[jdow123]

Hi
So I once again broke up with my girlfriend, don't know if this is the last time, will she ever get back to me on her own or will I beg her to come back without any self respect.

I met her after a 3 year depression phase (which, now looking back, I actually believe was a sort of "relationship addiction" withdrawal, since I had to go to the army and be away from my family for few months). It was really complicated with her but somehow we moved in together and all the extra baggage she carried with her was gone. It took about 2 years of the relationship with her for me not to feel miserable and depressed each time I'd go to work away from her for a few hours, or any time she'd decide she want to go out with her friends (eventually she agreed to give up on all her friends for me, and boy was I happy, but that only lasted a tiny bit of time, until the next thing would turn me angry about her).

If I look back at the 5 years we were together I was never happy or setisfied. I was bad to her, because I wanted her to leave (fantasized about breaking up with her) and at the same time the moment she was about to I would beg her to come back.
I hated myself for that, but I was willing to live with that because being with her was still filling me with life energy, was keeping me motivated in work and in life.

It was so bad that it took me 3 years of being together every single day was I able to accept a work trip that I was so fantasizing about during all the time we were together. On the one side I felt so choked with her (but she wans't choking me, I was choking myslef), I hated her for that and was mean to her, on the other hand I couldn't think for a moment that she would leave me.

The max we have been apart is 1 or 2 days at which point I would start expieriencing the horrors of the withdrawal phase and was willing to forget my soul, my self respect and beg her to return.

So now we broke up again, I really couldn't keep up with her anymore, I know she isn't a suitable person for me, she isn't bad or hasn't done anything to me, we just don't fit on many levels (personality, values, background, goals). We have different life goals, being with her has been slowing me down. Although I don't know where I would be know had I stayed depressed like before I met her (I guess I'd meet another girl and go through the entire play just with different actors).
She was/is probably co-dependant as well as she was willing to (like she always kept saying) to make me feel better and to heal me and keep up with all my ****.

Having said all of the above and reading on the web about co-dependency/relationship addiction I sure fit the profile.
I have also reflected back to my life (I'm only 25) and looking back I can clearly see I was co-dependent in my teen years as well to various "best friends" on mine (non-romantic) for sure. I even remember feeling the same "choked" feeling with them, feeing incompatiable with them and still staying in the relationship/friendship.

I am on my second day now of the so called separation, we had a nastly fight yestarday, I let all my frustration out on her and she went away. It was building up in me for a long time, I actually thought of al the "under the belt" stuff I was going to tell her in my head before she triggered it with something stupid and meaningless, I flipped out.

We live together so its going to take some time to completely saparate (unless we get back together again, and I will start feeling the same feeling over again in a week after the "high" settles down, back to the vicious cycle).

Judging from previous break ups, I was feeling miserable until the moment she got back and then everything went away as if I didn't suffer for the past 48 hours in agonizing mental pain. I feel like a junkie, clearly the way like a junkie feels like after getting his fix and feeling depressed the next day that yet another recovery attempt failed and settling down for the next few months until the water starts boiling again.

I am certain that if I get with anyone else besides her I will be in the same situation, this cycle has been going on since my teens. I really need help, I want to become self sufficient and not to rely on others to feel like a whole person, I don't want to feel lonely with myself and miserable.

I will certainly love to hear advice on books, or whatever that could help. I'm thinking of going to a codependants meeting as soon as possible to start my recovery. I want to be able to love a person wholly and not to depend on them for the good feelings.

Do you think a psychologist will help or do I need someone who specializes in RA?

Thanks for reading!

[Confusedinomicon]

I think it would be a good idea to go to a codependent meeting and start therapy. I would try a relationship therapist who has experience with codependency.

It is probably a good idea for you two to separate if you know this is unhealthy and neither of you guys are truly happy with one another.

[Leed]

Hi ~ If you two are living together, it would be a good idea if one or the other moved out. This is a toxic relationship, and you don't need to live in the same apartment/house. It's not even a good friendship, from what I can tell.

You would do well with a psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in co-dependency, plus meetings as well. But I do think therapy would be FIRST on my list. Therapy has always helped me immensely, and I've been in and out of it most of my adult life.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted on your progress, ok? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee