[lenjan]

So I have this very dear friend of long standing, who has pitched in and helped me whenever I needed it -- financially, emotionally, name it. Two of her 5 sons helped me move.

I've never understood her children. All 5 are high school dropouts. At any given time, at least 3 of them are living at home and have no jobs. The oldest is in his early 30s, and they aren't separated in age by very much.

When I arrived in MN, I had quite a story to tell about the week I endured just trying to get here. I emailed a bunch of people on my list (I think I posted it here, too) to tell them about it and let them know I made it.

I haven't heard from my friend since, which is odd. But I was going back through sent mail and read that one over, and I said something awful about her kids, and now I don't know what to do. She cuts them far too much slack, if you ask me, or just has too-low expectations or something, but who am I to parent somebody else's kids, you know? It's just that mine is an honor student who just got a pile of scholarships to college (he'll be a freshman in the fall), and I'm much more used to having an achiever than a slacker.

I don't mean to make excuses for what I did, it was terrible. I don't understand why she puts up with what she does from her family, but what I said was uncalled for. NOW what do I do? I don't even know where to begin to apologize. I feel like crap!

Me and my big mouth........

Candy

[bebop]

candy I think any friend that is caring as you seem to be most of the time voices their opinions about "slacker" kids. I know I do it myself. I have even had friends do that to me about my kids. just send your friend an email saying that you did not mean to say that to her and you are very sorry. that is about all you can do in my opinion. take care hon

[wisewoman]

Candy, take the first step and write her telling her how incredibly exhausting your adventure was and thanking her for her long time friendship. Then say something about wow was I a grump, I was so overwhelmed, I could'a won a new car right then and I still would have been entirely overwhelmed and grumpy doing this major life change and being so ill on top of it. I hope this helps. By the way, moms are way sensitive about their kids, if my very good friends say something it's okay but when the further out ones comment I get a little hot under the collar. And as I recently learned, it's one thing to tell a friend about her kids until your kids start doing the same darned things. Take care.

[bebop]

[hillbunnyb]

A copy of your post here plus a personalized cover letter recounting all the help she and her kids actually gave you and an apology for you lapse into judgementalism..... with flowers??? Speak to her from your heart. That's all I can think of to suggest. Good Luck. (I have a big mouth at times too, probably from all the times I've put my foot in it......)

[LILITH]

Good friends are hard to come by.... but now easily lost... so explain the stress of the move and how extremly tird you have been.... Say that you are sorry about talking about her kids... But you have the right for your opinions..... it is fact, that dropped out of school.
Don't beat yourself up over this.
Lilith

[eskielover]

No, not doomed.....what you wrote in your post, is a great place to start with an apology. It is important to have good friends & yes, the email was negative about her children (you are entitled to your opinions), but it is important to also let them know the positives about their friendship & all they have done for you. If you don't dwell on all the negative & make sure they also know how much they mean to you.....it is important to communicate that also. I think the previous suggestions give you a great place to start, & go from there.

Like lilith said, don't beat up on yourself. You learned from this experience that it is possible to hurt people, but give it the positive try.....I'm sure that your friendship will come back to life.

Debbie

[(JD)]

Aw gee... sometimes it feels like the only time we open our mouths is to change feet? Candy, I would begin right where you did with us... OOOO I'm doomed.. or such...and say you noticed she didn't reply and when you reread your email you couldn't believe you had said what you did... maybe add in stress and fatigue... and asking how you can make it up to her and her sons, who have been such a help etc.

Regardless of her response, I would follow up with a card of apology or if she forgives, of gratefulness. What's done is done... do what needs to be done now, and move on.

[lenjan]

She actually wrote a day or two ago and made no mention of anything -- she's not the type to say anything in an email, but I know it will come up the next time I see her. She's totally nonconfrontational, but not afraid to gently let people know they've hurt her. I don't know if I should call and get it over with??

[hillbunnyb]

She sounds like she's still your friend if she's still talking to you. GOOD. When I really screw up, I have been known to literally act out mmy angst and arrive with serious and silly props (flowers and a horse's ***) and literally drop to my knees and beg forgiveness when they open the door. The drama somehow equalizes the energy and laughs and hugs and clear air usually follows. Deepens the friendship. Good Luck whatever you decide. Good friends are precious, huh?