[Charles17]

All right, here's my story: When I first walked into my English class the first day of junior year and saw my English teacher for the first time, I noticed right away that she was gorgeous. English, though it was a boring class, automatically became my favorite just because she was there. I would look forward to English class every day so I could see her. She was tall, elegant, sophisticated, intelligent, ladylike. Though she could be cold at times, she had a kind heart. In the next few weeks I developed a crush on her. I would love just looking at her, just seeing her smile made me so happy. As time passed, my feelings grew stronger and stronger. I thought about her more and more, to the point where I thought about her almost all the time. In just a few months, I went from having a crush on her, to being completely in love with her and lusting after her. Whenever I was in her class or she was present in the room I would just stare at her, blocking out everything going on around me, I would just focus on her and think about what it would be like to toucher, kiss her, and things of that nature. I would be so hypnotized by her that my friends would have to snap their fingers in front of my face to get my attention whenever she was present. To me, she was the perfect woman, the only woman in the world that I wanted, no other woman, no matter how pretty or how sweet could ever compare to her. I knew I was obsessed, but she just made me so happy, I never thought it could turn into anything bad or unhealthy. But then this obsession started to take its toll on me. Whenever I talked to her, I would literally shake with excitement, like it was a drug fix, but like any drug, eventually the amount you're taking won't satisfy you anymore and you'll want more. I was no longer satisfied with just being with her and having the usual small talk conversation. I wanted to touch her, I wanted to hold her, I wanted her to love me. I would just lay in my bed for hours, thinking about what it would be like to touch her, and then quickly become depressed that I couldn't. Whenever her fiance (the vice principal of our school) was mentioned, I would go into a jealous rage. Whenever I thought about her, depression, rage, and tears soon followed because I knew I could never have her. Loving someone who doesn't even think about you when you're not around, gazing everyday at everything you've ever wanted and knowing you can't have it. All of it is just tearing me apart! And now things have gotten even worse. I've been dating this girl for a few weeks. She's pretty, kind, funny, and really is a great girl. I do like her, but whenever we're together I can't stop thinking about my English teacher. The thought that my girlfriend will never be her is constantly scratching at my mind whenever we're on a date. My girlfriend is a very lovable girl, but my obsession prevents me from seeing what she is, and makes me constantly think about what she's not. She's really into me and I'm not about to break up with a girl because of a girl I can't have. I really need help, I'm at my wits end. This obsession is ruining my life. If anyone here can offer any words of advice at all, please post it, I really do appreciate it.

[adeline]

I'm glad that you're so aware of the unhealthy nature of this obsession -- being in denial in this situation could exscalate it into actions that would be very detrimental to the privacy of your teacher, or something related. So first off, good job being honest with yourself!

Do you see a therapist/counselor for any mental concerns right now? Do you have other obsessions, or engage in compulsive behaviors? Even if the latter isn't applicable to you, getting some counseling or therapy for this problem may be the only way to really get over it and move on.

You might want to start by asking yourself why a gorgeous teacher would affect you so strongly. Why do you think you responded like you did, while other guys in the class might have just attained a mild infatuation.

Often such an obsession arises when you feel like having such feelings (and possibly sexual thoughts) about an authority figure is wrong and unacceptable. So everytime the thought/feeling comes up, you panic and try to supress it -- but the more you try, the worse it gets. If this is the case for you, it would explain why other boys could let the thought pass by, because they didn't feel guilt over having it, or could come to accept the guilt instead of feeling desperate to smother the thoughts to make it stop.

This may or may not apply to you, or it could possibly apply to you without you being very conscious of it. A cognitive-behavioral therapist would say that the feelings of guilt spring from "automatic thoughts," beliefs that are so deeply ingrained that you often are not aware of them unless you probe for them.

Anyhow, even if you feel like this isn't a big enough problem to seek professional help for, many people go to therapists for mild to moderate hang-ups they have -- wisely recognizing that they need better resources to tackle a problem that they are stuck on.

You can see how continuing to try to solve your problem with your current coping mechanisms would be a futile attempt. And you also see how it's impairing your real relationship, and how that's not fair to the girl (or yourself). Please don't let this drag on, you might miss out on a great (and healthy) relationship.

Jessie

[Debbie120]

I, too, agree that it is good that you recognize your problems here. I think counseling is an excellent route to take. Sometimes just talking about things helps work them out; and if you don't feel you can talk to your parents or your friends, then get yourself your own personal counselor to help you along the way. You'll find that there are probably a lot of things you want to get out and talk about that is leading to these feelings of anger and obsession that you're feeling. Being in high school/college is a very difficult time to go through in life and although the answers are not always clear now, they will be later on in life.

In the meantime, I think you should cool this relationship with this girl, or just be friends for now until you work out what it is you want. It might even be you're channeling all these feelings towards your teacher because you know you can't be with her and you are confused about relationships in general right now.

Is the rest of your life going the way you would like it? Do you have anger towards other things? These are all things that a counselor could work out with you.

Let us know how you make out!!!

Remember to smile.

[honey]

Charles... I agree with all that has been said but I'd like to add this:
if you really want to nip this in the bud....
Cool things off with your girlfriend (your not really being fair.)
and ask your teacher out.
Step out of your dream world and try living in this one.
You never really know.
Good luck.
Honey