[odhiambo]

I am a twenty five year old female and got married last year at the age of twenty four. I was lead to believe he loved me.Let me start from the beginning he is from Kenya and when we first got together he told me that he may be marrying some one to stay in this country. I being the person i am said you do not have to do that I will marry you and so after meeting in February we were married by April. Things started to go south real fast to the point that I moved out in may. I have not gone back since and I know that in a relationship it takes two people. We just were not working out. I recently found out he is dating some one else. Or as he says it he is having a friend with benefits. I accepted this but we fight so much over this. I know if i divorce him that he will have to go back to kenya. He says that he loved me and did not use me but in my heart i feel like he did. I just feel when you are married you are there for the long haul. We are friends if you can use the word losely but that is it. If I have to give him something it seems like she is always there. I want in my heart to just move on and let him be happy and live his life but a part of me feels like i should make this work. I am not angel either i have kissed another guy and yet even knowing he is with this girl i am willing to forgive him. I just wish that my heart would heal enough to let him be happy but all i think about is how could you do this and than tell me to accept it. I try so hard to defend him and tell the world he did not use me but it goes in one ear an out the other. When things are good between us they are really good and when they are bad they are really bad. I just wish i knew what to do. Is not talking to him the answer. I mean all in all i still get him things I Still make sure he is happy but in the end i feel like i am dieing inside and i am to young. I have recently started moving on I do not call as much and i let his life be how it is, but deep down inside i just want to cry. If anyone out there can offer me some advice i would be glad to hear it.

Hi there. From what you wrote it appears that you are the only one trying to make this work. But the problem is that if he is not keen on being one woman's man, you won't be able to change it.

I understand you want him to be happy. But just staying with him so he does not have to go back to Kenya is not what you should use as a guide. Because you are hurting in the process. Not talking to him is not an option either. I think it is best you both sit down and talk this through. Can he, and does he *want* to be with you and only you? If not, are you really prepared to go through a marriage of convenience just to make him happy? This is going to be hard on *you*. So, i think you really should reconsider what *you* want out of this union.

If he is taking you for granted, then you should let him go. You can't take the responsibility for that. After all, he did admit that he might marry someone just to stay in the country... In my opinion, you should think of your happiness first and move on.

[wounded1]

Hi there. First, let me say I am sorry for your pain. I'm in the middle of a similar situation, but thankfully, both of us want it to work. In your case, I don't think you are getting, or will get, the love you deserve from this man.

If I were you, I would sever all ties for a while. Years ago, when I loved a man who couldn't love me back, I didn't speak to, see, or email him for six months. It gave my heart a chance to heal, and my brain a chance to sift through everything. At the end of the tunnel, I came out healthy mentally and ready to move on.

Once again, in my Mother's wise words: "Never settle for less than you deserve. If you're not happy, change it."

Feel free to PM me anythime.

wounded1

I personally would not offer to or marry anyone who says they may have to marry someone in order to remain in this country. Who knows what and why they came to this country to begin with that they may be hiding and them saying that right there tells me their motive for marrying me would most likely NOT be because of love. Also alot of american people who ended up marrying someone from another country has ended up regretting it because they did not fully understand that persons background and rules of that other psersons country and religion. For example the mamoody story. She dist find out until she went to that other country and found out that by her husbands laws the children belong to the husbands and the wives have no rights.All she did was go visit relatives and ended up kidnapped, held hostage and daughter taken from her for spaces of time.

So me marry someone I just barely met and that person says - I may have to marry someone to stay in this country? NOPE.

[(JD)]

It makes me sad that you are in this situation. When I was younger I would have told you to stay in the marriage at all costs (except physical abuse.) I like to think I'm wiser now...but still honor the marriage contract.

It appears that this was flawed from the beginning, and I think you have inasmuch said that. Couples counseling would be my first suggestion. If both of you are not into making this work, beginning now, then I would say, get out while you can, with as little invested as possible.. and chalk it up as a mistake you won't make again. It does little to stay in this without doing something different, imo.

[bebop]

I hate to say it but my feeling is he did marry you to stay in this country. my daughter was offered alot of money to marry someone from another country. I told her she better not go there! I am so sorry you are going thru this though but like another poster said you seem to be the only one trying to make it work. hang in there.

[Maven]

I agree with myself.

He married you to stay in this country. He might tell you he loves you, but I really don't think he does. I think he tells you this because he knows you weaken. If he loved you he wouldn't have a "friend with benefits." That's a bunch of bull.

You are not responsible for keeping him in this country. You married him to help him, and he's treated you this way? He's a user and a scumbag. If staying in this country was so important to him, he would have respected your choice of marrying him and not cheated on you.

Besides what myself said on the risks of marrying a man from another country when you don't know much about him or his country's laws, you could get in trouble in your own country for marrying him under false pretenses. I know you can in the United States, anyway.

I'm mad that you did this for him, and he's treated you this way, and it's not even my problem! You don't deserve this. You have to do what you feel is right for you, but I'll be honest: I'd dump him, and move on. Don't worry about him, because he apparently doesn't worry about you. Don't let him sweet-talk you. Look at his actions...they speak louder than words.