Am I being too hard on my in-laws?

I am looking for some direction on how I should handle some situations with my in-laws. Over the past three years, they have provided unwanted input about my life with their daughter. I've walked a fine line on letting them know when to back off and when I should just let them talk to keep the peace. They do trust me and we had/have a good relationship.

However, my daughter was born 2 years ago and in those two years my in-laws have wanted to visit 2-3 times a week (for the whole day sometimes). I can't fault them for being grandparents and loving my daughter, but time and time again my father-in-law leaves doubt in my mind that he does not know when it is time to let the father (me) be a father and when he needs to back off in my opinion. For example, he tried in the beginning to plan Christmas morning with our family so that my daughter could sit with him while opening presents. I have no problem speaking up to him, so I tell him that I don't want Christmas to happen that way because this is a memory a father should have. I have to remind him that he had his chance as a father and now it's my turn.

Recently, they have been up 2 days a week to watch my daughter while my wife and I work. Here are a few situations that happened and please let me know if I am overreacting.

1) My wife and I are in agreement NOT to always hold my daughter when she falls. My father-in-law tends to run to her, pick her up, and treat her as if it is a life threatening injury. I fear that if he continues this, my daughter will feel like she can run to my father-in-law when hurt and not her father

2) I bought three toys for my daughter the other day. Yesterday, my father-in-law said something to me sarcastically about buying the toys. I immediately responded with, it's my daughter, so she's worth it. I know that he is upset because my wife has told my father-in-law not to buy toys (and for the record I did inform my wife of the purchases first and she was ok with it). Later that night, my wife brought this up and said that my father-in-law was upset with my tone of voice. Am I being too tough on my in-laws?

3) Similar to #2, when my father-in-law asked what I was doing for Halloween, I said I was taking my daughter out trick or treating. Since my in-laws will be up, I said they could stay back and hand out candy. My father-in-law was clearly upset when looking at his face and tried to come up with a reason to go with us. Again, I just feel that this is a father moment (1st time out trick or treating). Am I overreacting?

Sorry for the long post. All thoughts are welcomed. Again, I am just trying to see if I am overreacting to these situations and what I should do to make sure that the "father" moments belong to me. I just fear that if I give too much flexibility to my father-in-law, my daughter could get confused on whom she should run to.

I am with you 100% -- and I APPLAUD you for taking such an active part in your daughter's life. So often in this generation, I've seen fathers just either leave, or sit back and let the mother do it all -- and you are a refreshing change! Thank you for being such a GOOD father to your daughter!

I think you're absolutely right in wanting to do what you're doing. These things ARE the father's right and the grandfather already HAD his chance. If he blew it back then, it's just too darn bad. This is YOUR time, and your daughter shouldn't be confused as to who she should go to when hurt, or who gave her what, etc.

Grandpa needs to just be a Grandpa, NOT THE FATHER. Tell him to step back, and let YOU be the father. And any decisions that need to be made about your daughter are up to YOU. If Grandpa gets mad, he'll get over it if he wants to see granddaughter again.

Like I said, I'm behind you 100% as you're NOT being unreasonable. You're being a GOOD DAD. So keep up the good work, as I know you will. You obviously love that little girl very much. Take care and God bless you. I wish there were more Dads out there like you! Hugs, Lee

on the other hand, it is soon going to be time to each your daughter about sharing, and it will be easier if she sees you doing it. the grandparents babysitting is a gift you seem to be taking for granted.

I see a couple of issues here and I will offer my opinion and you are welcome to give them consideration or to throw out my ideas as not suitable.

Little girls should be raised to stand on their own two feet and not to run to the nearest man (not even daddy) when they can solve whatever the difficulty is on their own.

It seems to me this issue might be about manliness and masculinity and how it relates to the less-powerful, male-dominated, has fewer rights female than about fatherhood, per se.

Your wife managed to escape your father-in-law's domineering clutches and now pop-in-law sees another chance. I think you're right to put a spoke in his wheel. But not with regard to just the little girl; but with controlling your lives on holidays and other times.

You and your wife should be making your own life as a family unit. Talk these things over with your wife. Don't ask her, but tell her, that you want these special once in a lifetime moments with your daughter just as she should be having mom-daughter moments. You should be working with your wife to manage your overbearing in-laws. (on both sides, if necessary).

All of that said, grandparents should be a part of their grandchildren's lives; but as grandparents. Encourage the grandparent moments, but don't allow your wife's father to continue to dominate your family.

Hi Stressed2012 - Put simply, i think you have a right to be a father. No doubt you've already had conversations with your wife about your in-laws but i would state once and for all that despite the fact you appreciate your in laws being fantastic grandparents they have to accept that as a father, you also have an important role to play in your daughters life - especially at such a formative age. What is your wifes view on the matter? If you can't sit down together to talk to her parents and she's reluctant to have a quiet word with them by herself i fear the only option that leaves you with is going to the source itself. Tread exceptionally carefully if you choose to go down this route - explain to your wife beforehand what you are going to say to her parents so that they if they turn round and say something different to her at least she would have known the truth from you. Who knows, perhaps taking this sort of stand might encourage your wife a little more to better support you in laying down clearer boundaries with her parents. I hope ive been of some help. I also hope this situation resolves positively for you. All the best.

First, stop having them babysit while you work. You're putting them in a 'caretaking' position and their opinions come with it. Do you depend on them for other things...loans, etc? Stop.

If your daughter has a bed-time you may want to invite them over on a day that you both have off for dinner once a week and that's it. Let them spoil her with love while there. We made a rule of no new toys unless they are for birthdays or Christmas any new toys that come in to our home (except by us) are wrapped and put away for the nearest holiday. If the toys are at their house you don't really have a say.

Ask if their Christmas can be done on Christmas eve at their house. You will tape yours so the can watch it later. Halloween is your families this year but maybe they can help decorate the wagon or stroller she'll be riding in. It's not very nice to volunteer for in-laws to do work (hand out candy). I take it this is their first grand child. You and more your wife need to set up the holiday traditions.

Best of luck.