[MissLilly]

I am 18 years old, been out of high school for two years (early graduate) and I am in quite the precarious situation.
I have been with my boyfriend sense I was 16, my mother introduced us and things were going amazing, until recently. I had started staying with my boyfriend my first year of college (he lives closer to campus) but I left most of my things at my mother's home. She was fine with the arrangement (and actually suggested it in the first place) until this year. Less than a month after I turned eighteen, she asked me to babysit, my siblings are 12 and 9, and I was a bit peeved to have to babysit on a night where I had so much homework. I relented, and I was texting my boyfriend lamenting my pile of homework and talking about how it would be hours before I made it to bed. He asked me "isn't your sister old enough to babysit?" and I agreed, still grumpy about all I had ahead. When it became evident that she would not be back for a LONG time he came to bring me my coursework so I could at least start. Well he and I fell asleep on the living room floor, my mom got home around 1 AM, apparently I had left my phone in the kitchen and she read through my text messages and decided his comment about my sister being old enough to babysit was disrespectful. We got up to leave and at this point my boyfriend and I were both grumpy. He had work the next day at 7, and I had class. He sleepily shuffles out to his truck and I go to say goodbye to my mom and she says "don't even touch me, just go" so I grab my phone and leave. Fast forward to morning. She calls me SCREAMING about what a disrespectful ungrateful little ***** I am and I'd better drive back home so she can beat my ***. I politely tell her No, I will not be treated like this and hang up the phone. After a day of this, she sends her best friend to "come find me" because I'm "missing". He knew where I was and when he showed up to my boyfriends house I could not stop the tears. I told him how I felt neither my boyfriend or myself did anything wrong and how I felt I could never live up to her expectations etc. He agreed with me my mother was being highly irrational and left to tell her I was not "missing". I finally went back to her house a day later and she pretended everything was fine.

Now I find out we have lost our house, and seeing how she's a single mother of three, I can see how that is stressful. So my boyfriend (in an act of kindness) helped me get a vehicle so we no longer had to share. My mother is incredibly upset about this, even though she refused to help me get a vehicle, and is demanding it is put in her name and on her insurance, neither he nor I think this is a good idea. Within the last week she has accused me of having been "brainwashed" by him and saying "he's just trying to put a wedge between us" she is convinced my boyfriend is physically abusive to me behind closed doors, which is absolutely absurd. He rarely raises his voice more less gets angry. She is also convinced he has an alcohol problem, which I cannot see considering he only drinks on weekends and it's nothing stronger than beer (he's 21 and legally able to drink might I add) and I have NEVER seen him have more than two. She believes he will cheat on me if we ever get married. Lately she has also accused me of using cocaine (which shocked me because I have never ever been the drug type of person)

Personally, I believe she is trying to project the problems that her relationship with my father had on my current relationship. My father was abusive, drank, used hard drugs, and cheated on her with multiple women. I have tried to talk to her about things but she cuts me off and continually talks down to me. I am not aloud to talk about my boyfriend, he can't drop things off to me at home, and I'm not aloud at his house.I asked her if she wanted me to break up with him and she said "no because then you'll hate me and I'll lose my little girl, From what I see I've lost you already" I'm ready to take what things I have, pack them in my vehicle and move in with my boyfriend. I am so exasperated. I would appreciate any opinions on how I can make things work. I have been walking on eggshells these last few days and I cannot take it anymore.

[Travelinglady]

Since you are 18, you are legally able to work, live where you'd like, etc. It sounds like your mother is falling apart due to her challenges and wants to hold on to you. I am sad you are having to deal with her under these circumstances. She definitely need some help.

If you can pull some money together, then I suggest you visit a
family counselor and hear what he/she says.

[Rose76]

It sounds like your boyfriend and you are the adults in this situation. Your mother is clinging to you, and I think she is deeply envious of you. It looks like you are on your way to having all that she has not managed to have. She's kind of pitiable, but you have to be careful not to wind up revolving your life around "managing" your mother. She is more than a little disturbed and probably should be seeing a psychiatrist.

When I was 12, "I was babysitting" 3 younger siblings when my parents went out for a bit of socializing. Do not put that vehicle in your mother's name. She didn't buy it and has no claim on it. Your relationship with your boyfriend is kind of a wedge between your mother and you, and I would say it is the best kind of a wedge - like a protective buffer. You're lucky to have this guy.

Since you seem mature, you may find yourself in the position of feeling concern about your 12 and 9 year old sibs, especially the 9 year old. It sounds like they are in the custody of a "child-woman." Losing that home is terrible for your mother, I'm sure. But, if she can't afford to keep it, then that's the reality she has to adjust to.

It may be pre-mature for you to move out bag and baggage from your mom's place. I would advise you to have an engagement ring on your finger before you do that - or - have the means to totally support yourself. At the same time, you can set some reasonable limits on how much your mom can dictate. (You have to take into consideration the extent to which you are financially dependent on her.) You've only been with your guy a couple of years, and you're real young. Maybe he is the one, but it would be good for you to finish school before making that decision.

Legally, no cop is going to come and fetch you back to your mother's house when you are "missing." The cops wouldn't even do that if you were 16 years old.

Having lost your father as a partner, your mom is clinging to you as the one competent person she thinks she can lean on. She's a sad figure and this may be just the start of many years of worry you will have over her. Do the best you can, and maybe plan to spend some quality time with those sibs, as they are in danger of coming out of this damaged and causing you, perhaps, years of worry, as they develop problems. Good luck. Your thinking seems pretty straight to me.

[adam_k]

I fully agree with Rose. I just want to add that you are an adult now, and your mom is going to have to come to terms with that. Soon you will finish college, get married and have children of your own. Your mom needs to learn how to let go and let you be your own person. I think moving in with him, may be premature unless you have a plan if things don't work out. If you have a job and can afford your own place then it is less of a risk. If you get in a big fight with your mom, move out and stay with him without any means of your own, then you may be trapped. My wife did this when she was around 18 and she ended up with an abusive asshole and didn't have anywhere else to go. I'm not saying your bf is like that, but I wouldn't burn bridges with your mom if you don't have to. I would try to talk to her. It sounds like she is pretty irrational but maybe with enough talking it will sink in that this guy isn't like her ex, you care about him and he treats you well. I hope things work out for you.

[hamster-bamster]

So she read your texts without having a right to do so and admitted that to you without feeling ashamed?