I don't know who I am anymore. My anger scares me.

I go back to him thinking that Ill get vindication by making him feel the guilt for cheating on me. Making him feel guilt and shame for cheating on me. I have a kind hear and genuinely care for people but my own pain and anger has turned me into someone that I don't even recognize anymore.

Instead of just cutting him out of my life, it is just too easy for him to forget my pain. I keep him around so that I can inflict the same emotional pain he put upon me. He ask for me to forgive him. He begs me to go back to him. He pleas for me to believe him that he loves me. I pretend and give him hope that I might give him a chance.

Instead the plan is I just want him to be emotionally torture as much as he has inflicted the betrayal upon me.

Who am I? This anger scares me.

Please do both of you a favor then and make a clean break. That isn't fair to either of you and will end in just more pain and disaster. Move on.

Jenn1fer,

Your post is pretty insightful. You are knowingly giving your bf a slight sense of hope to pull the rug out from underneath him as he becomes more & more devoted to you. It isn't a healthy behavior, which you recognize as well.

Imo, you're dealing with a double-edged sword. Not only are you hurting your bf, but you are hurting yourself. You are a nice person ~ you were hurt by your bf's affair and became angry. You need to talk about your feelings honestly. Anger, self-blame, and sorrow are all waiting to be worked through. I think that you need to take a break from your bf completely. No more emotional games...those games only hold you back to suffer longer.

Gentle hugs to you ~ take care!

I think you are in lots of emotional pain right now therefore causing you to lash out

I was listening to Chris Rock videos on you tube yesterday and one of them focused on people in love and if you hadn't want to hurt them unnecessarily (not his words exactly) then you haven't been in love before...I'm not trying to make light of the situation but when we're betrayed by a partner we become someone we didn't know. It might be good to take some time apart, if you can - but it's hard either way. Hugs.