[adeline]

I feel awkward and guilty around my mom sometimes, and it majorly affects my mood. We're going to Europe in less than two weeks (10 day vacation) & I'm really worried about how I'll feel. I love her not only as my mom, but also think she's an incredible person, and I try to emulate her morals, intellect, achievements and kind actions.

But I feel so insecure about losing her love, & have significant abandonent issues. It's from a family trauma when I was 3, she had to leave unexpectantly one afternoon & was gone for weeks (my dad was in the ICU, my brother dead).

We all developed PTSD and apparently it disrupted my secure attachment development. Which causes me to feel really anxious when I'm around her, which is quite often. I can usually only take about 3 hours, then the anxiety gets too bad and I have to leave.

My mom and I are really close -- emotionally -- but we have a harder time discussing/revealing our major faults to one another. I always confessed EVERYTHING to her as a child (any slight bad thought, etc.) & we've talked about almost all of my current major failures/issues. She's totally supportive and accepting, but nothing helps the fear that inevitably I've done or will do something that she could never forgive me for.

Sorry I've rambled on for so long, old habits die hard. I just don't know what I can do to cope with this. I'm bipolar, and my hormones are all over the place right now too. My ED has also been flaring up. My therapist & I've been working on my failure/abandonment issues & anxiety all this spring, & I'm functional enough with everyone now... except my mom.

Nothing else is wrong in the situation... it's all me. She's calm, open, fun, accepting, & has always planned amazing vacations. She wanted me to bring a friend, like we usually do, but none were available. This was how I coped in the past.

Any advice (please??) . Also, I'm 20 & in college, if this gives any more perspective on the situation.

Thanks!

Jessie

i'm so sorry that youo oare having these feelings about the trip. i have times with my oldest daughter that sound similiar to yours. i don't have the answers. i'm bipolarII and it sure makes it hard for me to deal with stress with the daughter. good luck and let us know how you're doing. xoxoxo pat

[adeline]

Thank you for the reply Pat! Do you mean that you feel as I do towards my mom, towards your daughter -- or that she has abandonment issues with you? In either case I'm sorry that you've dealt with this, there's alot of guilt on both sides. I hope it gets better.

Jessie

[eskielover]

From your description of you Mother, she sounds like a wonderful person. It also sounds like you both went through a horrible trauma when your father ended up in ICU & your brother dying. I can realize how at that age you would have felt that she left you, but as you can look back now, you can realize how important it was for your mother to be there with your father.

The way you describe your mother, I would have loved to have a mother that I looked up to. Someone that I could have as a role model rather than a person that you have as someone not to have your life like (that was my mothers role). My Mother wasn't bad, I just couldn't live my life the way she lived hers. Anyone that has high morals, intellect, achievements, & kind actions like you described your mother, could never find a reason to not accept you nor not forgive you for anything.....that just doesn't match her personality.

It sounds like you have open communications with your mother, but sounds like you may be a little more open than your mother. I don't know if you are seeing a psychologist, but it may be a good time for both of you to go in together, It sounds like you need to know what is going on inside of your mother rather that just what your observations are. It sounds like two way communication on the issues that you are having problems with could be a good place to start to help with your anxiety level. It sounds like that part of her life, she keeps to herself....maybe she hurts also & by avoiding some of those feelings, she can stay in control. You both lived through the trauma & maybe a psychologist can help you both get out some of the feelings that are going on inside. She sounds like a wonderful person, & I would have loved to have a mother that fit your description to be proud of.

Maybe this vacation with just the 2 of you (no friends) can be a chance for your mother & you to open up about some of the issues you have & maybe you can get your mother to talk about the things that are bothering you & what you feel insecure about....not to ruin the vacation, but maybe there will be a chance for some of it to come out. Even if it doesn't, it will be a good chance for both of you to have some wonderful experiences together rather than a trauma.

I can relate to anxiety making my ED worse.....when I experienced anxiety while & after dealing with the trauma I went through with the ID theft when my mother was dying of cancer last year, I lost so much weight & ended up in the medical hospital for 2 months being treated for anemia & malnutrition. I was 11 pounds underweight with a pdoc that was telling me that if I left the hospital to go to my Mothers funeral, I would die in a couple of days. I went AMA from the hospital & went to the funeral & obviously, I didn't die. However the PTSD symptoms have been constantly haunting me everyday since then.

I hope you can find some answers & hopefully you can find a psychologist that can help both of you together. It is the best way to have someone there to help you both with the PTSD issues you have been left with. Enjoy your vacation together....it could be the best thing that can happen to you both.

My prayers are with you,
Debbie

[adeline]

Thank you Debbie, your response led me to another piece of why we have such communication problems. Especially this part: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It sounds like two way communication on the issues that you are having problems with could be a good place to start to help with your anxiety level. It sounds like that part of her life, she keeps to herself....maybe she hurts also & by avoiding some of those feelings, she can stay in control.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My mom & I are both self-confessed control freaks, and while we have talked about deep issues and feelings... in general we bottle them up until something happens to force them out. The main problem we have is mutual guilt over what happened.

