[Goldenfishing94]

Okay, let me tell you something guys! I’m having this serious prob of imagination, I don’t know if it’s normal or the contrary, I mean abnormal. I have those kind of illusions that strike me suddenly in a way that I hardly can describe, well whenever I’m doing something like for example studying , I think about love positions with somebody that I call ‘ a close friend ‘ Let me tell you a bit about him first : -he’s a boy that tried slightly to express his feelings towards me, and he was kind of trying so bad to win my heart and all what I’ve told him was : << Mmm, I’m currently not attracted to you nor in love with you though I enjoy your company so much and I’d say, I’ll think about our situation but at the meantime we don’t have to ruin our friendship and why not, maybe with the time I can get used to the idea of having love growing in between of us, and fall for you one day..! >>. He was understanding, didn’t nag or complain, he accepted it with pleasure because he knew I gave him a chance, I could see the gleam of hope in his eyes when I told him so... – Anyway, it’s been a year since this fluent and straightforward conversation has taken place, the problem is that I can no longer regard him as a simple friend though I guarantee to you guys that I’m not in love with him because I’ve tasted love once and I know what it is like. Well, the thing is I see him much more as a beefcake, Yea Weird! But that’s the case with me, these pictures that I’m creating in my head are going further, and it even turns disgusting sometimes...
I didn’t give much attention about these illusions at first but now that I realized that they’re starting seriously to distract me from doing things like studying as I said, even when I wake up in the morning, believe it or not, I’d be laying for one or two more hours eyes wide open, thinking about me and him having a sexual intercourse… That’s why I thought about the possibility of having a psychiatric or a mental woe.
It’s bothering me guys, I’m no longer enjoying it, Am I horny much or anything? Because there’s one more thing I didn’t tell you: I come from a super conservative family so we’re like not allowed, as dictated by our religion, to have sex until we get married. But what bothers me the most is that I want to feel him as a human endowed with feeling and consciousness. It’s insane to marry somebody just for the sexual need and these animal instincts…
Marriage is so much bigger than just sharing the bed with someone else, I know right?
So I don’t want my private part place to control my mind that would be nuts+ super silly!
So here it is guys, I’ve served all of what I could talk out on a plate to you so please let me know about what you think!

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE

[Leed]

Well, I do think your emotional and sexual feelings are running rampant over your common sense. Since you did come from a conservative family who believed in sex AFTER marriage (I did too) your "dreams" don't fall into place. And as you also said, it sure wouldn't make sense to marry just for the sexual aspect. That would be disastrous.

Are you in therapy now? Forgive me for not remembering. If you are, please talk to your therapist about this. You can certainly talk to your therapist about ANYTHING -- he/she will understand. I'm sure you won't be the first to have these "dreams."

If you think there IS a chance of a relationship between the two of you, play it very very slow. Get to know each other better. You say he's a close friend, but perhaps you still need to get to know each other even more. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

i don't believe in God anymore because i am so stuck in this life. if he exists, great. if he doesn't, then i'm just not interested at all. i've been in this life for so long and nothing has changed. i regret the moment i became a christian. i don't like living this way. my birthday was forgotten. my friends forsook me. i hate them. i honestly do. i cannot forgive someone who's hurt me for so many years. i despise them all. i don't see myself holding grudges but still those feelings of hate are just still present.