[JOANNE1313]

we are around 50 yrs old.
My close male friend/partner of last 9 yrs is obsessed with trying this yr to see if he can find someone ( else) to have a baby with . He loves me but has such pain re wanting a child of his own and re carrying on his family line. He has never been in a relationship besides me even though he is in his 50’s. He has asbergers ocd anxiety is pedantic and argumentative about many things. a relationship with me that we dont live together works ok . I feel the good far outweighs the bad. But he could never live with anyone peacefully due to his conditions.
I'm trying to have wisdom calm and not be reactive while he goes on his journey. He isn’t really thinking of whether his personality can cope with having a child and being in a live in relationship. He has ocd anxiety asberers is very pedantic and argumentative about many things. He is simply obsessed blindsided with the idea of having a child. He has met a younger woman and gone on an all day hike and now is going on an all day winery tour hoping to marry someone and have a baby.

He really cares about me and I really care about him. It's hard to be wise calm not reactive and know how to behave currently. Despite difficulties from his ocd anxiety asbergers pedanticness, I feel for myself that with him, in a non live in situation, his good outweighs his bad . We have so many good memories and can share so much good though his OCD anxiety Asbergers will always cause stresses.

I know that him trying to live with someone and have baby will cause involved alot of stress but she wouldn't realise it fast as he can present ok for a while and it takes time to see his ocd anxiety asberger argumentative stressful patterns . I knew he wouldn't date her fast and furiously as he has a lot of things he is doing currently, but she took the initiative and called him and organised a beautiful winery tour .

Its hard to know how to behave, if I should carry on a friendship as usual about other things still. I’m trying to be wise calm not reactive while he finds his way . Its not easy. I can't bear the thought of someone else with him, as he couldn't re me, but I also know he's sincerely not suited for the huge challenges of living with someone and a baby/child.

We have never committed to each other, him because he hoped to have a child, and me because it was hard getting used to him, although we mostly functioned like committed caring partners but without living together. We were free to date others though we each would have been tortured by the thought of the other with someone else, and we each were really quite focused on each other so any dating with anyone else was quite half hearted. DAting new people can be difficult time consuming and often not lead anywhere . WE really in practice were quite committed to each other.
It can be wise for me to do nothing just sit this out and carry on life and try to keep some friendship/communication between us like normal . We are being open and compassionate for the other. Its just all very difficult and I’m in shock also for the last 2 weeks since I found out, he told me he tries to be open with me, he loves me but is obsessed with wanting a child and to carry on his family line. although I understand but its so hard to navigate and know how to behave and stay calm compassionate wise.

[hamster-bamster]

With everything you have described, it seems to be wiser for him to rent a womb so to speak if you personally would be inclined to contribute to child rearing. Or is he incapable of taking full responsibility for a child? Or is a womb for rent out of his financial reach?

[JOANNE1313]

i see where you are coming from interesting. that does solve some things thank you.

But i guess there are a couple of issues with that.

That i dont really want to raise a child . we are both around 50 and i've raised a bunch of kids and have waited decades to finally have the last one almost out of school. I dont want the demands chatter in and out of car seats readers etc etc of having a child.

I have grandchildren. He would enjoy a life with my children and grandchildren. the last years were busy but if we end up together thats what would happen. At the moment he is rushing into this.

raising a child you need to live with the other parent. He is not capable of doing that. He has more good than bad if not living together but living together with me or anyone would be a war zone with him and with a child touching his things and making mess noise stress demands and his ocd anxiety asbergers it would be a disaster

I so dont want to lose him, so in that way your suggestion is a good one.

But i dont want to raise another child all over again for decades and with him, it would be full of stress.

if we dont live together and we enjoy my kids and grandkids that pace would suit him and me alot more as both him and me like time to ourselves, quiet, time for interests. He is in an obsessed fantasy world thinking he can cope with living with someone and having and raising a child. but theres nothing i can do but either wait or go out with other people . for the moment i'm in shock and trying to read things about getting through a life crisis staying calm coping with such shock. I really dont want to lose him but i couldnt cope with raising a child all over either, its really not what i want but i'm forced to think about it because i dont want to lose him but really it dont want to raise a child i need quiet i've done more than my share of child raisng.

[hamster-bamster]

No, if you have done your fair share of child rearing, you should not do any more of it. It was just an idea. Let us hope he will not find anyone. I definitely would not want to have a child or even shaare living quarters for a day with him. Let us hope that other women are. Like me. In the meantime, if you can, try to go out with some other men. Maybe it would soothe and distract you, at least for awhile.

[JOANNE1313]

yes what you say is true
today he went on an all day outing and i was so devastated all day though trying to be calm. I was reading how people felt similarly devastated if their husband cheated, though he is not cheating he is open and he adores me but the issue is he also has pain about wanting a child

I think about having one, but no i'm done long ago. i love quiet. i know what it entails and never want to do it again. I've got grandkids who need attention. Also i never would want to do it with him much as i dont want to lose him and i want him to be happy because seriously he gets very crazy difficult it just couldnt happen peacefully with anyone.

I am very happy now as i spent the last few hours with him and that relaxed both of us. but he is totally fixated currently on hoping it works with this girl to have a child and by the sounds it going ok but they havent kissed or had sex. He is very open with me. Its a strange situation that we love each other but he wants a child so we are open and i try not to make it hard for him as he doesnt want to hurt me but he is in pain.

I do hope it doesnt work out with someone else but i'd have to cross that bridge if i came to it. It would be very hard for me to move onto someone else after 9 yaers and i dont trust people easily, i'm not naive, and i dont trust people around my gorgious daughters and granddaughters.

You are right in saying that although i want him for the moment, that for comfort when i'm devastated like on days that they actually date, that i should go out with other guys. Its tough though as i cant hide the fact that i like him so guys always feel like he is in the room. But i do need an arm around me or some soothing company when i'm so distraught like today and like last date day also there have been 2 full day dates so far. Its incredibly devastating for me like i cant describe.

[JOANNE1313]

he stayed my friend when i went out with others and nothing came of dates with others especially taht i was half hearted. so i want to stay his friend in whatever capacity and see how things work out over the next months.

he can present calmly especially at present he might be more relaxed as he isnt working so it can take time for her to find out what he is really like

i happen to love with even though i know how difficult he is as i know his strengths and because i'm not planning on making unbearable fights by trying to live with him and having a baby with him when i know that would not work with him

[hamster-bamster]

I understand that he can present well when he goes on a winery tour. But eventually he woould need to invite his date home and she will then see that he is pedantic by viewing the interior of his house.