On my mom's part, she's expressed before how guilty she feels for how I turned out (mental health-wise -- other than that I've done well in my life). I feel guilty for resenting her for her outbursts of anger, her controlling behaviors, and her instability (laughing one minute then yelling) that was present throughout my childhood. She was never abusive, though.

My life-long friends occasionally saw these switches, and would tell me they didn't know how I could stand it. She became another person, & I learned early to keep my mouth shut until it passed.

The bringing a friend thing originated from the fact that she manages her anger/moods better when someone else is around. She's much better now though.

She acknowledges all of her behaviors, and has really been working on them alot. The PTSD really flared up her behaviors, & I think my fear that failure leads to abandonment grew from her outbursts.

I always tried to be the perfect child, & got pretty close -- but of course her almost daily outbursts continued, & I didn't understand that it wasn't (always) because of me. I spent most of my childhood in tears from the anxiety caused by my need to perform perfectly.

So now I feel angry (& bad for feeling angry) and I can't stand to hurt her by telling her I feel her anger helped make me emotionally mal-adjusted. I mean, I constantly went from being utterly comforted & feeling loved by her to feeling afraid of her. How am I supposed to reconcile these two extremes?

I mostly can't stand to say that she "messed up," or damaged me in any way. I've always blamed myself for being so neurotic -- too sensitive, unable to cope. But then I feel like I do now, like I'm a horrible person, like there's something inside of me that can't be loved. I've always felt dirty or sinful and I don't know what I did, or what I'm doing, to feel that way.

Sorry this is so long, your response was very helpful to me, I've had quite an ephiphany. This clarifies alot for me, thank you so much.

Jessie

my daughter is also bipolarII and her dad and then her stepfather abandoned her....i'm expected to fill their four shoes. and sometimes i can't. the projection spills over to me. she just started going back to NA (clean addict now) and i'm praying that that will help.

so, i don't think she feels abandoned by me, but my T does feel that she gets scared if i'm not readily available. it's very complicated for us. i THINK we might be able to take a trip together, but i'd be a nervous wreck....i hope that my moving to Texas will help. that might sound weird, but the Ts all around think it will be a positive thing for both of us.

[adeline]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fayerody said:
my daughter is also bipolarII and her dad and then her stepfather abandoned her....i'm expected to fill their four shoes. and sometimes i can't. the projection spills over to me. she just started going back to NA (clean addict now) and i'm praying that that will help.

so, i don't think she feels abandoned by me, but my T does feel that she gets scared if i'm not readily available. it's very complicated for us. i THINK we might be able to take a trip together, but i'd be a nervous wreck....i hope that my moving to Texas will help. that might sound weird, but the Ts all around think it will be a positive thing for both of us.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Pat,

It sounds like you're a very devoted, involved mom. Moving to another state is no small task, certainly, and it's admirable that you're willing to do this to give your daughter the support she needs right now.

I think that despite the awkwardness/anxiety that comes from being together, having my mom available whenever I need her really helps me feel more secure.

I also think children with abandonment issues will (and possibly even need to) test others to see if they'll be unconditionally supportive. Part of my problem is that I've never had a big failure in from of her -- I never rebelled, never criticised her, & even hid my mental illnesses. So I never had any evidence that if I did mess up, & she was aware of it, that she wouldn't abandon me or become disgusted by me at least.

The good news is that I made myself talk to my mom today, which was completely due to the fact that I've received so much support and advice from everyone in this thread (thank you!! ). I felt so much better after just getting my feelings out here, & I noticed that I could concentrate better than I had in weeks... so since I have two finals this wednesday, I decided I needed to get this out to my mom in order to deal with that stress.

Anyhow, I wrote a letter (much easier) & gave it to her as she left from dinner... in about 20 minutes she came back & we discussed it. I was so worried that she'd be hurt, & I emphasized that I wasn't trying to blame her, but that I just wanted to tell her how I felt emotionally. She wasn't hurt, she was very strong & didn't cry, which meant alot to me because I didn't feel so horribly guilty.

She gave a model response to everything, & told me all that I needed to hear. I knew she would, but it was most important to me to see how she emotionally responded. As I said, she wasn't mad or upset, but was upbeat & helped me to relax.

She also said that she didn't want our trip to be stressful for me, & that she would let me do whatever I wanted instead of keeping up a strict itenerary (she said she wouldn't be mad or hassle me if I slept all day, which is good cause usually she's really rigid about what we do & when we do it (although I don't plan on sleeping all day ).

Thank you all SO much, you've really helped me get this out!!!

Jessie

[hillbunnyb]

Mothers. Mine is coming for three days. I plan to take many breaks. She and my sister will be staying at a B&B. I get overloaded. Sometimes just a little nap can reset my clock.
Best.