[Emotionally Dead]

*POSSIBLE TRIGGERS?*

*As if my day couldn't get any worse... I had this all typed up on my iPad, and it was erased... Now I have to start all over... On my laptop this time...*

Over five years ago I fell in love with someone overseas, Online. I was at a critical age in my life. My home life was brutal. My Step Dad and my Mom had turned to Online Gaming as an escape from reality and their marriage that was falling apart. Soon, us kids began to do the same. We chose games as our escape from reality as well. Thus, I met the love of my life Online, from a whole different country. At first, it was amazing. She was my escape. She was my dream girl, and had everything I had ever wanted. However, she became the only thing I cared about. I still made good grades, but they began to slip. Instead of A's they were B's, I stopped caring about school. Well, not long later my Mom met a man online and walked out on us. I started living with my Grandparents. It was better, but it was a tough transition. I needed my Mom, but my love was what kept me going. Again, she continued to be my escape from everything.

Well, she had her own problems. Our collective baggage became too much. It finally killed us, and our relationship. For two years we had to know what it was like to be in love without being able to touch each other, see each other, or even be able to tell what our emotions were as our relationship was strictly based on text from a computer. That is the only world we had, and it took its toll on us. We were both too young to go see each other, and we didn't have the means necessary nor the cash to do it. So our relationship finally ended over two years later. I moved on after a while and began to date in the real world. She, apparently, continued to date people Online.

After a pregnancy scare with a girlfriend and her later cheating on me, I decided to find my old love once again, a year later. We picked up right where we left off. We were so happy and in love, so passionate. It was as if we had never separated, and now we had the means to meet each other. In December of last year I flew to her country. It was the most amazing time of my life. I was so happy. I got along with her family so well, better than mine, and everything was right with the world. We were so happy together and everyone could see it. We were inseparable. It was everything we had ever imagined... Until, nine days later, I had to leave. I didn't have a Visa yet, and I had to get back home to work and everything else. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. We both cried our eyes out, and she balled hysterically. I promised her I would come back. We both gave each other Christmas cards to read when we left and I left her with a lot of my stuff to remember me. Well, the distance again killed us.. When I got back, she sank back into a deep depression and I was okay at first. I knew we'd see each other again, I had faith in our love, but she didn't seem the same. She felt like she lost everything, from what she said. So in March of last year, that along with some unforeseeable events caused us to collapse again.

It was the worst eight months of my life, being without her. After eight long months, in which I never even considered being with anyone else, I found her again. The first day it was amazing. She said she had never stopped loving me and that she loved me and only me. That it was the hardest eight months of her life, etc etc... So we seemed inseparable again. It seemed like everything was right. We were still shaky, because our love was so strong and intense we were scared to lose it again. At least I was. The next day, she was depressed. She always had a hard time opening up, but I was patient this time. I knew I couldn't lose her again, so I stayed patient and just told her I was there if she needed me. Well, she began to talk and I was able to make her happy again like I had always been good at doing. By the end of the night her depression was gone. The third day, however, I was the one depressed. I was scared about how she was still addicted to online games and meeting guys all the time, and in a stupid instant without thinking I said "maybe we shouldn't do this". She was upset, she didn't understand. She asked why, and said that she thought me coming back into her life was because we were meant to be and that I had to realize we couldn't both just be happy right away, it'd take time. I felt bad, and knew I shouldn't have said it. So the next day I apologized, but now she was the one feeling unsure. She told me she needed to think about it. That scared me more than anything and caused me to become extremely suicidal. I felt like I couldn't live anymore, not without her, and I told her. But she never can open up under pressure and she couldn't explain to me why she had her doubts. So I gave up on her.

A few days later she messaged me. It was amazing, because she opened up in that email more than she ever had in the past. I wish I could show you guys, but obviously it's too personal, but it was a long block of text that shocked me. I never got that from her. She said how she loved me, she really really did. And how she didn't want to be without me, and the only future she saw was with me. But she said me leaving her when I had to go back home shattered her, and she wasn't ready to go through that again. She said she wanted to see me more than anything but that she had to wait until she was more stable with life and could handle me leaving and WE could handle the situation better. She wanted the next time for us to not have to be separated again. I completely understood, so I sent her my feelings back and thanking her so much for opening up. I then waited, I felt like she would come to me when she was ready.

Well, after a few days of waiting for her to reply she never did. So I went on a forums she visits, and I was shocked at what I found. She had started dating someone else online from the game she played. They had been sending each other stuff, like "you're cute, you're cuter" etc etc etc... I couldn't believe it. Why would she send me all that stuff about how much she loved me, only wanted a future with me, and all that, then two days later she is dating someone else? I was beside myself. I asked for answers, and her reply was that she didn't deserve me, and just wanted me to hate her. What??? How does that even make sense? I mean, is she a psychopath? Or am I...? Am I the crazy one? Why do I still love someone who clearly doesn't have any regard for my emotions? What is going on here? I let it go. I sent her one last message about how I'd never forget her and stuff, and felt like that was the closure I needed...

But yet I am still having nightmares about her, daily. I wake up feeling sick. I don't want to eat, and I haven't even eaten today after being up for over five hours. I'm supposed to eat with my medicine but I just can't. So I sent her a message. She hasn't replied yet. But I basically told her how much this is killing me and that whatever she's going through, I'll be waiting for her. Just in case she changes her mind I will be here, and if she doesn't then I will just be alone forever. This is the girl I gave up everything for. I don't want to be here, my life has been nothing but bad here. I wanted an escape, and what better way than a whole other country with someone I adore? I would be as far away from here as possible, not even in the same country. It would be a fresh start... Like I could start over again? I was going to marry her, have kids with her, spend my life with her. Now what? I am stuck here forever... I didn't finish college since my career isn't available over there, so I have wasted five years doing nothing to really better myself. Yeah, I've worked up in my own job but it isn't my career. I was saving up to get a visa, marry her, and have an amazing life... Now I am stuck with this. Stuck with memories. Why does anyone think memories are good? Why? I can't even think about them now because I know they are gone and I will never experience them again, so how are they a good thing? I can't hold on to something that was fake... Apparently she didn't even love me, right?

