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#26
Jul 24, 2012, 03:14 PM
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Last edited by bighands; Jul 24, 2012 at 03:51 PM. |
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#27
Jul 24, 2012, 03:57 PM
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(((Bighands))),
I am glad you found PC and have some place to vent and get validated for your hurt feelings in this matter. It is good that her therapist learns the truth as well. But "her" therapist is there to treat "her" and not you, just so you know. My T told me that he is not permitted by law to treat my other family members. His main concern is "me" as "his" patient. This is not a "bad" thing because your wife has to get to the bottom of why she allowed this to happen. I am still thinking about my original suspicion that this may have been more about a "void" in your wife that has to do with her mother. And as you say she was already in therapy for her issues regarding her mother. While I know this other woman has some bad personal history, it is surprising the lengths some people will go to fill a void in themselves that they don't fully understand. And even though you and your wife are close and have shared some deep secrets, there are some things people don't quite know how to share with others, things they may not truely understand themselves. People don't always hide things to just be deceitful, sometimes they do it to understand something about themselves, something they cannot even verbalize to their spouces or anyone else. I still recommend being patient and making sure you don't let yourself dig into assumptions that may not be the real reasons for this taking place. We can think we know someone so very intimately yet we never really know the complete depths of another person. And sometimes we don't understand our own depths completely either. Open Eyes |
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#28
Jul 24, 2012, 04:12 PM
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Wow. This whole thing has been such an emmotional roller-coaster. I just need to sleep for a month. Maybe when I wake up, it'll be all cleaned up. I'm so tired. Wonder what I'll figure out tomorrow. Plegh... |
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#29
Jul 24, 2012, 04:30 PM
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((Bighands)) - I'm sorry you're going through this and yes its one of the most painful experiences a person can go through besides a death. I've gone through this, so I know all the emotions a person goes through. One bit of advice I can give you is - don't make a decision based on anger and a bruised ego.....don't make a decision right now. If you absolutely aren't willing to work on this, then get a divorce. In 2006 my husband (who's Muslim) decided to marry(in a religious sense) another woman after 25 yrs of marriage - my kids were 4 and 8 at the time. There were no sorries and he told me I have to accept it .....continue living with him and that I should be happy I still have my fancy house and cars. He wouldn't give me a peaceful divorce and because I couldn't support myself I was/still am stuck.
One thing you have is - she's sorry and this means there's hope to recover if you're both willing. It's also good to be realistic that not many relationships survive infidelity. I remember reading one of your posts - where you mentioned this lady and the fact this is a same sex affair is concerning. This brings to question - is she bisexual or lesbian - claiming her long desire to be that way? If she is, then she shouldn't deny her true feelings - its possible to have a peaceful divorce. Some people do ignore this and marry into traditional marriages. This is something that needs careful consideration. I also don't know how you feel about this same sex affair, instead of it being another man. STD's is something you both need to consider whether it was a man or woman. I also recall reading, if I'm not confusing you with someone else....that your sex life was plain or "vanilla". Many of your posts are sexual in nature and I got the impression this is your main focus. I'm not blaming you at all, but I'm wondering if you and your wife lacked a connection on a deeper level - meaning there's more than just the physical connection. Why didn't she enjoy sex as much as you wished - is it because she prefers women? I know that's not easy to consider. When the anger has calmed down - you both need to be very honest and she particularly needs to really examine which gender she really feels an attraction for. I also went through the incredible anger and devastation. I'm still going through it. For me the infidelity was a deal breaker - I gave him 1 year to choose and I would forgive. He insisted to have both - I'm still praying he would divorce me and make it possible for us to live separate. Most of all - don't bring your kids into this battle. Have you asked her if she's bisexual or a lesbian, who thought those feelings would go away if she just married?? It will be a roller coaster and I know very well the pain you feel. You may not feel like it now, but you will get through this, but unfortunately for me, my soul is bruised - it changed my life.
__________________
 This is our little cutie Bella  *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) Last edited by lynn P.; Jul 24, 2012 at 05:07 PM. |
 Open Eyes, shezbut
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 Open Eyes, shezbut
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#30
Jul 24, 2012, 07:51 PM
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(((Bighands))),
Don't be so quick to self blame either. You "reacted" like most "normal" human beings react when a trust is somehow broken. It may have hurt your male ego as well, which is also very common. Lynn has some very good points here as well. People can get married and not even know they have a different sexual preference. Or there could be a question inside them that they just don't know how to share. If that is the case, you cannot blame yourself for not being able to fill ALL your wifes needs. You and your wife have been very close over the years and shared many secrets etc. But even then, your wife may have not even been aware of her VERY deep issues. It has just come time that whatever it is, your wife is now at a point where she wants to know what her issues really are. Oh how I can relate to being emotionally exhausted, wanting to go to sleep for long time. But that feeling will ease up with time and the willingness to open up your mind to the reasons why this took place. (((Hugs))) Open Eyes |
| lynn P.
