[pirate1997]

Recently told my wife of twenty years of an affair I had just three weeks ago. Their was not sex involved but I did tell this other woman(a old friend I'd forgotten for twenty-five year's) that I wanted to hold her, kiss her and make love to her. We only text each other and haven't been in contact just a month.I've never cheated on my wife and thought I was happily married. My wife and I are 40 and in love. Where did these feelings come from? Why now? We can't go on without an explanation.

[shortandcute]

you must not be too much in love with yor wife......

[sesame]

I think it's partially just a desire to feel young again on your part. She reminds you of being younger (as it is an old friend you'd forgotten for 25 years). The idea of breaking the routine, etc. Being married for decades and being young and in love/lust are so different, and there is a certain newness and excitement that goes along with it.

I'm sure that you and your wife are very much in love, but I think you need to a. learn to communicate your desires with her and b. add excitement and spice back into your relationship. It's harder than it sounds, and it doesn't sound easy to begin with. Experience new things together, and experience new things on your own, so that you have stories to report back to each other. Take dancing classes, get a new hobby, go on an adventure!

What was it about this woman that led you to feel attracted to her? I believe that the qualities we desire or are attracted to in other people are also qualities that we would like to attain ourselves. Was it just the naughtiness of it all? Perhaps you and your wife could exchange dirty text messages, tease each other a bit throughout the day, maybe send a few naughty pictures! I'm sure she's not happy with you after receiving the information regarding the woman, but maybe once you're on better terms again, this is something you can work up to.

[Leed]

How about going into marriage counseling? I think your wife might feel comfortable doing that, and trying to find out why this happened. Having a professional guide you two into talking it out, and really getting some answers might make her feel alot better about this. The therapist knows how to guide the conversation, and how to draw out answers that we need to give. There may be other issues too that need to be covered that we don't even know are "issues."

So try marriage counseling. Perhaps there are some things in your marriage that are keeping you two from having the great marriage that you want. Those things can be brought out in counseling too. We may not even be aware of some things! I wish you the very best. I hope things work out. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Inedible]

That doesn't even sound like an affair to me.

Your poll doesn't make sense to me. If you'd slept with this other woman, then for me, I would tick 'leave'. But it sounds like you are flirting, not having an affair.

What do you want to do now? Why should it be your wife who makes all the decisions on leaving or staying? Are you willing to give up 20 years of marriage for a what could be a daydream? Do you really love your wife? Why did you start up something with an old friend? For me, those are more important questions to ask, rather than if your wife should stay or go.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Your poll doesn't make sense to me. If you'd slept with this other woman, then for me, I would tick 'leave'. But it sounds like you are flirting, not having an affair.

What do you want to do now? Why should it be your wife who makes all the decisions on leaving or staying? Are you willing to give up 20 years of marriage for a what could be a daydream? Do you really love your wife? Why did you start up something with an old friend? For me, those are more important questions to ask, rather than if your wife should stay or go.

I agree with riotgrrrl in the sense that I would not so quickly vote "leave". I would say it's a bit more than just playful flirting and borders on what could be considered an emotional affair if it carried on but the fact is it wasn't even text "sex" or cybering. I dont' mean to minimize or say that it isn't serious, I know you realize it is from your post.

You did come clean with your wife, and you did, I'm assuming, stop and hopefully cut off ties with this woman. yes you were tempted and you made a mistake but you've done the right thing. Unfortunately, IMO, if you do love your wife, questioning whether to leave or not kind of doesn't make sense on your part. Leaving after doing this is like quitting or giving in and that's the last thing you should do if you love your wife. The ball should really be in your wife's court as to whether she wants you to leave or not, but I hope she doesn't choose to do that.

You've got to put everything you've got into this marriage and like others have said, get into marriage counseling. There's something going on that isn't made apparent in your post about your marriage, because if you even considered having an affair, you're dissatisfied somehow with yourself or your marriage. Counseling will help to discover what it is that is missing and hopefully help you both to mend that, in addition to helping your wife and you to reconcile this.

Definitely do not leave.