[cluelesscher]

Hi. Happy Wednesday.

So, I wonder if anyone can relate.

My husband is insecure and has very low self-esteem. I have spent the entirety of our marriage focusing on him and trying to make sure he's happy - left family and friends behind to move to another state so he could pursue his dream job, ignored my needs to make life easier on him, it goes on and on (I take responsibility for the effect those things have had on me at this point, I was just too blind to see how it affected me as a person). I realize now, I have lost my identity and am irritated and don't respect him anymore. I can't even point out which exit he needs to get off at while we are driving without him blowing up at me - "I'm not stupid, I KNOW." It is walking on eggshells to the extreme. I cannot say anything that even hints at helping him - it is interpreted as me trying to take charge or control or putting him down, or something. It is to the point where we are now sleeping in separate bedrooms (I stay up late, he gets up early) and if his cat chooses to sleep with me instead of him, he gets his feelings hurt. WHAT is going on? How can I help him? It's miserable. We never go out with other people because he is content to sit home all weekend and play video games. He works and is around people all week, I am still unemployed and alone so, so much of the time. I go out and do my thing here and there but I mean, I'm still alone. Not to mention, I am dealing with major depression myself and in treatment for it (among a couple of other minor health issues). It's like he can't handle life's challenges, so I have been trying to handle them for both of us. "It's going to get better, there is always hope, etc." - but at the same time, feeling useless and worthless myself. It is bizarre and it blows. I want us to both be happy but at this point I can't stand him but feel guilty for that, too. I keep suggesting marriage counseling but it just falls to the wayside. I have suggested he see a therapist himself, but "he's not unhappy" he claims. You know, *I'm* the one with depression. He's just fine. (the way he sees it) I don't know how much longer I can live this way.

[manda21]

I'm sad to say I don't really have any advice to offer.

But, I can kinda relate. My husband & yours seem to have depression. Mine gets in moods where I can't say anything without him taking it the wrong way. I assume it is because he is depressed, and he can't help it. I try to think of it that way, but I can't help but feel resentment as I've given up a lot for him, too.

My opinion, for what it's worth: You can't make him happy. You need to put your needs first. You can't spend your life giving up what you want for him. Neither of you will be happy, then. He needs to realize himself that he has a problem (insecurity, low self-esteem, depression, whatever it is), and that he needs to work on that.

[Leed]

Aw jeez bless your heart. This is miserable. Living with someone who needs help but won't acknowledge it and won't GET it is more than frustrating. It's enough to make you want to tear your hair out! Believe me, I know.

All I can tell you is that you need to make sure that YOU get well. Just concentrate on YOU, and don't worry about him. He's responsible for himself. If he doesn't want to be happy, then so be it. You can't do THAT for him. You've walked on egg shells long enough. It's just time for you to heal yourself.

You can't handle HIS life challenges for him. HE's got to do that. Just leave everything that has to do with HIM to HIM.

I hope you're in therapy. If you're not, find a good therapist. You'll be glad you did. It's got to be all about YOU at this point. YOu've spent enough time on him. He's got to work on himself from now on. God bless and please take care. If you ever need to talk, let me know and keep us posted on how you're doing, ok? Hugs, Lee