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#31
Jul 24, 2012, 10:07 PM
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I know exactly how you feel. My current gf cheated on me with her ex. This isn't the 1st time I have been cheated on so the third blow didn't quite hit me as hard, I on the other hand had my suspicions so that kind of prepared me for the worst. I now throw it in here face......I have to stop doing that or we are for sure not going to last. As hard as it maybe, you have to find some way of letting it go but make sure she is putting in the effort to prove how sorry she is. She should be putting in more than you at this time in your relationship. Best of luck to you.
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| bighands
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#32
Jul 24, 2012, 10:40 PM
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#33
Jul 25, 2012, 01:32 AM
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There is this thing called gender-fluency which is basically the idea that we're on a spectrum of "heterosexual -- homosexual" and that it's possible for us to sway between the two. I don't think that means she is gay. I identify as hetero, but I've had romantic feelings for other girls at different parts of my life. They were all very strong and capable people. It wasn't enough for me to pursue, but it confused me.
If your wife feels hetero, then believe her. If her therapist believes she is, she probably is right.
__________________
"You got to fight those gnomes...tell them to get out of your head!" |
| bighands
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#34
Jul 25, 2012, 08:12 AM
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#35
Jul 25, 2012, 08:26 AM
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Men (not realizing it) tend to pick the same kind of women in an effort to try to fill a void they never seemed to fill with their mother. If a mother is distant and aloof a man will be attracted to that kind of woman oddly. As I said, this other woman was there for your wife at a time when she needed some serious nurturing. This woman took an interest in your wife and "listened to her" and provided a kind of "love and respect" that your wife needed. Unfortunately this woman was gay so it was not the same as a really good friend/mother type mentor your wife needed. We have a situation that can happen with therapists called "transference" and this is along the same line. A therapist can fill a void in their client and the client then becomes very attached to the therapist and can develope "even a sexual attraction" and it can even be "the same sex". It can be that the patient is "not gay" as well but still struggles with a strong desire for the therapist. The patient can get very confused by this sudden "need" and "strong desire". What it can mean is that the therapist is filling a "gap or void" for the patient that they really "needed from a mother or father" in their childhood. They can say "oh my therapist really understands me like no one else" but that is what a parent should do as well that the patient never got.  Open Eyes
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#36
Jul 25, 2012, 09:36 AM
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#37
Jul 25, 2012, 11:10 AM
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I'm curious. My wife says that she never stopped loving me and hopes that our relationship can get stronger. She says all the right things and I'm not currently planning on leaving (ask me again in an hour and I may have a different answer) but she also says that she can't wait until we can make love again. Honestly, I don't see that happening any time soon. How long did it take for you to feel comfortable enough to make love to your husband after you found out that he cheated? |
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#38
Jul 25, 2012, 12:42 PM
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I hope that you can learn to set aside "your" immediate feelings of "betrayl" and focus on helping your wife get to a point where she can understand this. It just isn't healthy to go off with anger Bighands because you are just "inside your own box of how you look at things". Sigh...I have had that with my husband who really hurt me and hasn't been able to understand that I have "my" reasons for how "I" was genuinely hurt. For me, it goes back to my childhood too. I can't help that I have been genuinely hurt, I have been working on it in therapy as well and I HAVE been through a lot and I can't "just" put it aside anymore and try to ignore it. My issue isn't about my mother, my issue is about many men in my life that have let me down, even betrayed me. I am even dealing with that now with an attorney who has been pushing all the wrong buttons and has not been doing right by me. But that is a whole nother story. We have to learn how to listen in life and partnerships. We don't learn anything unless we learn to listen first. And this isn't just about you Bighands, a whole lot of people don't know how to listen. As far as your wife wanting to be sexual with you, be patient with that as well. I have a feeling she realized something in this affair and her problem may not be sexual like she thought. I just think she is a very confused woman, and you see it too. Unfortunately as I said, a mother can really confuse a child so much by not knowing how to be a loving supportive, nurturing mother. There is going to have to be a part of you that can see that confused child in your wife and understand that it is not something she has been able to understand herself. And that is what you have been dealing with. I see this all the time in people. It is time to be patient and allow yourselves to know each other in an even deeper more trusting way. Open Eyes
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| bighands
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#39
Aug 03, 2012, 01:03 AM
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I have an aunt who is the same boat with her husband. He had an affair two or three months ago. He was slowly regaining my aunt's trust til about 3 weeks ago when my aunt caught him in a lie. I will tell you the same thing I told her. When dating cheating is forgivable when married cheating is unforgivable. It shows a total lack of respect for you and your vows. You take the vow that says forsaking all others its clear she didn't mean it when she took that part of the vow. You have a lot of thinking to do but I will say this "once a cheater always a cheater" good luck.
