Forever Alone?

hi everyone

I'm new to this so bare with me, please?

I'm a very shy person and I won't make the first move to meet or talk to somone new. And when someone does try to talk to me, I'm so awkward. Then they stop talking to me. (either the start of friendships or relationships)
I'm 20 and I'm always being forced into finding a boyfriend because I'm the only one left not getting married or having kids. But the thing is, I don't want to be married or have kids right now. Of course I want that in the future but for now I just want someone to like me for me and not have that lonely/depressing feeling. I have this constant thought that I'll be forever alone and I'm not good enough for no one. My self esteem is so low. Sometimes I feel so ugly that I don't leave my house. My anxiety has gotten in the way so many times. I hold everything in, and don't say a word. I just pretend I'm happy, but I'm tired of crying all the time.
and I can't say anthing because I don't want them to think I want attention, when that's the last thing I want.

Here's my almost but fail relationship story...

I was told that a guy from work liked me and wanted to get to know me. We exchanged numbers and we would talk during our breaks at work. I was so nervous, but happy because I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years then. We went on one date (I was extremely nervous, that I got sick before) and it went well. I was proud that I actually survived my real first date. We continued talking and discussed being a couple after hanging out more. I was down but I would always avoid the dates. I would come up with excuses. I don't know what was wrong with me. "Was I not ready? But I'ved been waiting for this for so long?" I always would have discussions in my head. It turned out that I ended things with him.
He was upset and told me he wished he knew before he wasted his time on me.

At work when he would see me, he would smile but I would put my head down right away. I always avoid my problems.

But after a couple of months of avoiding and pretending we didn't know each other I couldn't take it. I missed him. He was such a good guy and you don't know what you got until it's gone.

I text him and I apologized that I messed up and I was willing to try it again if he wanted. After that, we started talking again and everything was going good. I was happy again and I even felt more comfortable around him.

The thing is, he wanted me to be more expressive in the way I felt and wanted me to be all on top of him. With my anxiety, I hold everything in. I'm not the best person to explain my feelings or be touchy feely with a guy. He stopped talking to me ...

I didn't do anything about it. I'm not one to chase boys.
A couple weeks passed and he left me a message saying he's just going to prentend we don't know each other and he's done. He said that he put all this effort in, and I didn't even try. That hurt so much.

I just text him back saying, I wish him nothing but the best.

Now I'm here forever alone once again.
He doesn't even look twice at me at work.
It sucks that I know that he moved on and I'm just sad once again.
Sometimes I just wanna text him but then I don't wanna seem desperate. I don't know what to do at this point. I hate seeing him at work.

Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks for reading.

Hi awkward,

I wish you the best. I’m an old lady (almost 65). The love of my life, my late husband, died 13 years ago.

We first started dating when I was 26. Got married when I was 27.

I’m sorry that things didn’t work out with the guy at work – his loss. But that is really it – his loss. I loved my late husband with my whole heart. And it was reciprocated! Don’t give up on love, it just hasn’t happened for you yet.

Awkward, i know the frustration of being unable to express yourself fully because of social anxiety. It can be so demoralising, particularly when you think you're doing so well, or you're being uncharacteristically open, but people still criticise you for being too quiet or standoffish.

I thought the boy in your story was very hasty in breaking off your relationship, but then I don't know the full story. I wish you the best of luck. You've had a relationship before, so you know what to do.

Hello chick!

Am sorry that this guy didnt work out, and that your shyness stopped things going further.

I dont know what to suggest, other than just looking after yourself? Have you ever thought of joining classes, like drama or suchlike, to help you boost your confidence? These things take time, but they are so worth it!

My other half was very shy when we met nearly 5 years ago, and there are still elements of it that remain, but when we met we went out to dinner (he'd never eaten out because so shy), we went to gigs, shows etc. I gently teased him over his hangups (like he always though perfect strangers were judging him). I gently pushed him out of his comfort zone of always staying in and avoiding people and got him to see what I see - and thats what a lovely, funny and kind man he is, and those that meet him love him too! He now says he wished he'd done it when he was younger, and he'd wasted so much time - he's so much happier now. Confidence affects so many aspects of a life, and its the most wonderful thing to have some of..

What am trying to say is if you spend some time in trying to control or overcome some of your shyness, learning what a catch you are, perhaps things like dating will come easier later on? And I'd like to say as an old fogey (I am 40!) that I met my partner, who I hope to marry (he likes the idea too!) at the age of 35. I didnt want relationships, I was working hard and having fun with my friends. 20 is still young, and if you dont want to date seriously yet or do the whole settling down thing, dont! It doesnt matter what your friends are doing, whats right for them might not be right for you. Enjoy yourself, be yourself, and everything will fall into place when you want it to.

x

Hello! I always find it interesting when people refer to their "other half" as though they were not a whole person themselves to begin with. I am single and struggle with that at times but I know that when I am ready, the door may just open. So for now I volunteer, do things with friends, and enjoy my hobbies. I struggle with feeling lonely at times but then I remind myself that I am a child of God and okay just as I am. Hang in there - I liked some of the suggestions of possibly taking a class or doing something with a friend.