[charm111]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half now but didn’t make it official till 6 months ago. My boyfriend loves to travel whether with a friend, with me or by himself. It's always been his dream to see the world. He’s on his mid 30’s and I’m on my early 30’s. He sort of own his time because he’s self employed that’s why he can take vacation for a month or 2 without a problem. If he’s going by himself, he’s the type of traveler that doesn’t really plan. He just go to places and when he’s done exploring it, then he’ll proceed to the next destination, wherever that may be. I, on the other hand, has a regular 9-6 job with only 2 weeks of vacation allocated in a year.

He’s taking a month vacation in Asia without me then we’ll meet in my home country for 2 weeks after that. Prior to him leaving, I asked if he can come back home with me after our trip to my home country because I do not want to be alone on New Years. But just like his personality, he said that he’s not sure because if he still feels like travelling, he wants to grab that opportunity to go because this is the time of the year that his business is slow. I asked if we can compromise since he's already been gone for a month without me. He explained to me that he worked so hard to come to this point that he’ll have that freedom to travel. He said, that he loved for me to go but I only have 2 weeks of vacation allocated, which I’ll be using on that 2 week trip to my home country with him. Then I asked again if he could come back home to me for New Years. And he said that this is his dream to travel and that another week or 2 of additional vacation for shouldn’t be a matter of discussion or argument. I asked again because I really want to be with him on New Years and that’s when he said he doesn’t want to compromise his dream.

It bothered me when he said he doesn’t want to compromise because I’m not asking him to not do things. I’m not even preventing him to travel, I’m just asking him to make some adjustments so I can be comfortable, too. Since the possibility of this happening is very probable, I asked if he would compromise with me in the future. Like if we can agree on the length of time he's going or the time of the year he's going. He said it depends in the circumstance. He said that he wants to feel free to do what he wants, his dreams and everything in between without restrictions (because he feels like me trying to negotiate is giving him restrictions). He said he wants me to support and encourage him that he’s realizing his dream instead of negotiating with him. He further said that, he really wants to be with me. That he wants to share a part, some or all of it with me… whatever is possible. But his dreams are as important as me.

Am I being selfish or is he being selfish? I’m trying to find ways to compromise but I feel like the compromise is only going in one direction. I’m not sure if I need to just completely back off and cave in or if there is a bigger signal here. I love him with all my heart so I’d like to understand him and make things work but should I just settle for what he wants and ignore my wants?

[LoveU]

I learn from the book it said that if you truly love some one, let them be at their best and do not have to be together all the time. I think you already know he loves to travel then you have to learn how to accept that he may not be around you whenever you want him. This is not about you being selfish or he is selfish but about do not make him feels like you are dragging him down with your wants. Now a day, with high tech, he may be thousand miles away but still can call or talk to you face to face in the internet if you miss him...If I were you and love him dearly I will let him goes with his dream. You can not keep the bird who want to fly. Best wish

[Anika.]

In my opinion relationships do come with some comprimise from both people. Both people ivolved do need to factor each other in.

Now.. What are your dreams? And no you should not just settle to meet his wants and ignore your own. Both peoples needs and wants need to be met. Wants can be altered a bit so both people get some of what they want. Some of our needs we can meet ourselves. Unfortunatly I don't think think a healthy relationship is only about considering one person tho. I realize he has worked hard to get where he is, but did he not consider this stuff before getting in a relationship? There must be a way to have you both feeling fulfilled.

Will he be there to support and encourage your dreams as well?

I don't think it's selfish on your part at all. You want to be with someone that you love and that's pretty typical, especially in the first year of a relationship. I'm looking at this and I see a guy that has his priorities set. He clearly places more value on the traveling time he has over the relationship. That's not to say its wrong or right, but it is just the way he is. Whether or not you want to be with someone that puts your relationship second is something you'll have to assess yourself. But it's clearly how it is and he's not willing to bend on this. On the one hand it's true compromise can come from either end in this but if it were me I would wonder if that will ever change, how long he'll want to pursue his dream over the relationship and whether I'd want to wait. You never know, he may be satisfied after awhile and settle but at this point, he just doesn't sound like someone that wants to be tied down at all.

[Maven]

I'm with Anika and s4ndmn2006. Relationships require compromises sometimes. I'm a person who believes you should go for your dreams, but you still have to take into consideration other people's needs and desires. You don't sound like you're being unreasonable, so I think he's being selfish to not be willing to miss one trip for you.

[charm111]

We pretty much get along and compromise with the other matter in our relationship. This has just some weight on me because first, I don't like the feeling of him being gone for more than a month, especially during this holiday season. We pretty much living in together as I always stay at his place and have at least half of my stuff at his place, and him being gone is very unusual for me. Second, I don't want him going alone because I want to experience his new discoveries with me.

LoveU... yes, we talk a lot over the phone or bbm chat during this past 2 weeks that he's gone. But we can't do a video call because he only brought his 1st gen iPad and that doesn't have a camera. And our blackberry phones are not able to do video chat as well.

Anika, s4ndmn2006 and Maven... With regards to my dreams, I'm very much sure he'll support and encourage me. He even helped me achieve some of my goals and I know he still will in the future. And with his previous relationships, he mostly travel with his exes it's just that I can't do it all the time with him because my time is very limited. He's coming with me to my home country for a 2 week vacation after his 1 month vacation in Asia but my only gripe is that if he wants to extend his vacation, i'll be alone on New Years. And up until now, he still has not decided if he's coming back with me for New Years.

[jadzea]

Your BF sounds like my husband. It is nothing for him to leave the house on Saturday morning. When I ask him where he is going he says he is exploring. He goes wherever his nose leads him and comes home some time after dark. He also may go off for several days. He can't tell me where his is going or what he is going to do because he doesn't know. I insisted on going with him when we first got together and found I was totally bored. I discovered that his time away was perfect time for me to pursue activities and interests that he does not enjoy. When we get back together we are both happy and enjoy our time together more.

I don't think he would change his plans for me if I asked him to or not. I've never asked. I do not own him. He does not own me. We are together because we want to be. As time has gone on we find we spend more time together. It works for us. Maybe it will work for you if you explore your interests as has been suggested.

I agree with jadzea that it could quite well work for you two but it's just up to the level of commitment you have to this relationship because if you are commited you'll be patient for him. after reading more of what you said in your second post, it sounds like it's mostly a good relationship you have and it sounds like you do care for him a lot so maybe it's worth it. I still think his priorities are not where I would want them to be in a relationship, but maybe that will work out in time or you'll be able to spend time going with him more later. I hope that's the case. My only gripe at this point really is his "open-ended" ideology about his dreams. I still think he sounds pretty non-commital in that he is not even at least willing to commit to whether his vacation will end in one month or not. Its like he wants to keep his options open and you're still second on his list. But if you're ok with that or can figure out how to deal with that then yes it can work out.