the gas I used. I offered to pay double the gas to compensate for wear/tear, but he refused that offer. I have used his car 6 times in 4 weeks, all but two were for groceries (which he also eats). Today on the way to Home Depot (he said he had to go out for something at CVS so we went together) he said he was in a rush and hoped I had a short list. I said there were things I needed to get because friends were visiting this weekend. He gives this dismayed "sigh" sound and then says, "I really didn't think you'd want to use my car so much."

I had no idea how to respond to that other than to say I'd shop as quickly as possible and that he could drop me off and go to CVS to avoid waiting for me.

It seems like he says yes to things then is pissed that he said yes and "takes it out" on me with attitude.

4. When I walked past the laundry room yesterday, Roger told me he was surprised that his (12 oz) bottle of Purex detergent was nearly empty. Apparently my son, home from college over the summer, used Roger's detergent. There was no prior convo with Roger that we were not to use it. Roger's "amazement" was not a funny "wow, look how fast that went" but more like "wow, look how fast that went and I didn't even get to use any of it," like we were taking advantage of him by using his soap even though there were two other detergents available that I had purchased. I think it is weird to go on and on (5 minutes of this) about soap. I bought him another bottle at the store yesterday and labeled it "Roger's Only" so I don't have to hear this again.

5. Roger criticizes many of my choices, telling me I'm spoiling Mike, that Mike isn't smart enough to be a doctor (Mike probably isn't bright enough to get into med school but I think that's for MIKE to figure out, not Roger), that I should shop at a cheaper store, etc. Like he'll pull something from the frig and do this fake "fainting" thing cause I paid $4 for a pound container of health slaw, that kind of thing. WTF is that about?

Bottom line, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. He's snappy when I do anything that upsets him (and it seems lots of things do) but conversely, if I try to request a different behavior (like please remember to put the lid down and flush the toilet when you pee in it) he justifies his behavior for a good 5 minutes, and loudly. He also constantly interrupts me, which I find rude.

Surrounding this is the likelihood (not certain yet) that I might be Borderline Personality as well as Manic Depressive.

SO, is it me? Is it him? What ARE the dynamics going on here and what is the healthiest way for me to handle this? I'm thinking of terminating this housemate situation. To be honest, I can't take much more of this guy. However, I have ruined other relationships in the past, either because of my mental issues or because my mental issues influence the choice of people I choose to interact with (or both). Damn, it's confusing being nuts, isn't it????

Appreciate your comments and apologize for such a long post.

Anne

hi Anne welcome to pc

maybe it's just me but as he readily agrees to things and then makes a big deal of it afterwards, i don't think you have any problem with interaction/communication etc, i think he does.

sorry but all i can say is get a different roomie.

sure someone will be along with better advise soon, take care.

I havent read your whole post yet but wanted to let you know we cant explain what the dynamics are between you and your housemate and we cant tell you what to do. only you know the dynamics (how, and why, what the problems are, where the problems stem from..) are between you and your housematte, and only you know what you want / can/ need to do about you and your housemates problems..

I do have a suggestion// contact a treatment provider in your location..they can help you dig into how you think, help you take care of interpersonal skills type stuff so that at least you have some ways that will help you. you might also check with any colleges near you. colleges /universities are always offering interpersonal relationship classes. they would be listed under the psychology courses.

you can also approach your housemate with an invitation to attending some therapy sessions with you once you get set up with a mental health treatment provider.

Hi Anne ~ This guy has it TOO GOOD! He's a pain in the you-know-what and I think you should ask him to leave! How dare him act like that when he has it so good! Where ELSE is he going to find a place like that with all the amenities he has, and get dinner cooked for him, etc., but he STILL crabs about stuff??? What a dope. Nothing is going to please that jerk -- throw him out.

