Unrequited: Friendship level. Help?

Hello.

So, I don't really have friends. I've started college in October and after a few weeks during which I basically sat by myself and didn't bother with trying to get to know people, I've decided to make an effort. I think I've made 2 or 3 acquaintances and I'd like to turn them into friends, but I just can't seem to be able to do that.

The thing is that, these people that I've been talking to are all normal (unlike me) and all have friends AND have made friends since college started and I find it.... extremely hard, verging on impossible to go and talk with them when they're in a group acting all friendly and laughing and whatnot. I'm not needed there and I don't really have anything to offer - I mean I'm not funny or anything and what could possibly top a conversation that makes you laugh?

It just eats me up whenever I see them laughing and acting friendly (friendlier?) with other people and I just... almost shut down and am incapable doing anything.

In particular, on Monday, these two guys (that I've talked to before) decided to skip a class and head out for coffee and on the hallway they just took this girl and said 'you should come with us', while I was standing there. I still can't believe how much that hurt me; I went home and cried for half an hour, then inflicted minor self injury for the first time ever. Yeah, it's pathetic and whatnot, but still..

I just... and this girl they asked to go with them, I've been to high-school with her and I just get the impression she's the kind of girl who thinks 'pain is cool' and I just think she's not trying as hard as me. No, scratch that, I KNOW she's not trying as hard, because I highly doubt that she went and read all the articles on the first page of Google results on 'how to start a conversation' and 'how to make friends'. Yet, she already has their instant messaging usernames, phone numbers and they talk about little stuff and laugh.... and I just feel like dying every time I see it happen. I know I'm a horrible person because of it, but that's how I feel.

So, the questions of this thread: How can I make it clear I want to be friends with those guys (I should probably mention I'm scared to death of initiating activities outside of college)? How do I seem more approachable? I know I'm supposed to smile and act positive and I try, but like I said, when they're already having a good time with other people... I just feel useless. Obviously, I'm also not doing great of speaking in groups. How not to get distracted by them being friends with other classmates, while only being acquaintances with me? I do try to get to know them, ask them questions about themselves and try to have good conversations, but again; if there are other people around, I'll probably just shut up like the idiot I am. Do they think I only talk to them when we're alone and not when we're in a group because I don't care for them?

I know it's a long post, and drowned in self-pity... but I really want to be friends with these guys and it obsessed me to no end. I have a seminary in an hour.

Well, if you're talking with them and others show up, try to be friendly with the others too. Make sure you acknowledge them, saying "hi, how are you" etc., and perhaps starting a conversation with one of THEM. You might ask them what class they just came from or are going to, or their name, etc. You might ask them what dorm they live in.

Just try to loosen up. It sounds like you're a ball of nerves, and as stiff as a board. Try to relax -- yes, I know it's easier said than done, but just try. And keep trying. If you don't look like you're going to jump out of your skin, they might think you're more approachable.

And try not to worry -- keep a smile on your face. That's what is attractive. They don't want to see a frown. I know you're scared & anxious. but try to keep smiling. This is all scary -- I understand, I really do cause I'm alot like you. But just keep trying and pretty soon it will be natural. It won't be a chore. God bless and keep us posted will you? I'd love to know how things go. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks, Lee!

Hmm... I think that's manageable, to acknowledge and try to talk to others if they show up AFTER I've started talking with the person. But what if the person is already talking with others? That's what's scary and what is usually happening, and the reason I don't get to talk much with them. Cause they're already having a good time, so I'm like 'well, can't top that, might as well shut up'. Know what I mean?

Meh, I'll see how things go on Monday; today, I only managed to wave goodbye at him when I left.

I'll try to loosen up, though. Gosh, I sound like a teen who's having his first crush. :/

Anyone else want to contribute?

Have you looked into school clubs to find people with similar interests?

There are none. :P

Wow, I never thought someone else experienced stuff so similar to what I did. When I started college last year, I went to this summer camp before hand and I became friends with the people that I went to that camp with. But a semester later, I was pushed out of the group. Not intentionally, they were great people and would never do something like this on purpose. They just slowly stopped inviting me places. I remember one night, while I was walking back to my dorm, I ran into most of the group. They stopped to tell me that they were going to see a movie, but they didn't invite me to go along, and that hurt. And when I was invited to hang out with them, I would hear about all these awesome outings that they went on without me, which also hurt. At that point, I decided that I needed to get some new friends who would hang out with me.

So the next semester, I attempted to become friends with several people. In one class, I was lucky enough that a talkative person decided to sit next to me and we became friends. But I didn't have much luck outside of that. You could also say that I became friends with some people in a class where we had to work in groups, but it was the kind of friend that only talks to you in that class and never really wants to hang out outside of it.

But now I'm in the same boat as you. I had to transfer to a cheaper school because I couldn't afford the college that I was at. It's been a semester and I still haven't found any friends. And, like you, I'm not entirely sure how. College is so different from high school. In high school classes, you regularly talk to people who sit around you, but in college classes, it seems like most people either already have friends that they sit with, or they stick to themselves. So, something that I would suggest you try, and something that I'm going to try myself next semester is to find the people that are sticking to themselves and start a conversation. That's what that talkative girl who I befriended did, and it worked quite well for her. The whole reason they're sticking to themselves is because they don't know anyone too well, which means that they are wide open for befriending. And when you run into that person's already established friends, try to become part of the group.

Remember that all relationships are a two way street. Something that I learned at that first college was that they cannot be the only ones inviting you to hang out. You also have to invite them to do things, or they may think that you don't really want to be friends.

Thanks for sharing that, krosis...

I really have no problem giving... so long as they want me to give. And I want a way to know for sure, lol. :P