[hezaa82]

I'm in an unrequited love situation and it's really painful but I just don't want to give up my feelings for him.

Over the summer we got really close and we almost dated, but my neediness scared him off. I was so happy during that summer that we had together. I don't have a lot of friends and I haven't had a very happy life, but he made me feel cared for and wanted and I actually felt important to someone. I was so happy.

I know I have problems with getting addicted to a person or a relationship (codependency or love addiction). I didn't have a good family life so I've never had much self-esteem and never really experienced feeling wanted so I look for people who will give me that self-worth I don't have. My self-worth was riding on this guy so when he pulled away I couldn't handle it. I got really manipulative trying to get him to stay but that made it worse of course, and I lashed out at my friends. My life imploded in October and I've been doing a lot of self-work since then trying to get healthy. But I still can't let go of this guy.

It's hard because we work together one on one three days a week. Like I said I don't have a lot of friends, and I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else in my life. Our friendship makes me happy but at the same time I want more. I want that feeling of being his number one person again. He's started dating someone else now. I don't know whether to be happy that we're close friends or not. Maybe my standards of closeness are kind of skewed as well. We talk at work and we text sometimes but we never see each other outside of work, is that considered close? I'm probably doing myself a disservice by wanting more from him when he just wants to be work buddies.

I talked to another friend tonight and every time she mentioned the reality of it - he's dating someone, you'll get over it - it made me feel upset. I guess I don't want to accept the reality.

If he had moved away or something it wouldn't have hurt me so bad. It's the fact that he chose to reject me. I have a feeling it goes back to my childhood. I'm trying to replay my childhood trauma of trying to win my parent's love and wanting it to have a happy ending this time.

[Leed]

I think you hit the nail on the head. This goes back to your childhood. It isn't so much THIS guy, but any guy that shows you attention. It could have been any guy that you had gone out with and had fun with. It still would have gone back to your childhood.

I suggest that you get into therapy and work on this issue and perhaps others. It's important to take care of this so you CAN have healthy relationships and not "scare" guys away with neediness. I can certainly understand it, as I was totally ignored as a child. I was in therapy for years (I don't think YOU"D need it that long) and had my issues taken care of. I'm so glad I did, as otherwise I would have been alone.

I wish you the very best. Please take good care of yourself, and let us know what happens, okay? God bless and Happy Holidays. Hugs, Lee

[Scotty204]

It probably hurts alot but unfortunately he is dating someone new so you have to decide whether you want to keep him as a friend or not It may be too painful to see him with another girl or even knowing about it. Try inviting him out for a coffee or something and see how it goes. You could always stay friends until he becomes available again providing he wants to stay friends of course.

[hezaa82]

I have been in therapy for three years but here I am still codependent so it's discouraging. Maybe this therapist is just not a good match. I've been trying out a new therapist, I hope it's more successful.

[hoping4best]

Originally Posted by Leed

I think you hit the nail on the head. This goes back to your childhood. It isn't so much THIS guy, but any guy that shows you attention. It could have been any guy that you had gone out with and had fun with. It still would have gone back to your childhood.

I suggest that you get into therapy and work on this issue and perhaps others. It's important to take care of this so you CAN have healthy relationships and not "scare" guys away with neediness. I can certainly understand it, as I was totally ignored as a child. I was in therapy for years (I don't think YOU"D need it that long) and had my issues taken care of. I'm so glad I did, as otherwise I would have been alone.

I wish you the very best. Please take good care of yourself, and let us know what happens, okay? God bless and Happy Holidays. Hugs, Lee

i agree with Leed that you need to work on your 'neediness' and once you get a hold of it i believe you'll get over this guy much easily. and no, if he doesnt see you outside work then it doesnt mean that you are important to him in other aspects of life,lets say, romantic aspects. having said that, i have been in "unrequitted love" situation for a long time and all the time i just HOPED so bad that he would just TALK to me atleast AT work. never happened! so may be you could just talk yourself into believing that thats enough for you? atleast he's friendly to you

[nightstriker]

The reality of the situation is that he is dating someone new. I often struggle with the same type of unrequited love situation that you are in now. In fact just got over one. I think in some situations it is possible to reamin friends, but most times I find that if you had a dating or almost dating type relationship like you are describing it is almost impossible. What you may want to try and do is distance yourself from him as much as possible for a while. It sounds like that will difficult for you since you see him at work, but if you are texting or anything that you may want to try and cut that off. You really don't want to let your self-worth be dependent on one person. I've been there and if they ever finally say they can't be friends its is devastating. Also try your best to meet new people of either sex. And if you have any other friends try talking with them so more as well. Sometimes I get so focused on one person, I forget my other friends are there for me as well. Getting back in touch with them might help you.

I know this is tough. I really wish you the best and hope that you get through it.

[Sally met Harry]

Since he's moved on, seeing him and talking with him while still having romantic feelings toward him hurts, I know. I think you need distance from him--otherwise it's like a raw wound being reopened constantly. You might be hoping that he'll have a change of heart, so it's hard to make that distance. But (and I'm talking to myself, too, hoping that I'll listen to my own advice) you need to create space for your own sanity's sake. You might miss an opportunity to meet someone wonderful or overlook opportunities to have fun with friends who are invested in you because of your fixation on this guy. Try and focus on yourself for a while, though I know it's hard right now. Maybe make a list of five things you'd like to do for yourself and start checking them off. He doesn't seem to warrant all the attention you're giving him and it's not contributing to your health and happiness, so try to get re-centered. Talking with friends helps. I'm speaking from personal experience. : ) Take care of yourself . . .

Sally