There is nothing wrong with YOU. Just tell him that 'things aren't working out' and you've decided you don't want a housemate.' You can always get another if you want. Why not do it on a week to week basis, so you don't run into this trouble again? You'll only have to put up with someone for a week IF he's a jerk and then you can kick him out. LOL

I'm sorry you got saddled with this idiot. He doesn't know when he's got it good. I hope you don't have any trouble getting him out! Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Amanda, do you know that old saying, "Can't see the forest for the trees?" Those not involved in a situation can sometimes understand the dynamics of what's happening and, therefore, make suggestions, simply because they aren't involved. I'm asking for advice, so I'd like to get as many responses as possible to assist me in making a wise decision, since I have a tendency to (A) overreact and (B) make decisions too quickly only to find out later that I should've cooled my jets and not been so rash. Perhaps I wasn't clear on what I'd like responders to do: I'm not asking others to diagnose Roger or me. I'm asking for their opinions.

Others can give their insights and can make suggestions about optional actions to take, if they wish to and if the poster asks them to, which I did. If you read other posts, I'm sure you see that people on these forums do that all the time.

Your statement that others "can't" do this may suggest to potential responders to my query that sharing their ideas goes against the policies of the forum, which is not the case.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Anne

Carrie Ann and Leed, thanks for responding. Obviously, I'm seeing it the same way, but as mentioned in my post to Amanda, I'm often (A) overly critical, (B) rash and (C) fail to see my part in things, so it's helpful to get insights from others. I'm sure there are occasions in my interactions with Roger in which I'm the inappropriate person. The biggest thing is that I don't quite know how to respond when he says weird stuff to me. Perhaps I should learn to just let it roll off my back like water off a duck?

But yeah, he needs to find somewhere to live where his housemate(s) either doesn't object to his style or can ignore the barbs.

Thanks again,
Anne

Hi!

I am sorry to say , but get rid of him before he
- has spent ALL your money (and savings, if you have them)
- makes you crazy -> more money on doctors and meds for YOU

I was once married to a person like this: after first six months I realized my mistake, but it took 3 years to get the divorce (<- my depression and the stupid tought to 'make this work')
The last year we didn't actually speak and I worked 7 am - 8pm and went straight to gym to to wait him to leave to work as a bartender from 11pm to 4 am. We communicate finally by post-it notes... four years spent with a scumbag - but I fell in love with love (my previous fiance died in a car crash 6 months before wedding -> i wasn't in stable mood in those years)
Take care of YOURself !!

Kaisa

ps: now I am living in partnership "alone together" - for financial reasons (I've been dropped to retirement due the major depression)
Today I went to a pharmacy 135€ ~170$.... my both credit and debit cards were rejected...i forgot I had paid a doc's bill of 130 €...
You can guess my feeelings at the counter...surprise - shame - and plain being pissed off.
Luckily my hubby agreed to transfer some money by netbank to my account (not happy and let it be heard - did really help my feelings...), so finally I got my new meds! (the doctor is on work only next week before 5 week summer leave - so I need to test those meds before midsummer)

- sorry this answer is too long and got lost from the topic

Roger sounds like he's got this childish sense of entitlement in his head and he's using whatever reason he can find to attempt to pull the weight of things into his favor. I think he's playing a petty game of manipulation to convince you that you owe him.

I say this because this guy sounds a lot like my Dad -- he will simply look for any infraction to accuse someone of. One of the dumbest has been his obsession with having the toilet roll on the toilet dispenser, and, if it was not there, he would have me and my siblings take turns putting a new roll on the dispenser just to prove his point. He has kicked my brothers out of the house, and he's just threatened to kick me out if I don't get a job by next week (although I am a college student with no debt and work a job when I'm on campus.) He gets angry if someone isn't ready to leave the house when he wants to, if someone puts silverware in the wrong side of the sink, if someone accidentally opens a second gallon of milk, if the remote is not on the coffee table, etc etc....

All of these are perfectly reasonable things to ask of other people, but he's not demanding them for the sake of solving basic inconveniences, he's doing it so that he's heard, listened to, and obeyed. He just wants to act like he's the only one who does anything and that everyone else ruins his life with their ingratitude and irresponsibility.

I don't know if you were planning on having a relationship with Roger, but, from the sound of it, nothing about your state of mind has any relevance with this guys behavior. The fact that you are willing to evaluate your own actions as you are observing his shows that you are leagues ahead of Roger on the maturity scale.

