[crunkbabe]

Well, it’s been a crazy 2 years for me lately and I’ve decided to let this out in writing, rather than having to keep it to myself. Me and my boyfriend have finally gotten engaged last month and we’ve never been happier. Hi family, including his mom, dad & younger sister (who got married 4 months ago) are beyond excited and so are his uncle and aunties. I moved over to Australia a year ago and my fiancée have been taking care of me fully and supporting me ever since, giving me a comfortable life, encouraging me to further my studies without having to worry about funds or anything. He is an amazing partner, very patient, stable and also cares a lot for his family. Cut the story short, I’ve never met anyone that is as amazing as him.

Our life seems perfect except for one thing, my family. They are against our relationship because of the fact that he is a catholic, not a muslim. We both are not practising our religion (I don’t consider myself to be a strict muslim and it doesn’t matter to me). My family loves him but have said they don’t want to be involved in any way in our engagement or wedding preparation. I’ve only got ONE auntie who is attending my engagement party and the rest is just refusing to acknowledge the fact that I’ve chosen the person him as my life partner.

I have accepted the fact that my family will disown me and not want to be involved with me anymore but my partner being a soft hearted person, he insists that we are not going to shut the door on my family even if they want to shut their door on us. So when he travels to Singapore (where I am from) he visits my dad and my aunties but every time he goes there they keep touching on the religion issue how they want him to convert and so on. We both feel that there is no need for him to do this because we do not intend to lead our lives the muslim way and that there was no point to do this just for the sake of one wedding day and to get them to accept him as part of the family.

I am always a happy person but lately my sister can’t stop getting her face into my business. She messages me over the phone and says nasty things to me like I am bringing shame to the family and that our marriage is illegitimate and that our future child is also illegitimate. Thing is to me, a marriage is a union between two people and that it should be celebration and that all child, doesn’t matter what religion they are born in are gifts itself from God. I feel nothing but hurt in my hear that my family are reacting this way, that they would love their religion more than they do love their own daughter. You can be disapproving of our marriage but that doesn’t mean you can’t put aside your pride for a day and be with me on my wedding day as my family. Family and religion to me are two separate issues. I still love my father, sister and the rest of my families but even if there was no religion I would still love them all the same and that doesn’t change anything. Sometimes, I question myself if I’m being selfish or I’m doing the wrong thing but deep inside in my heart I know that I am marrying a wonderful man that will be a good husband and father to my childrens.

I still don’t know what else I can do to change their minds, I would love for them to be part of my wedding but even if they don’t, I just want them to stop inflicting sadness and pain into our lives. My mom passed away 3 years ago, I know what if she were here, she would

[Emotionally Dead]

We only live once. It is cliche, but it is true. We don't get another chance in this life, this is it. Trust me, don't waste it worrying about what other people think, even if it is your family. If your family chooses to disown you for this, so be it. Ask yourself one question - is he worth it? If the answer then yes, who cares what they think. Family should not choose to disown you for who you are marrying, especially just because he has a different religion. Love is blind. It is also, in my opinion, the most important thing in life. I hate to tell you to ignore your family, but if they are getting in the way of your happiness then I would. This is your life to live, not their life. These are your choices. Be happy and forget about anyone who wants to get in the way.

[Chuckleberry]

Indeed, it is upsetting that your family do not want to be involved with wedding plans. However, I think that once your family realize how happy and settled you are with this man, with the stable life he can provide and the loving encouragement he gives you to fulfill your dreams, they will realize that your love surpasses religion and culture.
You must focus on your long term future. Continue to encourage your family to join you in your wedding plans but be calm and composed when they decline to do so. This will demonstrate your maturity which they will no doubt respect you for in time.

Best wishes.

[Leed]

I have to agree that one your family sees how happy you are, this disagreement will fall away. I know it's upsetting to you, but this is your wedding, and your once in a lifetime day. So go on with your plans.

Personally I don't think families should interfere with two people who love each other. They may disagree with the religion of each person, but what does it matter. As long as they each believe in a Power greater than themselves, so what? They can each worship in their own way if they so desire, and it's up to the couple how they raise their children. The inlaws should have no business in that. I'm sure the inlaws raised their own children how THEY believed.

So be happy -- try not to let the family upset you too much. They will warm up iin time. Just thoroughly enjoy your special day, and have a happy life!! Best wishes! Hugs, Lee

[Vibe]

I'm from a completely different culture than you are and could be completely wrong about all this. So take what I have to say with a grain of salt.

This just sounds like manipulation on your family's part. I don't think they actually want you gone from their lives if you marry this guy. They just don't want you marrying him or want him to convert if he's going to marry you.

I like your fiance's approach for now. Be nice to them and keep them involved in your lives, but stay very firm on the issue. Nothing is going to change, but you still love them and will give them some time to accept things. I'd even send them wedding invitations, but don't expect them to come. You can let them know that it hurts that their love is so conditional, but it won't change anything about you or him. It only hurts their relationship with you. Don't get too emotional or flustered about it. Be very self-assured but also patient sounding. Kind of like when a responsible person deals with children who are throwing a tantrum.

See what happens after you're married for awhile. If they don't start to lighten up, then you may have to take the Dan Savage approach and disown them until they can accept your husband. At some point your father will probably want to see his grandchildren.

I agree with the others in that its best to carry on the way you are for now and see how the situation pans out. Why should you deny yourself a chance at happiness? You will still love your family and accept them for all their faults so the only people really missing out here is them. I don't see why if they like your fiance they can't be more accepting of him - perhaps in time the issue will soften but you'll just have to wait and see. There is nothing you can do to change either them or their beliefs so carry on being the good daughter that you are and enjoy building a new life with your wonderful fiance. As for your sister i would be more strict - say that you will not engage with her if she has nothing constructive to say and bar her number until she stops what is quite frankly rather nasty abuse. Family aren't the be all and end all and no you're not in a particular pleasant situation with yours at the moment but if your fiance have a wonderful family and you love being around both them and him then at least you have this. I hope the situation improves for you - when it comes down to it you are their little girl, i doubt they will be able to banish you from their lives forever. All the best.

Originally Posted by crunkbabe

I still don’t know what else I can do to change their minds

In simple terms, you cant. Only they can.

I can only hope that your happiness will one day become more important to them than religion. Its ignorant (apologies) and people like that hit the news every day. Such a shame - religion was not meant to be abused this way.

Until then your only choice is to lead your life the best you can, and do everything to make you & your new exciting life as good as possible. If that means backing off from your family (esp taking no more calls from your sister until she calms down or swapping numbers if the texts continue), then so be it. Its really really tough, I know (I do not see any of my family now), but at least your partner has come up with the idea of always leaving the door open to them - just make sure its on your terms - ie no more abuse. And no, you're not being selfish - everyone deserves a chance at happiness and you're just going for yours.

I wish you all the very best, and I hope you'll be happy with or without them. You'll have a new family soon of your own.

[Trippin2.0]

The other posters have already said everything that I would've regarding your family, so all I want to say is CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR UPCOMING NUPTUALS! I hope you 2 have a long happy life together