How do I deal with my boyfriend's child?

Hi, I'm new here and I'm really looking for people in the same or similar situation and how they dealt with it. So here is my story:

I'm a 22 year old college student and I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We have our fights but overall we re very happy together and can't stand being away from each other.
I knew from day one we started dating that he had child from his ex. He stayed with his ex for about four months and they broke up quite badly, to the point that my boyfriend almost attempted suicide. After a while she had a kid and said it was his. He did a DNA test and came back positive. Now because of different reasons, my boyfriend has seen his child only a couple of times. He knows he should be a good dad and see his 2 year old son more often than that but at the same time doesn't want anything to do with his ex and to an extend with his son.
I come from a very traditional family and I have very strong ideals. I do not know how to deal with him having this kid that I've never seen and how will our relationship evolve in the future if he decides to have the child in his life. He tells me that I am priority number one and as much as it flatters me, I am worried that if he doesn't care that much of his son, how will he care for any child we have together?
I also resent his family. We have language barrier and they do not approve much of us being too affectionate (such as holding hands in the street or a peck on the mouth from time to time). But his family seems all over the kid and talk to his ex more than my boyfriend does himself! For some reason this makes me feel unwelcome and makes me jealous of the child.
I know that when we will decide to have a child he will love him as much, dare I say, more than his son; but I am just scared of this child coming into our lives later on and how my boyfriend will react to that. Should I push to meet the child, spend time all together? I am also afraid of my boyfriend spending more time with him than our possible children just to make up for lost time.
So, how should I deal with all this?

Hi Vergil,

I was in a very similar situation as you are now, right around the same time in my life, as a matter of fact. The one big difference for my (then fiance) was that his ex-gf absolutely refused him any visitation rights. She wanted him to do nothing with their son, and seriously threatened to leave if he were to ever try to make contact.

It was a very difficult position for me to be in as well. I worried a lot about the future ~ whether or not my fiance could actually commit his love to me and children we eventually planned on having together. I felt guilty for being jealous. My fiance hadn't ever met his son, yet he deeply loved him from the moment that he learned about him! I also felt sad for my fiance and his son ~ it was unfair that the mom had all of the power. Her threats were enough to make my fiance back off.

We married another year or two later, and waited 10 years before having our own children. After a few years, my illness quickly went downhill & we separated when our girls were 2 and 4 years old. Amazingly, my ex-hub found his son on FB and they're slowly building a relationship. Our 8 and 10 year old daughters are now aunts, to 2 young boys. I was around until my ex-hub's son turned 21 y.o., so it's very strange for me not to feel attached in my own way as well.

I hope that you and your bf have better luck with visitation than my ex-hub had. It is important to establish and maintain his relationship with his son. If at all possible, your bf should try to let bygones be bygones and focus his attention on his son. Try to come up with a regular visitation schedule. As his son becomes older, and more independent, visitation periods could last longer & be less stressful.

Best wishes to you!

Hi,
Thanks for the reply! My boyfriend's ex did ask him to hand her over his right as a parent and I told him absolutely not, it's his child and he pays child support so he should have a right to see him. Of course my boyfriend agreed, so he could ask to have him around if he wanted. Right now we are in quite a tight financial situation and our apartment is small so it wouldn't be a good idea at all for a 2 year old.

After I wrote on this forum we had a long talk and we sorted some issues out and we came to an agreement that he would be committed to me and our possible future children in the big scheme of things and if the case came that his son would enter our lives, he would want all of us to be part of it and not just him (which is something I was afraid of). I know that my boyfriend is a man of his words, I just hope that he doesn't get blinded by love later on.
There is also a big possibility that we might move quite far away to where his ex lives so seeing his son would become very difficult so planning for the future is really hard in that sense.

Hi Vergil. Love the username. Shoulda nabbed that when I signed up.

I think Shezbut gave excellent advice, and I think you two made a very wise decision together regarding his son. You should both be proud.

I don't think he'll be blinded by love. Keep in mind, he'll, in the scenario you proposed, have children with you by the time this pops up. I don't think he'll have an issue showing equality, nor do I think you'll have to worry about him showing preferential treatment. It may be a little awkward with his son for a time, and they may require some additional catch up time, but I think once everyone adjusts, things will be just fine.

I wish you all my very best, and a very merry Christmas.

Hugs,
Harley

Hi Harley,
Thank you for the reply. I do think we are working it out quite ok.
I also have to admit that I still have a lot of growing up to do in this matter as some stupid stuff still bothers me when I perfectly know that it shouldn't ( for example the fact that the child has my boyfriends last name still makes me wonder why his ex chose to do that since they parted way so badly and it makes me kind of jealous, which is stupid)
Thank god my boyfriend is supportive most of the time ( except when I am asking a lot of questions and seeming bothered by it all) and tries to make me feel good and special

Merry Christmas to you too!