((wagneriansinger))),

I think you have a very negetive man living in your house. No wonder why he is divorced. He sounds like an unhappy man and if he is not happy then no one should be happy.

I agree with Leed. I would not want someone so negetive like that to be around me.
Surely you can replace him with someone nicer.

Good Luck,
Open Eyes

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts! Some of your statements hit the nail right on the head,like the comment about the remote, the extra opened milk, that kinda stuff? That's him to a T.

I'm sure I play into this, so any thoughts about how I should respond to him when he does this stuff? I'd ignore it but he'll keep talking about the same thing (the remote, the milk, etc). I wanna just tell him to shove it, cause over-reacting is a problem I have, but not only will that feed the negativity it'll feed my soul in a negative way too.

How's this response, in a kind voice with a concerned looking face: "Roger, it sounds like you're upset by that," and then I smile and leave the area so I don't have to hear him keep going on about it. Sound reasonable to you all?

Thanks again so much!

Anne

Odee, Roger is your father's brother-by-another-mother...

Hi, Anne, I kept thinking about how it appears you have gotten yourself a spouse without the benefit of marriage I cannot imagine how your situation works with Roger, it seems too free-flowing to me, with you doing some of "taking care of" him (buying his food, making him dinner) but not other things (his laundry). It does not sound like there is a written agreement about what is included, what is not, how you all will interact at all. The situation sounds unclear to me in the almost, is he a tenant or is he a house guest sense.

If you think Roger is a lousy husband/has had a lousy relationship with a woman he's in the throes of, the situation where you let him talk to you and say what he says and comment on your life, as he does (who asked his opinion about your son's schooling?) is not going to work well for him or you, I don't think. He obviously has never learned about boundaries and good communication skills and you do not appear to have set any boundaries or to be communicating with him about his words or actions. I do not think you are over-reacting but I also do not see any way that how you communicate or choose roommates is going to work?

Unless you luck out and find some timid little someone who keeps to themselves and does not have a self or who can read your mind, and know what you want and expect, I think there is going to be problems with your open-ended seeming rental situation. There appears to be a lot of generosity on your part but hidden expectations and a lot of expectations on his part because of your generosity and then surprise when things are not so generous or have strings attached.

I think you need to get to know someone well before you can call someone dependent on you for room and board and say, "I hope you don't mind watching my dogs longer than we agreed on"; how can he say, "No" without looking bad and having you angry and upset with him? He has to revert to passive-aggressive behavior after the fact, indirectly say, "hey, I agreed to $600, not taking care of your dogs". You all do not know one another at all yet. You have to say I have X, Y, and Z to offer and I want A, B, and C in return and not ask for more or agree to receive less.

What you are dealing with is a man that luxuriates in feeling unappreciated. He is the type of person that no matter WHAT YOU DO OR SAY, his response will be that of expressing his feelings of being unappreciated.

He trys to give and share of himself, however over the years he has become an angry man and trained to feel unappreciated. He is like a pit of gloom that takes everything others say into that pit of gloom and anger and sense of not feeling appreciated no matter what. You could stand on your head and sing praises of him all day long, and the only thing he will do is drag it all into his pit of gloom and anger.

The only thing you can say is "Roger, I am sorry that you always feel so unappreciated". And leave it at that.

Open Eyes

Hi Anne,

This sounds like a really frustrating situation, and I commend you for trying to make sense of it and work through it.

While I do agree that no relationship can really so sour because of one person alone, I think often in a relationship, one person is making an effort and the other either doesn't realise it or just kind of hangs on for the ride. It is difficult to understand the nuances of things online, but one way or another, it sounds like the two of you are a bad fit.

The most important thing about a house that you live in is that it should be welcoming and comfortable. I find that's really important for healing and getting better. So if living with this man makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells and you're uncomfortable, it is perfectly okay to ask him to leave.

I'm wondering, however, if in posting here you were hoping for strategies for connection with your roommate? I'm a little unclear about the intention - is it to connect with him or to have a peaceful home? Or both?

Hoping this works out,
Bean

Hi Bean,

Yes, any strategies would be appreciated.

I have given him notice but I still need to be able to have some peace in my home until he is no longer in it.

