[psytan]

Who I am:
Female - 28 years old - got married last May
Only has a partial left ovary
I am 200 lbs and 5'2 in height
I am half chinese but I am dark
Best or possible diagnosis of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

Where it Started:
When I was 5 I remember spying on my mom - to see if behind my back she was talking to someone else and if she had another family when I'm not around. That was weird I thought, before that, when she was pregnant with my little brother she used to hit me, bite me, slap me and all. I was a battered child back then. It was hard, hurtful and scary but that didn't stop me from loving her - in fact I loved her even more and even though I was so caring with my little brother I always looked at him as my competitor. I get jealous often.

Family:
My mom was only the second wife - and life was just okay. Though my dad was a scary person like a god where you need to obey him or he will say bad words and will shout all day long. Nothing is good enough for him. My mom was okay, she can be very jealous of the first wife and she was a workaholic

Friends:
I have friends though when I was young I was bullied so in the latter years, I stood up and became the aggresor. Lately almost all the people I meet are traitors, after trusting them so badly they would just spread bad rumors about me. I don't even think I can trust people. They would confront me and say to me all the "bad" things that they think I am or they think I am not doing right. Because I want to be accepted I would just often cry and accept that I am a failure. Some say they do that cause they care but I don't know. I just tend to be uneasy around them more and more and prefer to be alone.

Relationships:
Only had 3 boyfriends, the first one convinced me to elope and it was traumatizing cause he had given me drugs. The second one is 4 years my junior and he was an underdog. I can tell him to jump and he would, he loved me so much but this gave me the feeling of boredom and he doesn't have a decent job so i left him. Now the third, this was accidental, he doesn't have the physical appearance that gets me attracted but somehow I fell for him. we were friends and we did it, we had sex and after that we had a mutual understanding. It was very scary for me because he is so charming and I was insecure, I know he was a playboy and definetely a flirt too. I was so afraid that he won't take this seriously. Since he was my friend I know his past and it's killing me. I know he was already 34 that time and he wanted a baby then I was diagnosed to have a dermoid cyst and was in a major operation. Even if we were just 3 months back then he gave me money (his savings) and he said it doesn't matter if I won't have kids anymore.

Him:
This is the first time that this has happened to me. It was different I was inlove. Though I was also insecure - so badly. He is so charming and he knows that. He feels he can help people and he likes being friends with the opposite sex. He would tease them and be so kind and sweet and people would love him or even fall for him I was so afraid. He is secretive and I don't know who was his past, if he cried for a girl etc. He has this motto that if he has enough he will just leave. That's it. He is also stubborn that he will do what he wants and what makes him happy. He only finished high school but he knows hard labor and he has dreams. He can be funny, caring, serious and over all he is enigmatic.
He doesn't want to have sex often too. He said we are not ready to have kids (financial and my emotional stability) but when he was drunk he said to me - cause i didn't cum when we have intercourse that he feels useless and he doesn't want to anymore i said i want to so badly but he said he doesn't want me to be the one who's making the first move.

My Behaviour:
* I feel bad that I am fat. I feel ugly and dark. I hate my body and It's like I hate myself
* It started with crying and being jealous over his past to being tormented that he may have another one besides me
* I was paranoid and since I was the only one working and he got back to school (I enrolled him for those government training to be a computer technician) he got all excited and I was jealous of his classmates (girls aged 16-19). He would befriend them and he was all caring and all which caused me to think over and over. Then He met another girl aged 17 at another class - he took her number and made friends with her saying that it's nothing, he said he was curious because she was aloof and a snob... (always a challenge for him) one day I saw a reply from the girl saying "just sleep okay, you're just tired lol ill tell your wife" - like who wouldnt think bad about that and he said he was just teasing her. I called the girl and talked to her - in all fairness she almost got raped and that's why she was like that. Then they stopped and we got married and we were okay then we were doing a major cleaning at the house - he left a sim in a table and i checked it out and there was only one number - he said it was nothing that a friend gave it to him but it has the same number as his other number like the last 2 were the only different digits therefore he bought it at the same time - he secretly kept that sim so he can text her. When he said to me before that "don't be jealous cause I am honest, do you want me to be like other guys who has another sim?" yet he did it! It was hell and he was my first love - my first heart break! I also know now that he asked her to go on lunch with him saying it's a friendly lunch. This is crazy. This caused me to drink acid and attempt suicide.
* Now I am worst than ever - everyday thinking and thinking, I'm afraid that he will meet new girls and everygirl I check, every person who adds him, texts him ALL of them.
* His bestfriend and 2nd cousin is in another country and he has a new gf, the girl is very fair, long hair, tall and sexy. Like all of their friends are engtertaining her, making her feel welcome. So they asked my husband to assist her in something - like a favor and I wouldn't let him I got so mad and I wanted to kill them all. For me NO I don't want him to get to know that girl. They are all mad at me like am crazy that it's the girl of their friend and for me - NO... They haven't seen each other and what, they want my husband to befriend her? Yes I am insecure, I am crazily jealous of everyone. I am crying everyday.
- I don't know - maybe I am obsessed but it's hard for me too. this is not easy. it's hard. I can't let him go and have fun because I know he is a flirt and he is - he said so too but he was asking for my trust - how can I give that when he broke it. How can you trust someone who said he kept a sim because he didn't want issues and it's a white lie when he can just have stopped that.
-- I think too much that's why i don't cum. But I love sex and he is the only one I want...
- he wants to befriend girls but i know he hasn't done any cheating acts but sure he tried sex chat and flirty texts but I am not the person who can handle that especially if I have BPD... I can't work, I can't think right. I want to kill myself to stop all of this now. It's hard.... Really hard.

[Leed]

Sweetie, your husband seems very immature. It sounds like he's just not ready to be married. He keeps flirting and gettiing numbers from other girls --- there is no way you're going to change him. You can't change people. Only THEY can change themselves.

You can talk to him and tell him that what he is doing hurts you -- but I have a feeling it is just going to make him mad. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy that is going to be very compassionate. I wouldn't want you to make him mad.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to wait for him to grow up, or you're going to have to LEAVE him. You don't have to put up with this kind of behavior. you DON'T have proof that he's cheating, so if he's just flirting, then you don't have much to worry about. But if you find proof that he IS cheating, then I would leave. But right now, you're ok. So just wait for him to grow up.

I wish you the very best. I'm sorry you married such a little boy. LOL. Take care sweetie and don't worry so much. Hugs, Lee