fear of intimacy

I have an extreme fear of intimacy. Emotional and physical. If any of you have or still suffer from this fear....how did/do you overcome it? Its ruining my marriage.....I dont know if its repairable. My husband feels like he lives with a roomate and I feel the same. I just dont know what to do. Any suggestions on how to begin to repair our relationship?

I don't really have this issue, but I was just wondering if you know the root of your fear? As in what made you fear intimacy in the first place?

well from what ive discovered in therapy.....an emotionally unavailable mom with a mental illness whom i never really attached too, possible CSA involving my dad.....at the very least he had bad boundaries.

((struggling2))

Been there. I was married as well for almost 15 years to a really nice guy, but my issues never disappeared. I was in T for many years, medications, etc, but there continued to be everyday challenges in life and working through my past seemed less important than working through the present.

After 30 years of therapy, I'm finally beginning to work on early - mid childhood experiences and emotions. I still really struggle with emotional and physical intimacy. I want to be there, but I find myself dissociating at times. I struggle with feelings of shame after sex a lot. I can't stand it when my bf turns the experience to be mostly sexual ~ intense self-hate kicks into overdrive in those times! Yet, when he becomes emotional and sweet, I have a real hard time accepting what he says. I avoid telling him that I love him, and have to push myself hard to smile when he shows affection.

As you can see, the problem lies within me. Getting through thoughts, emotions, and patterns like these isn't easy at all. It takes a lot of work ~ and patience on both sides! I wish you the very best. Get in to see a T, if you haven't already & you may want to work with a sex therapist with your hub as well.

Best wishes!

Oh gosh, been there!! Mine stems from growing up Catholic, and having the nuns drum into our heads that sex was ONLY for procreating. That was ALL it was for, according to them. And then there was my mother, who was alcoholic, and after coming in from dates, she would call me a ***** --- I was a virgin when I got married, by the way. Basically I got married to get out of the house.

I got married 4 days after I graduated from high school. Of course that was a huge mistake, but i'd been dating the guy for 3 years. He came from a great family, so my parents highly approved. Big deal. I wanted to back out, but my parents got mad so I went thru with it. All thru our marriage, intimacy was an issue because I couldn't INSTIGATE intimacy. That made my husband mad. HE always had to ask or initiate it. I tried to explain to him that it was difficult for me, but he couldn't "get it" I told him all about the nuns, etc. He should have understood since he too was Catholic, and had the nuns but he still didn't get it. I guess was HE heard and what I heard were two different things. This went on the whole 26 years we were married. Besides the sex issue, he was also verbally & emotionally abusive, and we divorced after 26 yrs.

I later married a wonderful, caring man and the intimacy issue wasn't nearly as bad. He understood my problem and was very patient -- and soon it became much less of a problem, although it didn't disappear. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before we found he had cancer, and 12 days before our first anniversary, he died. So I'm a widow now and have been for more than 11 years.

It's terrible what parents & churches can drum into young heads that later affects the rest of their lives. I always thought that I'd get over that problem, but even with therapy and talking to a priest later in life, I found it almost impossible to rid myself of it. It's amazing the POWER they have in young people. If only they knew the damage they did!

I wish you the very best. God bless and never give up. Hugs, Lee