[High Treason]

Someone I cared about very much in high school is dead. She died four years ago, but I never knew. I haven't seen or spoken to her in 17 years... but I just got a wild urge to start looking up people I used to know on the Internet and found her obituary. I guess it's stupid to be this broken about about someone who hasn't been in my life for such a long time. I don't understand why she died and I'm still alive. She was such a better person than me. I just can't stop looking at her picture in the obituary and crying.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hugs! I still think of old classmates the way I used to know them years ago. I think some people just stay in your heart. I hope the pain passes soon.

[High Treason]

One of the best days of my life (a true story):

Strolling casually, completely nude, down the streets of Old Colorado City on a sunny Saturday afternoon. That was the plan. My high school friends and I had planned it for weeks. A group of two guys and two girls just walking along, smiling at passersby, then jumping in a van and speeding off. It was to happen in front of the head shop there we often frequented. We had it all worked out. But there was a hitch.

When the big day finally came, I found myself grounded all day. I don't remember what for, but I probably deserved it. Thankfully, my parents had plans and left shortly after grounding me, so of course I waited until they were gone, jumped in my rusty 1965 Chevy van with a big peace sign made of flowers hand-painted on the side, and took off.

I parked the ridiculously recognizable van around the back of some business and walked to a pay phone to call the others. No one answered. On a whim, I decided to call this girl I really really liked. I asked her if she wanted to come along and witness this monumental event. Somewhat to my surprise, she did. My poor old van made its way up the winding dirt roads to her house in the mountains, and I picked her up. Then we headed down the pass to make a scene.

We pulled into the parking lot of the head shop and no one else was there. Right behind our parking space we found an ornate wooden pipe (the kind for smoking weed). Luckily, I had some weed, so we sat in the back of the van smoking a bowl while we waited for the others to arrive. No one came.

There was no way I could just go back home at this point, so we just parked downtown and wondered around the shops there. In one small shop, she saw some small little decorative thing that she really liked. We didn't have money, so I swiped it for her.

As it was getting toward evening, she said she knew of a party going on. Once we arrived, we sat around at the party feeling out of place for a while, and then nabbed a bottle of Jagermeister and reconvened in my van to drink it together. We drove back downtown while polishing off the whole bottle together. Then we just sat in the doorway of a closed store and talked.

Finally, it was time to go home and for me to face the music. As we climbed back up the hill in my sorry old vehicle, I turned to her and smiled.

"When I get a girlfriend, I hope she's like you," I said.
She got a quizzical look on her face. "Like me how?"
"Just pretty much exactly like you."

--------------------------------

The summer after my freshman year in college, she had just graduated high school. We went hiking in Pike National Forest and had a great time. I resolved that day to always keep in contact with her. I never talked to her again.

[NoCake]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sometimes you just get a strong connection with someone even though you didn't know them for a very long time. It's not a stupid thing at all.

What helps me to feel better is to remember that although we may not meet again, they will always be in my heart. I know it's really hard but one day your thoughts of her may soon become happy ones and you'll be able to smile when you think of her.

It takes time but it does get easier.

It's not stupid...I am imagining myself in your shoes and how I would feel...it's the shock and loss and confusion, too...I would feel like, but how could I not know she was gone? And you don't elaborate, but the circumstances could have you completely torn up as well. So very sorry for your loss and grieve as you need to.
And stop thinking she was a better person than you, which I don't believe can be determined, based on what? There are no tradeoffs here, and it's not like even if you had the chance, you COULD you have given your life for hers...it's sad, but it's true. Please be kind to yourself and take the time to remember the good times with her and the good things about her, and also your loss.

There is no time frame for grief. You'll got through this at your own speed - regardless of how long ago she passed, the grief is new to you.