I cannot change him, so I must change my reactions so I don't end up seething and therefore filled with tension and anger. Problem is, I don't quite know how to do that.

Anne

How much longer do you have to put up with him? I hope it's not TOO long.

If he keeps harping on so many little things, I think I'd say something like, "Roger, you're living in MY home, and this is how I prefer to live. If these things upset you so, why don't YOU change them and stop harping on them?" I'm tired of hearing about it.

And leave the room. This puts it back at him. And it gives you some relief from the anger & stress. Then just try to avoid him so you don't have to listen to his nonsense. Sure, it might be hard since you're in the same house, but do the best you can. Just keep telling him "You don't want to hear it." It's your right - you don't have to listen to constant badgering -- which that's what this is.

Anyone would have had enough of this by now. I applaud you for being as NICE as you have been. I think I would have bodily thrown this jerk out by now! LOL He's a "user" and a big baby. Take care of YOU. Enough is enough, Anne. God bless. Hugs, Lee

by the sounds of it, he is behaving like a spoilt child who has grown up into a controlling adult and he has no awareness of it. while you are aware of your problems and trying to deal with them.
so, my advice is that you should get him out of your house and life, and that next time you look for a house mate, you take the time to meet them first at length, maybe more than once, so that you can have a better idea of who is moving into your own space. also, make it clear with yourself and with them what you expect from them and what you give in return. they don't need to be stiff, written down rules, but a clear exchange system helps, it helps smooth life in common.
a housemate can become a very good friend, but should not be a surrogate partner

Heya!

I do think that he has it too good, and perhaps he needs reminding sometimes? I wonder if he thanks you over and over again when you cook for him etc, like he expects from you when you look after the dogs or borrow the car?

If he complains over the car, then perhaps you should just calmly tell him that you are also buying food for him too, and if its too much trouble, perhaps he would like to get his own shopping and cook for himself? No need to be rude, but hopefully he'd get the hint that its not just him that helps out and perhaps set clear boundaries?

I must say, it sounds like you've taken of the role of a new wife, but without any of the good bits and just all the humdrum of day to day chores. You dont say if this is your house and you are renting a room? If so, I'd perhaps give him a little longer, and then maybe give him notice to move out?
You shouldnt feel uncomfortable in your home, not have to ask folk here on how to respond to him, you just shouldnt have to respond to someone like this - he's taking the mickey somewhat.

Sorry, I missed the part over you've already given him notice.. and some other stuff - I didnt realise there were two pages! I really should pay more attention, and apologies for repeating what others have said. "-)

Reading your initial post.....my first thought was......"no wonder he's divorced" & you are a female.....by your signature Anne, so no wonder he doesn't treat you any different than he probably treated his wife.

Definitely better off not getting into the guy roommate situations again IMO.

How to put up with it until he's finally out of there......tolerance & looking the other way since there is an ending date when he's going to be "outta there" is about the only thing I can truly suggest because there's no way things are going to be any different........radical acceptance knowing that you don't have to accept this much longer & you will be free.....at least you don't have to go through a divorce to get rid of him.

Thanks to all of you for your kindness in reading my post and helping me out.

Thanks to the input of all of you, I believe I need to do the following:

1. Not take a straight man as a housemate again since I'm a woman and he will likely wish to treat me in the same way that ruined his marriage;
2. Take more time choosing someone before making it permanent like maybe they visit for a weekend (?);
3. Sit down together before we agree to live together to the "rules of the house," like food, chores, etc;
4. Anything I'm missing?

Thanks again!
Anne

Just because you have 1 bad experience with a male, it doesn't mean all male roommates are that bad. I don't think generalizing is a good thing to do.

The rest of it is spot on.

It's really important that you set out rules so everyone is clear on the expectations. I did this for my previous roommates and we had some disagreements but not many and they were resolved quickly. (Like, we generally didn't share food unless we asked one another and gave permission...that kind of stuff)

Also, you should always have a "You touch it, you replace/clean it" rule. It keeps the house cleaner because you're not putting off chores constantly so things get done more often. Plus if they can't agree to that, then its a red flag that they are dirty. Good luck finding a new roommate.