I don't know what I am doing posting this... I don't normally like to open up, I like to help others. But right now I am alone, afraid, scared, pathetic, and just beside myself.. I don't know what I need but I guess I am searching for answers... How could she do this to me? Is she at fault or am I? Is this all my fault? How can I put five years behind me and move on? Why is life worth it if I will always be alone, and if not, with someone I am settling for since that person wouldn't be her? All I ever wanted was to have a family, give them what I never had... But I was so ready to have a family with her that I can't even picture having one with anyone else. I've dated a bunch here but I never met anyone like her who had a strong connection like I did with her.. I'm just so scared of everything... I have to accept that she is gone, but how? Accepting she is gone is the hardest part... I don't want her to be gone... Why does she want to be gone? It's just so frustrating...

I guess I am just being a big baby and I am sorry... I'm just so confused with everything.. How could someone proclaim their love for you in such a way and then be in love with someone the next? They seem to be having problems now. It seems he can't get over an ex and it devastates her that he can't. She's devastated over him, not over me, for the first time... She told me when she told me that she wanted me to hate her, that he made her happy friend-wise but she didn't love him. That doesn't seem the case now... And now I am left with this... Shattered pieces of my heart to pick up... I guess I deserve all this... It's hard to put five years behind me, it's hard to put that connection we seemed to have in December behind me... But I guess that was all fake? I guess she never really loved me and it was all a lie? I don't know... I just feel so alone in all this, and am looking for answers that probably aren't there... I just don't know what to do anymore, or how I can move on like this... I'll never be the same, and happiness seems so far away...

[Perna]

I think you are putting too much of yourself in the online world. One's brain literally cannot tell the difference between whether you are actually experiencing or imagining thoughts and feelings. Neither you nor your girlfriend sound very rooted and self-mature; it's like you are playing a larger online game; "Second Life" or "The Sims" with your own rules.

Relationships have to be based in the "real" world, not online. Everything online has to be in your head because that's the only place the relationship exists. And in your head you can imagine/feel love, hate, all the emotions but they are not based on any actual real world actions.

You travelled to see her in person and met her family and did real things with her. If you want to be with her in fact, you have to get a Visa for that country and go there and try to be with her. However, it does not sound to me like that would work with her (or your) current level of maturity? As you say, how can she profess love for you one moment and be talking to some other person the next day; the only way that makes sense is there's no anchor in reality, it's all whatever she is thinking/feeling/making up in her head and the two of you can't calibrate with each other because you cannot ever get into each other's heads; you can't "do" anything permanent in Cyberspace.

Real relationships are actions; not words, thoughts, online games. I rub my husband's damaged foot every night because he's in pain and my massaging it is the only thing that makes the pain go away (micro nerves severed when he was 16 and stepped on a Coke bottle; he almost didn't walk again and now they fire randomly). I don't just know what my husband likes, I do something about it; I buy foods he likes and cook them for him for dinner, I pave the way for enjoyable vacations to destinations he's interested in (and he does the same for me). I share information about myself with him, confer with him in real time so what we do, we do "together".

You say you want to wait until she feels ready to "come to you" but then you choose to damage your own health and well-being by concentrating on her actions instead of working in your own life to eat well and become healthier in spirit, mind, and get your own life going the way you would like. You have to be together to have a relationship with a person and I do not see you planning or working to be together in fact but just talking about how "amazing" things on in the fantasy world of Cyberspace.

I am really sorry you are hurting. I would encourage you to speak with your T about all of this. If it is too difficult to talk about or too painful, please make a copy of your post and bring it to your T. It is soo incredibly important to focus on your health and well-being right now. I know it is really hard, but it is crucial for you to be surrounded by people IRL that you can rely on and are there for you. To regain your sense of trust in the world.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing.

Rose

[Ladyzero]

E.D. I have to send you a huge hug. That is a sad story, real hurtful for you now but I have to say, a lot of your relationship is cyber fantasy. It was 5 years, but how much ACTUAL time were you together in real life ?
You craved your new start and built up a fantasy scenario with basically a fantasy person. I'm sorry, it sounds hard and uncaring, it's the complete opposite, I feel sad for your pain right now.

She is addicted to online games, and the online world. That's not real, and you got caught up in it. I doubt she will remain with this new guy. She needs the online buzz and possibly will say anything to build an online relationship. That is not reality, but fantasy.
You met and felt this connection, again how much of that was real ? The whole situation is not healthy, it's cyber land.

I won't say to you that you'll one day move on, meet someone and be happy. That is very true, but right now I doubt that would help you. You have to see what happened as a fairytale, and we all know they are not real.

Maybe stay in contact and chat, email her , but only eventually when you can start to accept the relationship was built on cyber magic, and a lot of vivid wishful thinking.
Maybe stay online friends, if you feel you can or maybe cut all contact. I feel if you cut contact though, the wishful thoughts and regrets will be in your head for longer. Maybe in time, occasional emails to her, will show you how her online life is turning out, and you'll realise that it's not real, and sadly never was.

I am sorry you are hurting right now. Maybe I helped a bit, hopefully I did.

Please try to look after yourself, and remember you can still have dreams for the future, but they have to be based on real life, with real people.
Hugs x