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#40
Aug 03, 2012, 02:10 PM
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First of all...That whole line about her cheating with your child IN THE NEXT ROOM. HELL no. That's foul...I mean, do what you do, but with your baby in the next room? That right there, that means she just didn't give a d*** Look, I know that you said that you had a pretty good relationship up until this cheating thing, but it doesn't seem like it was that good...At least to her. Why? Because she stepped out. People only step out if they aren't getting what they want sexually or emotionally from their mate. It's hard to believe someone would randomly cheat. Even if this was an old "friend". This friend, doesn't matter what she looks like, what she does, if she's an addict, a looser, whatever. It don't matter. Your wife was getting something from her, that she felt she couldn't or didn't get from you. I'm telling you this because I know it is fact...I won't put my personal business on here, because I don't want judgments, but lets just say that it's factual that she wasn't getting something from you. And sometimes when people cheat, they cheat down. Meaning, this woman can be the ugliest thing on this earth, and you are the finest thing walking, but that don't matter to your wife, because she is getting something from her that is filling some sort of void. A lot of times when people get cheating on, they are dumbfounded when the other person is not on their level... I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I know how you feel. Your life is centered around this one person, you build a life together, and then BAM it's gone/this happens. Finding out something like this literally feels like someone kicked u in the stomach. Hopefully you and your wife can work things out...Going forward, always go with your gut feeling. You gave her too much trust when there were red flags EVERYWHERE...If you two do decide to go separate ways, do not let her actions determine how you view other women going forward. I wish you the best....Good luck...
__________________
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, & Wisdom to know the difference. To live is to suffer, and to survive is to find meaning in that suffering |
| lynn P.
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#41
Aug 04, 2012, 10:26 AM
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This is personal, and I won't go into ALL the details here, but I have been on both ends of this. Please don't think that I'm blaming you for your wife's actions. I can just come from the other side, too. I know he still has issues trusting me now as I do him, but we have to just make ourselves show the trust, and I draw the line at making each other feel worse than we already do. He threw something about it in my face one day, and I finally told him that it happened, I was sorry, I loved him, but I wouldn't put up with him throwing things in my face ever again. We were either moving on or not. Period. I know you may not be ready to move on, but remember that if you ever want to, be careful what you say to your wife. Words can hurt much worse than actions. I just want to say that it can work out if both of you are willing to move on and try.
__________________
RX and Daily meds: Vraylar 1.5mg daily, Gabapentin 900mg daily General Anxiety Disorder; Panic Disorder (unspecified); Borderline Personality Disorder; Schizoaffective Disorder/Bipolar Type; Fibromyalgia; Sleep Apnea "putting on a brave face, trying to ignore the voices in the back of my head" - Gotye |
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#42
Aug 04, 2012, 07:53 PM
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I do not think this is your fault and I am sorry all of this happened. It might be a good idea for you to get your own T while your wife keeps her T and then you both go to a different marriage counselor together. As far as the affair being with a woman: it is possible that it came about because of "mother" issues, but could there be a possibility that she is bisexual? I agree with the poster who said that for some people, sexuality is fluid and people can be on various places on the spectrum. I have never been in this position so I do not truly know what you are going through but I will be keeping you in my thoughts. Also, expressing anger is okay as long as you don't take it out on someone else. I will sometimes express my anger by going down into the basement and yelling/hitting the floor with a pillow. You have a right to your anger and I am glad you are still communicating with your wife.
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#43
Aug 04, 2012, 07:58 PM
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There is always hope. The good thing is that she came out and told you because she was feeling hurt to. Maybe at the time she wasn't in her right mind frame and just wanted to try something else. I can tell that you really love her but some things you just have to let go and move or keep and move on.
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#44
Aug 04, 2012, 09:55 PM
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My heart breaks for you
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this crap. I know what it feels like. My marriage ended because I was cheated on... several times. I can tell you that you will be such a stronger person, going forward. Try not to make any rhyme or reason on it, focus on your children. I believe, once a cheater always a cheater. Peace
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#45
Aug 07, 2012, 05:04 AM
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Though my relationship time was much shorter, and no children involved, I know your pain. Several years ago, I was cheated on by the only person I had ever loved. I was promised all kinds of similar changes, but I found myself constantly questioning and wondering, and the pain is unbearable. I'm pretty sure that counseling must take place for at least yourself, if not for both of you. I did not go to any counseling for my situation. We tried to work through it on our own. After two long years, I finally concluded that I would never be able to fully trust her after that. It took a few more years after that to even learn how to love and trust a new person. Looking back, counseling would have at least given me the tools to deal with my emotions and maybe even left me a little less damaged for future relationships. I'm not saying that you two can't work out your situation, but counseling is the only way it will survive. Untill you are able to deal with this situation and underlying issues (people don't cheat for no reason), your relationship will be damaged and it will only cause future pain. A brief separation period may also help you to cool down for awhile and check yourself to see if you really want to fight for this to work or not. Best wishes to you. I know you are going through one of life's hardest moments.
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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