Sad and Confused

I am so confused right now. So much has happened in my life and I just don't know what to do. My husband and I have been together for 7 years but just got married 6 months ago. We have been through a lot, starting with him being married and me cheating on him. I have had a lot of issues with self esteem, confidence and relationships. Prior to my husband I had only been in one other somewhat serious relationship. My husband and I come from two completely different backgrounds and we are both from different cultures/races. I am not a good communicator. When my husband found out I cheated we separated for a year then decided to get back together and get married. Since then we spent the first month of being married arguing and disagreeing. He trusted me with the finances and I made a complete mess of things to the point where I used his credit card and used all of our savings. Now he can't trust me and we've been sleeping in separate rooms. I am so lost and confused because he tells me how disappointed he is and how much I have hurt him. I am trying to get better at communicating but I seem to make things worse. He has been leaving at odd hours and comes home late now. Something he never did before. I don't know how to deal with that. I'm not sure if I should be worried or if I just need to let him be. I feel very lonely, sad and confused. I just don't know what to do.

Hi ~ First of all, the fact that you cheated when you were DATING shouldn't be an issue anymore, because obviously he forgave you because you got married. He doesn't throw that in your face, does he? If he does, that's WRONG. That was BEFORE you got married, and that should have been put to rest.

Secondly, yes, you made some mistakes with the finances. You should have asked for help when you saw that you were in trouble. You should NOT have gotten into the savings!! But it's over and done, and now it's time to fix things. He's not fixing things by leaving at odd hours, and coming home late at night! He's just making things worse. They way I see it is he's "paying you back" for what YOU did, even before you got married!!! He wants you to see what it feels like to be cheated on so he's making you worry. That is really lousy, and a rotten thing to do. Like I said, you weren't even married then. Now, I might be totally WRONG about what he's doing but I don't think so.

Why not ask him if he'll go to couples counseling? It would do you both good, and get some of these issues out on the table. Then you could get them taken care of once and for all. The therapist will be the mediator! I hope you will. It could save the marriage. Best of luck and God bless. Let us know what happens, ok? We do care! Hugs, Lee

Thank you, your words at least give me hope that I am not completely wrong. He has said he forgave me but I still feel that he hasn't. He treats me like he is punishing me for all the wrongs I have done. What makes it even more difficult is that he is a counselor himself. I had mentioned going to counseling for myself and he suggested that I try talking to him. I don't think it could work because he is emotionally invested as well. He has completely alienated me and I feel like I'm in his way. We aren't even sleeping in the same room and he gave me back his wedding band as well as taken my wedding rings back. The way I see things is that we should be working together to fix this not separate from each other. He holds on to things and dwells. The other thing is that he wants me to pay back every cent that I used. I understand that I should replace the money but not in the fashion of punishment. I don't know if that makes sense but I want to work together and he doesn't. That is really hard to deal with.

"He trusted me with the finances and I made a complete mess of things to the point where I used his credit card and used all of our savings." - has it been an isolated incident or do you do such things repeatedly (using up savings without regard to the consequences)? I am asking because if it happens more than once, it might be a symptom of a disorder called "bipolar" and you need treatment rather than guilt trips. If he is a counselor, he should be familiar with bipolar symptomatology.