I'm confused today. I was reading about the signs of an emotionally abusive person. I'm wondering if I'm too critical or judgmental. I call him out on a lot, but it gets me nowhere except in a fight. Then, I bring up his past to point out how he hasn't changed. He was physically abusive to his wife, and I recognize the signs of his emotional and verbal abuse with me. He thinks he's a better person now because he doesn't hit me like he did his wife. I'm confused now though. I am sometimes guilty of dishing out what he serves. I always thought I was defending myself though. I admit that I sometimes want to hurt him so he knows how I feel (this is momentary though, I don't really want to hurt him.) It seems I can't hurt him anyway though because he doesn't care about me enough. His wife could hurt him because he loved her so much. He doesn't love me. He never has. He has just told me things like, "I don't want to lose you," or "I care about you." Those are the things that fool me. Then, he tells me that he doesn't want to love anyone again. Last night, he told me he doesn't like me anymore, and how could he love or like someone who nags all the time. It all started because I told him to keep it down at 1AM when he's playing his stupid game that triggers even more anger in him. He told me to shut my mouth in spanish. I can still understand even though I don't speak fluent spanish. He did say something else though that I didn't understand, but it sounded mean too. I didn't say anything back until a little later when he's acting like nothing's wrong. One time, awhile back, I couldn't politely ask him to be quiet.....it was too much. I just told him to SHUTTUP!! He screamed at me, "You shuttup! You don't tell me to shuttup, I'm the man, you're the woman, I tell YOU to shuttup!" I laughed because it sounded sooo ridiculous. I just don't get it. I'm nothing like his "ex"-wife. I don't start screaming and cursing, and throwing punches. My defense is telling him how wrong he is, and how bad his behavior is. I know I'm not perfect, but now, whenever we argue, I have an echo. He claims that everything I tell him, I do the same things to him. Now, I'm starting to question if I'm really too critical and judgmental. He doesn't want to "listen to my mouth," he says. I don't know how to handle his behavior in a way that would please him. It's like I'm not allowed to complain or disapprove. My neighbors are older people, and I feel bad because he moved in with me, and is always yelling at the game, throwing the controller or other objects. Then, they have to listen to our arguments. Well, I guess it will all be over soon. I quit my stupid job, paid the last month's rent, and will be moving back home with my alcoholic mother. I didn't know how else to end this whole situation. I tried to hang on. I told him to move so many times. It hurts me so much that he's leaving in a better off position. I'm worse, and have to start all over again. I quit because he works there too, and if I see him, he might be able to charm his way back. I also thought if I end my financial support.......well, there's no other choice now, but to leave. For now, I'm not ready to go back to my mom's just yet. She's unorganized, and doesn't clean. My old room became another closet, and I have to clean it out and fix things like the stove this month. So, I keep thinking, 1 more month. I'm just confused, and wondering if I'm the problem.

[Leed]

Hi my friend ~ I was married to a man JUST LIKE him. I was with him for 26 years. When you're with someone like that, you become like that. When they verbally and emotionally abuse you, you strike back. It's a self-preservation tactic. It's normal to try to defend yourself. At first you say "I am NOT a so-and-so" but then you end up saying "You're a rotten $$^$#@^#" and it just goes on and on. He will throw things and curse & swear when he plays his little games cause he can't win, just like a little kid. He makes noise all night long, so you can't sleep. You get so darned mad, that you scream at HIM too. It's a vicious cycle. You can't change him -- no way.

You're doing the very smart thing in getting OUT of there -- but I'm sorry you have to go back to your alcoholic mother. Isn't there any where else you could go? Can't you rent a room somewhere or a small apartment in a subsized complex? Social Services can help you with finding a place that you can afford. It would be better than living with your mother.

At any rate, I'm glad you're leaving this man. That is NO life, believe me. You'll just end up a resentful, cold, woman with no future. God bless you and will you PLEASE let us know what happens? Keep us posted on your progress, ok? Take care. Hugs, Lee